a plea for advice

[bedlamsbard]

My friend Chicago has an ex-boyfriend who has been sending her harassing text messages. He's been doing this all school year now, after repeated attempts on her part to get him to stop, and since it's the end of the school year, she's afraid to go back to Chicago. He's also an ex-felon, for reasons that she's not sure of, but other fun facts include a baby daughter he never sees and an alcohol problem and a drug addiction. (She met him through a friend who does AA.) Unfortunately, he hasn't sent her anything that she could go with the police with as grounds for a restraining order, and she doesn't want her parents to know about this. Right now, her latest option is to get her gentleman friend (who's AFROTC) to send him a text telling him to leave her alone, in the hopes that it will get him to threaten her via text and she can take that to the police. Does anybody have any advice or other options? She really doesn't want to go to her parents, and any advice would be much appreciated.

(She is making me add that she is a fine, upstanding citizen, and I can vouch for her character, if not her taste in men.)

(She also can't block his phone number; she has an unjailbroken iPhone.)

ETA: Chicago would like me to add that her parents don't know this guy exists, and has absolutely refused to tell her parents, despite repeated entreaties on my part. (Also she is reading over my shouldder and vetting everything I type.) Things I should add: she is not in Chicago proper (small town where everyone knows everybody, including the cops), she is not a minor, her parents are paying her tuition, and she's a gender studies major so I have no idea why she is so stubborn on this point, and she believes I am over-reacting.

And thank you very, very much to everyone who has replied at this point.

Comments

[cofax7]

Can she change her number? She shouldn't have to, but if it's the primary method for him to get in touch with her, it would probably help.

I would not encourage her to bring in outside help, since that acknowledges that his harrassment is having an effect on her. It would also likely make the ex think that the AFROTC is her new boyfriend, and thus he has justified cause for jealousy.

I would also encourage you to buy her a copy of The Gift of Fear, which has a lot of good advice about handling stalkers.

[aella_irene]

Apropos nothing, is it Chicago who's coming to London next year? Whoever it is, if they need anything, they can e-mail me.

[bedlamsbard]

It is Chicago who is going to London next year, yes! She is trying to find an English husband. Also study English lit.

[aella_irene]

Youu should tell her that the English are also crazy and nasty, we just have the accents, and warn her about getting into unbooked minicabs, and, indeed, any minicab that isn't one of the stereotypical English ones.

[rachelmanija]

(Hi, you don't know me, I've been enjoying your Narnia stories via cofax!)

I'm coming from this from the perspective of having some training in domestic violence via being a volunteer crisis counselor, and... sorry to lay this on you... having known two people who were murdered by their exes.

Here are my suggestions:

1. Do not bring in the gentleman friend. If the plan works, then the situation has escalated from harassment to outright threats. Escalation is a bad idea, even if it's for a desired result.

2. Contact a local domestic violence organization for advice. SERIOUSLY. This is exactly the sort of situation they handle. Abuse doesn't have to involve physical violence.

3. Change her phone number.

Feel free to email me if you want to talk more. Rphoenix2 at gmail.

[cofax7]

Listen to Rachel.

And as for the parental stuff, why not just say, "There's a guy who's harrassing me on the phone, and I want it to stop, but I can't unless you allow me to change the number/block his number?" What parents would not approve that?

[bedlamsbard]

Chicago has the link to this post, so I am kind of doubtful about answering, but -- apparently if she does that, her parents will demand to know why, and she wants to avoid dealing with her parents altogether.

[rachelmanija]

Hmm. Is there any lie her parents would accept? Like, random phone pervert making persistent harassing calls?

[alexseanchai]

Thirding the advice to change her phone number. Also suggesting she call customer service for the iPhone and explain the situation and ask why the fuck blocking his number isn't an option, but that might end up being significant effort for no significant result. And there might not be enough for a restraining order, but that doesn't necessarily mean there isn't enough to go to the cops--the answer might be that they can't do anything unless things get worse, but the answer might also be they can help.

[drunkoffthestars]

Ditto what everyone else said.

1. IDK how helpful this would be, but going to the police at least starts things, even if she doesn't have anything. They can tell her what exactly she does need, and I don't actually know anything about anything, but a paper trail is better started earlier than later.

