bedlamsbard: animals: a cougar standing on a tall rock (girlyb_icons) (a high place (girlyb_icons))
Every time I look at anything related to U.S. politics right now -- so basically every time I check Twitter, which I'm doing less often atm for Reasons -- I can't shake the feeling I'm living in a Tom Clancy novel, except that would actually be preferable since then there's a guarantee that the good guys come out on top. Also, as I think it was actually Clancy who said, fiction has to make sense.

I used to read a lot of Tom Clancy -- I've read all the Jack Ryan novels -- but I can't remember when this was. Probably early/mid '00s, if I had to guess. I can't remember if this was prior to or during the same period of time when I was really into U.S. military special operations and U.S. military history. Uh -- you know how a lot of kids had something they were really, really super into? Well, when I was tiny it was dogs, and when I was a teenager it was military special operations units. (Yes, I saw The Unit -- I know I was on LJ then, so if anyone is still around from those days they may remember that -- but this actually predated that.) Given the genres I write this is actually pretty helpful, but it's a weird thing to admit to, especially in some of my online social circles.

(I came really close to joining the military/ROTC, but I actually got medically disqualified for an incredibly stupid reason and didn't want to go to the hassle of fighting it. But if not for Hurricane Gustav back in 2008, there's a really good chance that I would have done so and I'd be in the USAF right now instead of applying to graduate school.)
bedlamsbard: animals: a cougar standing on a tall rock (girlyb_icons) (a high place (girlyb_icons))
I've spent all day feeling like I'm on the edge of having a screaming breakdown, for various reasons: the thing I'm only talking about under lock, my grad school applications, my fic, the weather, 8tracks' new listening limit, POLITICS, things I want to buy but am hesitating on, the season, and finally, the fact that Tumblr somehow did a thing which makes it nigh-on unusable, which is the thing that feels as though it's finally sent me over the edge.

I am...basically incapable of dealing whenever something goes slightly wrong -- I mean, I can, obviously, I have not reached the ripe old age of 27-in-exactly-a-month by not being able to deal with things that are moderately off-center, but they'll throw me really, really badly, to the extent that it consumes every thought I have and makes it incredibly difficult to do anything else, even if it's completely unrelated. I feel like I've spent the past six months in emotional freefall. July, August, and September were really, really bad, October got a little better, and then November happened (Election Day happened) and everything since then, no matter how big or how small, has felt like complete and utter unmitigated disaster. I'm basically out of cope, so every little thing sends me over the edge. And there are a lot of little things.

I don't know how my life can feel like it's spiraling so totally out of control when I barely leave the house. I have control issues at the best of times, and this is...definitely not the best of times.
bedlamsbard: miscellaneous: cup of tea and an open book (perfect (pretty_pixels))
1. I very seldom go to the movies, because it's a bit of a hassle and it's expensive and I don't really have the patience for movies, so I prefer to watch them on my computer where I can pause them and walk away if need be, but I went to see Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them weekend before last and Moana last weekend, and both movies were absolutely delightful.

1a. I wanted to see Fantastic Beasts while it was still in theatres because I knew that if I didn't, there was a pretty good chance I wouldn't see it for literally years (I still haven't seen any of the Marvel movies since Winter Soldier came out), especially since there was a lot of criticism of it on Tumblr well before it came out and I tend to be pretty susceptible to other people's opinions -- this is the reason I've stopped reading reviews and reactions and am wary of discussing things I enjoy with other people. Especially in this current age of "if you liked THING you are an IRREDEEMABLE MONSTER" and I have enough problems with that already, thank you.

2. On a related note, there's a particular strand of criticism that sometimes gets leveled at JKR that makes me really uncomfortable -- not the diversity or the representation or any of that, but the "she's beaten the HP world to death," "why doesn't she fulfill her duty as an author and write a new fantasy epic not set in the HP 'verse," "she's a failure," etc., which quite frankly baffles me, especially the second one. (Which I have actually seen, though I don't remember where. Tumblr, obviously.) I don't know what I'm getting at with this, but while there are certainly legitimate criticisms to be leveled, some of the entitlement (which is a rough word to sling around) there is really uncomfortable and upsetting to me.

3. Today was the first snow of the season here, and I am not in favor of it at ALL, though obvs it is good for various reasons including decreasing the chance of a drought (which means bad harvests and increased wildfires) next year. I just don't like being cold and I don't like snow: these are the reasons I moved to Louisiana in the first place.

4. Multi-day cooking or baking projects are not good for me: I don't have the attention span to do things two days in a row, especially if day two is a day when my mother is home, because I don't like doing things where other people can see me.

