bedlamsbard: star wars rebels: hera peering around a corner (Default)
[personal profile] bedlamsbard
1. I went to Star Wars Celebration Orlando last week, which was -- pretty much a wash in some ways; it wasn't as transcendent an experience as SWCE was last year, mostly because of the feeling of CONSTANT VIGILANCE I couldn't shake due to my extreme fear of running into my ex. Which sort of overrode every other feeling I had about the experience, except annoyance since SWCO also wasn't as organized as SWCE and I kept missing things. Florida Man Organizes Star Wars Convention.

I think it ended up somewhere between 60/40 and 50/50 great/awful; I'm not sure if I'd go as high as 70/30, which makes me feel even worse because most other people I know seem to have had a much better time. I'm sort of -- this is one of the times where I end up feeling like I don't love Star Wars enough, or in the right ways; that I didn't network enough in fandom; that going at all was a mistake because I spent a lot of the weekend feeling like a nervous wreck for various reasons. One of the things I've been circling around ever since I got into fandom fifteen years ago is my terror of doing fandom wrong, which on one level seems ridiculous because you can't do fandom wrong, can you? But because SW is so big and so much and so...everything, coming in from the fanfic side of it makes me feel spectacularly useless, especially at a big single fandom con like Celebration where it sometimes feel like every aspect of fandom is represented except fic. Which is the only thing I'm good at and the only thing I'm known for.

I don't know. This was a bad year for me; I think SWCE was better, but my memory of SWCE is tainted by everything that happened in the next few days. And SWCO -- there was a lot that was great about it (I got to meet my favorite Star Wars author!), but I spent a lot of it afraid, I spent a lot of it stressed, I'm not positive that I was actually really excited about anything (Rebels ending has actually thrown me into an identity crisis, so thanks for that, brain), I had to avoid people cosplaying one of my favorite characters because my ex was also cosplaying her and I wasn't positive I'd be able to recognize her in face paint and lekku (I could, btw, which I found out the first time I spotted her across a crowded room), and I didn't get most of the things that I wanted to buy or do a lot of things I wanted to do. And I had a sobbing breakdown the week before because something I wanted to do for the con didn't work out. And I have the sneaking feeling that my ex might have talked about me to a mutual friend of ours.

Perhaps the real lesson from this con is "if you think there's a pretty good chance you're going to have a panic attack on the con floor, have at least one person there who knows why you're upset and afraid." Which I didn't this time; the person I was rooming with knew X and I weren't on speaking terms anymore, but not why.

2. Anyway here is my mostly positive summary of my SWCO experience, with pictures. I did enjoy myself; it's just that any time I look back at something I tend to be in "everything is a disaster" mode for weeks afterwards.

2a. Which also makes me feel like I shouldn't talk about my feelings, since my ex told me last year that then I ruin everyone else's experiences too.

3. This was my first time in Florida, and man, is it like Louisiana in climate -- I have really, really missed humidity, because the dryness in Washington is bad for my skin and it's a lot easier to deal with my hair in humidity. I have also missed being warm. I'm back in Washington now and back in a wool sweater, and I really feel like I did not properly appreciate tank top weather while I was in Florida, due to the fact I was only there for the four days of Celebration, and not for an extra day or so on either side to do actual tourist stuff.

4. Hopefully tourist stuff next year, as I am trying to organize a girls' weekend with my college friends next year at Disney World.

4a. Apparently my college friends were having a girls' weekend that same weekend I was at SWCO, and while I wouldn't have been able to go, I'm fucked up over it because I had no idea and wasn't invited. So that didn't help my headspace over SWCO weekend.

5. I'm definitely in an "maybe I'm just completely broken and ruin everything" headspace right now.
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bedlamsbard: star wars rebels: hera peering around a corner (Default)
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