2. Ditto on the domestic violence help group. They will also have good suggestions on how to handle it, how to respond.

3. Extra ditto NO on the escalation thing. It might be fine, but it really might not. And it doesn't matter if the dude she wants to help her is AFROTC if it is her the stalker is after.

4. She might be able to block the number through her cell service provider if not her actual phone. Contact customer service and ask them how to do it. She might also see if they can get her call/text records, if not the actual contents of the text messages to show that he has been trying to contact her repeatedly.

5. I obviously have no idea why she doesn't want to involve her parents, but if it just that she doesn't want to upset them, she needs to understand that they will be much MORE upset if she ends up hurt/dead because of this. That needs to stop being a concern, PRONTO. Also, if the stalker knows how to contact her family, and they don't know he is a stalker and she wants to avoid him, they can give out her contact info for him to continue stalking her.

6. Change the phone number and be done with it, especially if that is the only method he is using to contact her.

[sara]

I'd vote for getting a new phone number and a summer job and/or summer school wherever she's going to school, myself. Having had years where I avoided various cities for similar reasons, often if one can stay far enough away from the unstable man who was once in one's life, he will fixate on something else. *cough*

And why she thinks this isn't enough to get a restraining order, I don't know -- looking at the Cook County Clerk of the Court site about orders of protection, which is what the thing you'd want is called in Illinois, it sounds like this guy, particularly given his history, has more than done enough for her to get one.

[snacky]

I agree with pretty much all the suggestions so far, although I would add she might need to tell her parents. I can understand why she wouldn't want to, but if they're the ones paying for the cellphone, she'll need them to get the number changed.

[sgrio]

Chicago:

You're really not overreacting, and in this case it's better to overreact than hope it goes away. I learned the hard way to always trust my instincts about people, even if it seems stupid, and I'd really encourage you to listen to your (and bedlam's!) instincts here. If you're uncomfortable, it's for a good reason. It's not mean, and it's not hysterical, unless everyone on the planet makes you feel uncomfortable, which I doubt.

You might be in denial- it's easy to want play down the danger and put your head in the sand and hope it goes away if you ignore it. I did that for three years before I realized, that, no, this guy was genuinely creepy and I wasn't being a hysterical virgin. And he didn't have a criminal record!

You don't need to arm yourself or board up the windows, but it's not silly to take precautions. At least call a helpline, please. Better safe and overprepared than blasé and vulnerable. Seriously, listen to your instincts. They're there for a reason.

[sgrio]

Another point: it may not be dangerous, that may not be the case, but it definitely sounds like emotional abuse.

I dealt with years of abuse from someone I love very much, and I'm only now, decades down the line, untangling myself and realizing just how much damage was done. So, if nothing else, please consider the abusive elements of the relationship. Is it healthy? Is it making you happy? Do you have to put up with it? (No, by the way. No.) Is it negatively impacting your life? Is it taking away options and making you feel uncertain and unhappy?

Then it's abuse. And you need to sort it out, somehow. So, please, please call that hotline.

[harpers_child]

tell mom and dad "i met this guy through a friend and gave him my number and now he won't stop harassing me. would you mind paying for phone provider to block his number? i think he's getting obsessed with me and some of his texts make me feel threatened." she doesn't have to go into the romantic aspect if she doesn't want to. just make it sound like a friend of a friend. maybe admit she might have flirted with him a time or two.

[dogstar]

This, exactly. It's low key, and it keeps things from escalating. ALl of my other ideas are more confrontational because I'm an evil jerk.

[harpers_child]

i may have had a similar situation with a guy i dated once. my parents knew about him, we only dated for a month and half, and he was a cop. after we broke up he kept calling me. and calling me. and calling me. on my cell phone. on my dorm phone. on my parent's house phone. we blocked numbers. he used friends phones, called from work, called from siblings houses etc. i can't remember how it all ended (this was years ago) but i know i never went anywhere without at least two large male friends with me. it was horrible. i don't think anyone should ever have to go through it.

[dogstar]

It's also worth pointing out that if he's texting THAT much- and especially if she's not replying- her parents already have access to that information via their phone bill.