4a. I've had cookie dough languishing in the fridge since Thursday. Hopefully it's still all right to bake off if I do so tomorrow; I bought decorating tools and everything.

5. I've got applications due next week, so I am trying to buckle down and actually get them done, which means I am back in statement of purpose hell. I'm a good writer, but this is the kind of writing I'm the absolute worst at, and I wish I had someone to show them to. (Like, there are people I'd be okay showing them to, but I feel awkward asking.) I'm just really anxious about this because I don't know what I'll do if I don't get into graduate school, and also -- applying costs a lot of money. Between GRE scores and application fees, it's about a hundred bucks per school. I've got the money from my grandmother, but I hate paying that much for something that's not guaranteed, and I just...I don't know what I'll do otherwise. This is literally the only thing I'm good at or trained to do.

5a. Except write, and I've got deadlines for a handful of different sci-fi/fantasy short story submissions set aside and marked on my calendar. The only problem is that I very seldom write original fiction and I very seldom write short stories and I very seldom write anything to a prompt. I'd like to submit at least one thing, but I'd also have to write it, which means that I need to turn from fic to original, and at the moment I've been bashing my head against the same three chapters since May, so on the other hand I'd rather get those sorted so at least they're out of the damn way.

5b. I really miss being a student; I broke down at my mom the other day and sobbed "I just really miss writing research papers!" Which I do; I'll complain about it the entire time I'm doing so but I really do enjoy it.
bedlamsbard: star wars rebels: hera peering around a corner (Default)
Wow, I've never been so angry I'm literally dizzy before.

Someday someone is going to ask me how anyone could possibly relate to the Old Republic Jedi, and I'm going to be forced to answer "because I spend so much of my life training myself not to actively react emotionally to things that now I don't know how to do so in a healthy way."

I have a lot of emotional reactions to things, and for various reasons I don't trust my emotions. This is fine, sort of (not really, since this has obviously fucked me up in some spectacular ways), if I'm just dealing with me, if I'm dealing with other people...not so much. Apparently "I don't know how to react to this" is not an appropriate response, even if it is a true one.
bedlamsbard: miscellaneous: cup of tea on a laptop (girlyb_icons) (tea and laptop (girlyb_icons))
1. I've been watching a lot of River Monsters lately because it's very soothing, and it always delights me how much the host loves fish. HE JUST LOVES FISH SO MUCH, GUYS! EVEN THE VICIOUS MAN-EATING ONES!

2. Last night's Dancing with the Stars was really good, and I've been watching James, Sharna, and Jenna's trio jive and Laurie, Val, and Maks' trio samba over and over again all day.

3. I got a tiny Black Series Inquisitor's TIE to go with my Ghost, B-wing, and Poe's X-wing, and I am delighted by the fact that the wings fold down and the hatch pops up. (I do wish the tee-tiny Black Series figures were proportionate to each other, since they're all about the same size.)

4. Some recipes I've made recently that I really like: the Holy $#!% Pulled Pork and Pork Enchiladas with Shredded Pork Sauce from Freddie Prinze Jr.'s Back to the Kitchen, this Slow Cooker Pulled Pork from Shutterbean, this Baked Nashville Hot Chicken from A Cozy Kitchen, and this Slow Cooker Jambalaya from Budget Bytes. (I'm not in love with the jambalaya, because it tastes like something's missing, but it's really good. And that might just be me going "this doesn't taste exactly like the Cafe Maspero's!")

5. One of my best friends is getting married, and she sent me a picture of her wedding dress and it is SO PRETTY and I'm so happy for her.
bedlamsbard: animals: a cougar standing on a tall rock (girlyb_icons) (a high place (girlyb_icons))
1. My mother got back from Japan today, so now I'm no longer alone in the house and just taking care of myself. And now things have to be back on a certain kind of schedule again, instead of just whenever I feel.

2. I've been working on our semi-feral barn cats (Convor, Fyrnock, Tibidee, Dokma, and Romulus Augustulus -- he's the only male), and after months Fyrnock, the bravest of them, finally let me pet her. She's still pretty unsure about it, but she hasn't tried to scratch me or anything, and every time I go out to feed the cats she winds around my feet and rubs against me. The others are still keeping their distance -- Dokma's never come out from behind the spray rig -- but at least Fyrnock!

2a. Yes, I named my cats after critters from Star Wars Rebels. Except for Romulus Augustulus, obviously.

3. I'm dissociating a little, or maybe a lot, from the whole...politics thing. (You know the thing, everyone knows the thing.) If I think about it I freak out; if I don't, I'm also thinking about how I'm not thinking about it and then I feel guilty/bad/terrible about that. It's...a lot.

more on this )

4. I've been scratching open my ear again, so that' It's a stress thing, I suspect.

5. tbh at this point my entire attitude is "dear god we're all going to die, what is the point of anything."
bedlamsbard: miscellaneous: woman pulling her pink corset tight (a woman's armor (ravenclawbest))
I want to say one more thing, I think. Moving onto anger from sadness, hey, a different step in the grieving process!

I’m not ashamed of being an American. I love this country, warts and all. Has America done some shitty, shitty things in its time? Hell yeah. One happened yesterday. Were some of the people involved in the founding of America terrible human beings? Yeah. Is America doing terrible, awful things right now? Yes.

But I love this country, and the dream it represents – the dream it represented in 1776, and 1789, and 1865, and 1920, and 1964 and every other year, even those years when awful, terrible things were happening. Even though awful, terrible things were happening in those years, even though compromises were made and things were still awful and people were suffering, but my gods, things happened, things that mattered and continue to matter. In a lot of ways, especially for immigrants and the children of immigrants, this country is as much dream as reality, and you know what? The dream matters.

I’m half-Japanese. My mother is a Japanese citizen, and for a long time, she told me that I couldn’t call myself Japanese-American – because I was and am an American, because I was born here, I grew up here, I live here, this is my country.

I have dual citizenship. If I wanted to stop being an American, I could. But this is my country and I love it and gods damn it, no one can take that from me, because until 1920 women couldn’t vote in this country, and in 1942 the U.S. government took Japanese-Americans from their homes and put them in camps, and until 1952 my Japanese-born American-raised cousins couldn’t become citizens, and this is my home, my country.

I voted. I fought with my vote and my voice and my very presence as a human being who lives in this country. I live here, I’m a citizen, and I am proud to be an American even if I’m pretty pissed off at other Americans right now. That’s pretty much the guiding principle of the American people, after all.
bedlamsbard: miscellaneous: woman pulling her pink corset tight (a woman's armor (ravenclawbest))
That's what I've been repeating to myself all day. I don't know what book I got it from anymore -- I know I got it from a book -- but it's what I always come back to when I'm reacting to something. Do the next thing.

I've been crying on and off all day -- I was mostly numb last night. I live on the West Coast, so I was doing the time zone conversions in my head, reminding myself that the West Coast (the Left Coast, as my Republican father likes to call it) always goes blue. Watching. Waiting. Food Network on the TV, Twitter on my computer. No news channels. I went to the store yesterday to buy booze, figuring one way or another I'd be crying into it. (Bad idea. I don't like alcohol and I don't react well to it, so, well, now I have this bottle of rum I need to do something with.) We canceled our newspaper subscription recently, and I was making plans to go to the store this morning so I could get a copy of the paper with the first woman president on the cover.


I think -- probably like a lot of people -- I've spent a lot of time going back through everything I could have and didn't do, because that's the way my brain works. I didn't canvas, I didn't phone bank -- but I live in a very blue state and a very red county. Washington went blue. (Kittitas County went red.) I can barely keep my own life together, and for me, that wasn't really an option. When my dad was here, I didn't even want to go over to the Democrat stand at the farmer's market, because I didn't want to touch off an argument about politics. But I voted.

And the thing is -- that's actually not something I've done the past few years. I voted in 2008, but I didn't vote in 2012 (I was abroad, not that that's an excuse), and I haven't voted in state and local elections for a few years. I stopped getting ballots in the mail. But this year I got up and I checked my registration status (I forget the technical term, but while I was still registered I hadn't voted in so long the state was basically like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and stopped sending me ballots; for WA that was an easy fix) and filed for an absentee ballot for the primary. I was still in Louisiana then, and while I was sitting there at my computer googling every name and measure downticket, I kept thinking "I don't know anything about what's going on in Washington, I know a lot more about Louisiana politics." (Still true, by the way.) But I'm registered to vote in Washington, not Louisiana, and I looked them all up and voted downticket in the primary. Because I wanted to do something, and sometimes -- all you can do is vote. Show up and speak out. And -- I wanted to vote for a woman. I wanted to vote for Hillary Clinton, something I had never done before. (In 2008 I was a Republican, so, like, things change. People change!)

My county is mail-only and has been for as long as I've been voting and as long as I can remember. I've never seen an actual polling station. I got my ballot in the mail two weeks ago and I looked up all the state and local names and everything up for a vote, and I filled in the little box next to Hillary Clinton's name. I got to vote for a woman for president of the United States.

And that's huge. That's so, so huge.

(And I don't know if I ever will again now. I hope so. But I don't know.)

And I keep thinking -- is there anything else I could have done? Yeah, maybe. Maybe not. But Washington went blue. There's nothing I could have done to change the outcome in my state, because my state already voted the way I voted. (By a LOT.) But I voted, and because for whatever reason (laziness, mostly) I didn't do so in the past few elections, that's huge for me on a personal level. And I keep reminding myself of that.

I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm scared.

I'm glad both my parents are out of the country, because I wouldn't have been able to deal with my father right now and I'm pretty sure my mother wouldn't understand why I'm so upset.

I'm tired.

I'm glad that the U.S. government was basically organized around the principle "we don't trust anyone else in the government."

I'm proud of the people and measures that I got to help vote in. I'm proud of Washington State. I'm proud that I remembered to fix my registration and send in my ballot.

I'm grateful that I got to vote for a woman to be president of the United States, and I'm proud of her.

But gods, I'm tired. And sad. And I wish she had won.

So many of the reactions I've seen have been "get up and fight," and I'll get there. Somehow, some way, even if it's just by voting. But right now I'm tired. And the meaning of life is: do the next thing.
bedlamsbard: star wars rebels: hera peering around a corner (Default)
1. I literally had an election-related stress dream last night -- I was trying to vote, but there was a test I had to take that I hadn't known about before, and I was driving around town trying to figure out where this test was being held so that I could vote, and if I couldn't vote then I alone would be solely responsible for the, you know, oncoming apocalypse and the fall of American democracy etc. and I was just going, "But I didn't know there was a test!" Ironically my county doesn't even have polls because it's mail-in only and I already have my ballot, I just haven't filled it out and sent it in yet.

Gods, I'm so ready for this election cycle to be over.

2. I've been having jaw pain recently, which I've had before on and off, so that adds to my level of stress. It's probably stress-induced, though other possible reasons include: the weather, the fact that I've been spending mornings lying in bed with my jaw pressed against my pillow at a weird angle (but about at the point where the pain is coming from), an actual medical problem, or aliens. Probably stress, though.

3. I need to actually start working on my personal statements (statements of purpose, whatever they end up being called) for my grad school apps, but I haven't done so yet.

4. Sometimes fandom really tires me. I love fandom, it's shaped my life, but sometimes...sometimes it really tires me. I feel like I've been censoring myself a lot more in the past year than I did at any point in the fourteen years previous -- I think partially because unlike LJ/DW fandom, stuff can get reblogged around without context, whereas at least with journal fandom people have to come to your actual journal to read something. And the other factor is that Star Wars Rebels fandom skews both young and new(ish) to fandom in general -- it's not really a fandom that attracts a lot of fandom ~oldtimers, so there are both real and fannish generation gaps that are on occasion really evident. (I'm honestly still not over the time someone called me "fandom mom" and I almost had a meltdown, because I was 24! I'm not exactly that much of a fannish old here! I mean, now I'm 26, but I'm still not a fannish oldtimer, particularly. Except I've been around since, eh, 2001/2, so I kind of am. Fannish generation gaps are weird.)

5. I can never tell if I'm actually a complete disaster or if I'm pretty together as a human being. Bit of both, I think.
bedlamsbard: animals: a cougar standing on a tall rock (girlyb_icons) (a high place (girlyb_icons))
1. This week has been...weird. I had a backlog of school-related e-mails to send (I always have a backlog of school-related e-mails to send, because I hate sending e-mails), which sent me into an actual panic attack (of the mild hyperventilating variety) on Tuesday (I meant to get them out Monday but A Thing on Tumblr sent me into a panicked downspin), and then I got five of them out -- two responses, one follow-up to an unanswered but kind of important request for a rec, an inquiry to a prof at BC, and an inquiry about GRE scores to one university.

1a. I got a really nice response from the BC prof, so I will apply to that school even though I sort of...really don't want to go to Boston at all (Massachusetts has SEASONS, one of which is WINTER, and after six years I have become a delicate southern blossom even if I started as a hardy PNW evergreen), but I love her research so...we'll see if I get in.

1b. Which would be easier if Dr. F would reply to my e-mail and tell me he'll write me a letter of rec, which he has done on multiple occasions before in previous years so getting no response from him is freaking me out.

2. Today my touchpad stopped working, which prompted panic while I tried to figure out why why why, and couldn't, so I shut the lid of my computer and went to the store and when I came back the touchpad was working again. Problem Child, why are you like this?

3. My ballot arrived in the mail today, so I'm really glad that sorting out my voting registration worked. Like, you know an election's messy when I actually get my shit together. (I was registered to vote, but since I haven't done so for a few years my county just stopped sending me ballots -- we're mail-in only, no polls.)

4. My phone briefly popped up "sign-in failed" for my e-mail, sending me into a tailspin of panic, but manually signing in seems to have worked since the pop-up hasn't come back? It's done this once before, and it's always SUCH panic.

5. I still haven't transferred my music to my new/current computer, aside from the Amazon stuff I can just download again. Normally I just pull it all off my iPod, since there's not like...any good way to get it from my old computer to the new one. I just haven't done so yet because effort. And my ongoing fear that this time it won't work and I will end up erasing it all, so instead I just...don't.
bedlamsbard: animals: a cougar standing on a tall rock (girlyb_icons) (a high place (girlyb_icons))
1. I'm having another fit of agony over grad school apps, which is exhausting because there's not really anything I can do except write them and cross my fingers.

1a. I e-mailed four professors asking for recs, got one "yes," one "out of office until Oct 31" response, one "no," and radio silence from the fourth, who happens to be one of the ones I'm counting on. I'll e-mail him again on Monday, and then e-mail another professor I had at Tulane and hope I can scrape up three recommenders. (I really only had a handful of professors at Tulane, and half of those were for Greek and won't work for recs -- my Greek prof was the one who said no. Leicester isn't much better, and I don't want to go back to undergrad for recs if I can help it, but I might have to.)

1b. I'm really concerned that my apps will just be thrown out because of my GRE scores, which the GRE website says are valid through June 2017, but which are over five years going by most university admissions pages, which say "within the past five years." (They're from August 2011.) But I also don't want to take the GRE again just on that off-chance.

1c. I need to e-mail the professors at the schools I'm applying to, which I haven't done yet because I hate writing cold e-mails, and what if they say "ha, no thanks"? What do I do then? Agh.

2. My father and my cousin both left within a day of each other, dropping the household from four to two, so now it's just me and my mother.

3. I still can't deal with Rebels S3 spec, and there's not really any good way to say that to people without sounding like I've lost my damn mind.

4. I'm more emotionally stable at the moment than I was a month ago, but I'm still at the point where one little thing will send me into a anxiety spiral.

4a. I'm kind of in one right now because of the grad school thing.

5. WHAT IF I DON'T GET INTO GRADUATE SCHOOL I will die in this town and my life will be over.

5a. I'm not actually sure I want to go to graduate school because the amount of stress literally makes me sick every time, but on the other hand I've been just as bad these past few months after grad school, so, like. There's no way to win here.
bedlamsbard: star wars rebels: hera peering around a corner (Default)
1. ETS says that my GRE scores are valid through 2017, but I'm a little anxious because most graduate programs say "from within the past five years," and I took the GRE in August 2011. So I'm not sure whether those schools will still consider them valid, or if I should take the GRE again. (And do worse, there's no way I'm going to do better because I haven't taken a standardized test since the last time I took the GRE.) Or if I should just contact each program individually to ask. Does anyone know?

2. My mother is still judging my spending choices hard -- well, half my spending choices, and half that I enjoy things that aren't Serious Business. It's making me paranoid, since every time I get something in the mail (which, honestly, is not that often) my mother makes comments about how I need to save my money and how I shouldn't spend money on my hobby. (Though on one occasion I was able to brandish the book I'd just gotten and go, "This is for my PhD applications! Not for fun!") But it's making me paranoid and unhappy and judged and I'm...pretty much all those things all the time anyway, so it's just heavily increasing all of those. (Like, I probably shouldn't buy things! On the other hand I did just not spend money on taking the GRE again. Unless I do have to take the GRE again. I don't know! Anyway, I'm a human disaster, but the paranoia is making me crazier than usual.)

3. I was hoping to avoid the paralyzing, nauseating dread I usually get before a new episode -- especially a season premiere -- due to the fact that I saw the Rebels season premiere at SWCE, but NOPE. I've never been able to feel anticipation or excitement, just dread. People get excited about things before they happen? Okay...that sounds fake but okay...

3a. Sometimes I really hate being in a live fandom; it's incredibly stressful for me as a fanfic writer. Especially because my fic still isn't done because, see above, human disaster.

3b. The benefit of having an Ahsoka ARC is that I can get my extreme stress about new material out of the way before it's actually released. Maybe. I don't know. If I ever read it, the thing I'm terrified of.

3c. I also can't bring myself to be excited for Rogue One because, well, it's really hard for me to be excited about anything. The fact that I'm not currently feeling complete dread about it is actually a plus, but let's wait until we get down to December to see if I have an emotion rather than "huh" about it.

4. I've pretty much hit election fatigue at this point -- I don't want to hear anything about it anymore. I'm a citizen, I'm registered to vote -- I actually sorted out my voting status before the primaries, something I haven't done in more than four years (yes, I'm the problem in this country, I know), I'm informed, there's nothing I can do until I get my ballot. I just...I wish there was a way to not see anything about it anymore. Like, sure, that's probably willful blindness, but it's not doing anything except stressing me out. And literally everything already stresses me out.

5. why am I such a human disaster, this makes number 5, right?
bedlamsbard: miscellaneous: cup of tea on a laptop (girlyb_icons) (tea and laptop (girlyb_icons))
1. I'm currently doing a complete chronological rewatch/reread of all the Star Wars canon from TPM to Rogue One, to culminate with the Rebels S2 finale on December 15, which I started on September 1 and which has a schedule and a spreadsheet and which I've been making daily updates about on Tumblr, but haven't mentioned here. I'll finish TCW S1 today, and it's been an interesting experience -- less so now that I'm into something that I'm really, really familiar with than the first week (I'm not as familiar with the films as I am with the shows), but it's something I haven't done before. And seeing how the chronological order plays out when I usually skip around is illuminating in ways I didn't expect.

2. This whole week I have been so, so tired, and I don't know why -- if I'm getting sick, if I'm pre-menstrual, if it's stress because there has been a Thing, if it's because I went from being totally on my own and going for daily multi-mile walks to living with three other people (my cousin is here right now) and essentially never leaving the house except maybe to check the mail, if it's because I'm just putting off doing application stuff, I don't know. But I'm essentially just constantly exhausted, and occasionally it passes for a few minutes at a time -- there was about an hour today where I basically inhaled enough black tea to kill a small animal in the hopes of retaining the will to stay on my feet and awake in order to gt the pork tenderloin on, but as soon as that it was done it passed and I was back to being so, so tired. I don't know, maybe I'm just unwilling to deal with anything going on around me and I'm showing it by being exhausted all the time. Maybe it's because I moved home and stopped leaving the house. Or moving. Almost at all. Who knows.

2a. Given everything else in my life right now, I am also willing to admit that I'm pretty sure this is a textbook depression sign.

2b. About 95% of the time I feel like I've lost the ability to feel human emotions, or at least anything other than blinding rage, hatred, or existential sadness. The other 5% is fine, though.

3. I really want a fourth tattoo (did I ever say here that I got a third?), but that's not a possibility right now because my parents still don't know about the first three, as they've always been very outspoken about tattoos and I am terrified to find out how they'll react, so I just...haven't worn tanktops since I got home. (Two of mine are on my back, and the third one is high on my thigh, so I'm just really careful about not letting my shorts ride up. Well, back when it was still shorts weather, anyway.)

4. I hate not currently being in school. I bitch about school a lot, but for the past twenty years my entire life has been defined by being a student, and I hate not having that right now. I'm currently reading through the publications of some of the profs I'm looking at for grad school, and it's really, really soothing to read. (Which I guess is a good sign if I like her research, though it's sort of sideways to my own.) You'd think I'd be taking this as impetus to work harder ( all...) on my applications,

5. So there's a trilogy of books that I normally reread at the end of every term, or barring that at the end of every school year, which I've been doing for, oh, probably since 2006 now. Except for the last two years, where for whatever reason, I didn't do so even though I had them in New Orleans with me. I did try, but I just...couldn't. And I don't know how related it is, but those past two years I felt like I never really full turned "off," I guess, even during vacations. I'm rereading them now and it's such an enormous relief -- like reading them is telling myself gently that it's okay, I can relax now. (I can't, because see above re: applications and also the mess that my life is, but...actually being able to read them is a huge relief.)
bedlamsbard: star wars rebels: hera peering around a corner (Default)
1. I moved back to Washington at the end of July, which has been...uh, an Experience, because while I grew up here I also haven't been home since Thanksgiving 2014 (a disaster), and I'd gotten used to (a) living on my own, (b) living in a city, and (c) living in Louisiana. So being back with my parents in my small town is interesting, and I spent all of August and the past few weeks in September in a pretty terrible headspace, even by my standards. Mood swings, ineffable sadness, irrational anger, the works.

2. One of the things I did -- benefit of moving back to your childhood home right after clearing out your first apartment -- was do a hard purge of my room, because there is stuff here that's been here since we moved here in 1996. I sent so, so many bags of stuff either to Goodwill or the dump (well, they're piled up in one of the outbuildings until we can go to the dump), but I've managed to get my room more livable or at least updated to my current interests -- I'm putting up art for the first time...ever, since I own so much Star Wars art. I've got a lot of stuff on the walls but more stuff piled up waiting for frames or the perfect place to go.

2a. One of the things I have to go through is my yarn stash, since I had to stop knitting when I injured my wrists three years and I'm too scared to start again, and I've had a couple of people say they're interested in buying it, so I need to find out what I have and price it. The problem is that this is more emotional for me than anything else, and I can only take about five minutes of looking at it every few weeks, which is not really conducive to any of the above.

3. I got really into the Star Wars Card Trader app pretty much as soon as I got home, and it's infuriating and addicting and probably not particularly good for me because of how frustrated it makes me, but it's impossible to stop. Especially once I, you know, spent real money on the thing. (And then I end up shrieking at myself "They're pixels! You could have bought REAL TRADING CARDS with that money! Or prints! Or books!" Though I lack a collector's mentality, which is probably for the best given that I also have hoarding tendencies, see above, twenty years worth of STUFF.) I just want the pretty things I want and for people not to yell at me, which is actually surprisingly ahrd to accomplish.

4. I've been cooking a lot from Freddie Prinze Jr.'s cookbook Back to the Kitchen, which I initially picked up because he voices my favorite character on Star Wars Rebels, but, guys, this cookbook is solid. LOVE IT. I think I've cooked more from it than I have from any other cookbook I own -- which is a lot, I really like cookbooks, I just don't cook from them particularly often.

5. I got my degree! My diploma came in the mail last week and I got the confirmation that my thesis passed all the checks a few days ago, which you'd think they would have confirmed before they gave me the degree, but it passed and that's the important part. I'm now in the building myself up to apply to PhD programs stage, which is nerve-wracking because I need to e-mail the professors at some of the programs I'm interested in, but I hate sending e-mails more than almost anything. (And I'd prefer to just go back to Louisiana, rather than anywhere else, which does require me to bet heavily on LSU and Tulane (again, yes, I know. Different department.) I hate change and I love New Orleans.)
bedlamsbard: animals: a cougar standing on a tall rock (girlyb_icons) (a high place (girlyb_icons))
*sigh* I spent three hours and half again as much money as I'd been quoted (inclusive of the tip) getting my hair dyed, and it ended up...exactly the same color as it always is. (I was going for purple.) I didn't get it lightened first, since three separate stylists at that salon said that the color would work without lightening it; during the third hour my stylist started backtracking and saying I should have lightened it first, despite...well. *sighs*

Ugh. *lies down* I wouldn't have minded paying if it had actually ended up the color I wanted, or honestly, any color at all, but it's just...brown, and now I'm grumpy. And my ears and the back of my neck are still pink from the dye.

And I was too shy to ask if I could get my phone or my book out of my purse after it had been put aside, or a magazine or anything, so I spent the bulk of that three hours staring into space. So that's also really aggravating.

(I'm...really aggravated about everything right now; I could pile a bunch of other stuff on top of this, but hey, let's concentrate on the hair thing for the moment.)

Also, this is the second time I've gone somewhere (either for an appointment or to make the appointment) after having a consultation and gotten the reaction, "I didn't think you'd actually show up!" The first time was when I made my first tattoo appointment. It's possible that I just read really nervous and non-committal when I go in for consults? Which...the former is pretty true, but it takes enough for me to get through the door the first time that if I've made that step, I'm going to come back again. I don't know. It's kind of distressing to me that I keep getting this reaction.
bedlamsbard: animals: a cougar standing on a tall rock (girlyb_icons) (a high place (girlyb_icons))
Didn't get into the only PhD program I applied to (IT'S ONLY BEEN TWO WEEKS! thanks for not drawing out the agony, I guess?), so now everything is terrible.

Just going to copy-paste my Tumblr tags so I don't have to wrangle them into actual sentences.

#on the bright side I don't have to worry about moving to a city I HATE #and I really wasn't suited for that program anyway #I just...would have really liked to have something settled for next year #I wanted to take a year off anyway because this year was such a disaster #and I can settle in and start making serious inquiries into programs in britain which was my preference anyway #given that two-thirds of my support system lives in the same city #but god damn it #at least I don't have to worry about finishing before the start of the new school year in case I *do* end up taking that long on my thesis #which was dr k's concern

Ugh. I think I'm moving past crying and into acceptance pretty quickly, though? It would have been nice to not find this out while I was on the PHONE WITH MY MOTHER, though.
bedlamsbard: miscellaneous: cup of tea on a laptop (girlyb_icons) (tea and laptop (girlyb_icons))
So yesterday I had a Latin exam (I'm taking a class on the poetry of Catullus this term, which means there's generally a lot of raunchy sex, but this particular exam was on Catullus 64, which is not so much on the sex; it's more or less on the aftermath of the sex as regards a couple of mythological couples), and fortunately my bar for Latin exams is extremely low, given that last year during a final I got so overwhelmed that when I finished I wrote "I'm sorry, I apparently don't know Latin" on my test. (Uh, after my mangled translations. I did those too. Somehow I still got an A in the class.) This time I actually felt okay about the exam, because it turns out studying helps.

...yeah, guess what I haven not done for my Greek quiz tomorrow. HOW TO STUDENT, I JUST DON'T KNOW, EVEN AFTER ALMOST TWENTY YEARS AS A STUDENT.

...oh, jeez, I've been a student for almost twenty years. That can't be right. Thirteen years K-12, not counting preschool, four years of undergrad, one year of postgrad, a year and a half of grad...dear god. No wonder I have no idea how to function outside of education.
bedlamsbard: star wars rebels: hera with her arms folded, smiling (hera)
So I may be, uh, attempting to do a thing. Possibly for Star Wars Celebration next July, possibly just for practice and to change my Facebook profile pic and weird out all my high school classmates who thought I went off to a fancy university to be, like, cool and successful and stuff.

Read more... )

I am not entirely certain what I am doing and may regret this; I am also trying to figure out what to do with my hair, which at the moment is just past bra-strap length and at least is not waist-length anymore. It's braided and pinned up here (no wig cap, I ordered one), but maybe smaller braids? Or something? Xena suggested pin curls. Alternately I guess I could just give in to my urge to chop all my hair off and go full Sabine.
bedlamsbard: star wars rebels: hera peering around a corner (Default)
I am not sure if there's an actual difference between a breakdown and a meltdown, but I feel like I'm having the latter in a really ugly, messy kind of way. Um, I mentioned the weight loss the other day? Because a bunch of things happened at once, starting a few weeks ago, and I can only cope with about two things at a time. And none of them have really improved greatly since then.

And then today the power in my apartment went out and I pretty much lost it. (It went out for the first time at about 6 something; I woke up at 7 something, panicked hard and cancelled my exam review, but Entergy said it would be back at ten so I just stayed in bed; it came back, I got up, I was making breakfast and talking to people online and it went off again, Entergy said it would be back at five, I panicked some more, I went to campus, then Entergy said it would be back at ten.) I ended up on campus, which still had power, but I also kind of panicked and forgot the bag I had packed with my schoolwork and a sweatshirt in it, so I couldn't. actually. do anything. I had my flashdrive, but I was too upset to write. Well, at least I got last week's grades uploaded. I ended up having a very messy, very public crying fit in the LBC to my mother, and crying on Twitter at both [personal profile] aella_irene and [ profile] xenadd for most of the day, both of whom are saints for not telling me to suck it up and get it together, and for talking me through my several hours long...whatever. Breakdown. Meltdown.

I am back at my apartment now, after eight or nine hours on campus -- where at least I made myself eat food -- and the power is back on, but god, I am so paranoid it will go out again, and I didn't get my work done for tomorrow, and I'm not sure I can bear going to my first class tomorrow, but we'll see. Today was supposed to be a nice, relaxing Sunday; I had everything scheduled out and then literally none of it happened, since I also panicked and cancelled the exam review I was supposed to hold and now I have to reschedule it.

And I am just...I am so completely keyed up and paranoid and it's going to take me weeks to get me to the point where I'm not going to assume the electricity is going to fail at any minute now. This semester feels like it's been worse than any of the others because so much is happening at once, from all angles (academic, fannish from three different ends, personal, family, random act of god shit like today), and I'm just completely out of cope. And I never had much cope anyway, though my way to get through it is to just bull forward and hope I don't shatter. not exactly a great method.

On the bright side, I did get my tickets for Star Wars Celebration in London next year (Friday and Sunday; Saturday and the three-day passes have been sold out for a while), so there's that to look forward to.
bedlamsbard: animals: a cougar standing on a tall rock (girlyb_icons) (a high place (girlyb_icons))
*headdesk* Guess what idiot mostly stopped eating out of stress and lost enough weight in two weeks that her waist measurement dropped almost two inches? THAT WOULD BE ME.

Also apparently I am not that observant because it took me this long to notice.


bedlamsbard: star wars rebels: hera peering around a corner (Default)

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