bedlamsbard | am not responding to replies on the other post, as she has the link to it

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am not responding to replies on the other post, as she has the link to it

*bites lip* And now I feel like I may have actually made things worse, as Chicago has decided she is overreacting, despite the fact that she asked me to ask the Internet.

The thing I don't get is that Chicago is (a) a gender and sexuality studies major and (b) was on the rape crisis hotline last year and (c) has been involved in the Vagina Monologues for two years and (d) is on Student Conduct Board and (e) if it was me or someone else in the suite, I'm pretty sure she'd be telling me the exact same thing I am telling her. I just -- GAH. This has been going on and off all year; when they were actually dating I was pretty sure this was a bad idea and she was going to end up raped and murdered. And they've, like -- they haven't actually interacted much in person, from what I know. They have met a couple of times, but most of what's gone on has been via text, and just --

I feel like if she took this to any of the GESS professors or advisors at Tulane (and we know all of them), they would be just as worried. And I honestly can't believe -- well, I can, but -- that she's more worried about her parents finding out than she is about getting hurt.

I don't know, maybe I am freaking out more than I should, but -- I don't think I am. I mean -- I really don't want her to get hurt, and horrible stuff happens to women all the time, and just -- argh, some of the things she's said re: the Joe problem, and "Oh, if I text him to fuck off, then the police will think I deserved it, so I'm going to keep being polite and hope he gets the message" and --

This is not on. This is not right. I don't -- I don't know what to do.

She thinks she can't call a hotline or a help group because "it's not real domestic violence" and "they're too busy."

AT&T also said that she can't block his number without paying extra or getting a new phone number, and for either of those she has to tell her parents. Going to the police in her hometown will end in her parents being told, apparently, because it's one of those towns where everyone knows each other. She says it's not important because she's not in Chicago/Hometown (DuPage County) very much anyway. (And she's going abroad next year.)

And now the rest of the suite also thinks I'm overreacting.

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Harassment is a form of emotional abuse. Since she's in a romantic relationship with him, him harassing her is a form of domestic violence. It's real domestic violence.

WTF AT&T? And I'd offer to send a check to cover the cost of blocking his number except my account is at single digits left of the decimal. And I won't ask why her parents finding out is a bad thing (or why the police wouldn't keep her name out of the discussion of the case if she asked them to), but why does blocking his number require telling her parents?

For the iPhone (her plan is through AT&T), you have to get a specific (paid) app to block numbers, and it's her parents' plan or something like that, so they would have to pay for it; she couldn't do it on her own.

She is -- I love her, but -- *bites lip* The very first rule of her relationship/ex-relationship has been "don't tell my parents." And -- okay, I get the fact that her parents are paying her tuition to a $50K+ year school, giving her spending money, paying for her sorority (this has nothing to do with her sorority, by the way), and that because of that she is basically tied to them no matter what, but -- I think her parents would care more about her being safe than the fact she made a bad decision. I've met her parents. They're very nice.

I believe her words on the police were, "Just because I ask the police not to tell my parents won't mean they won't get drunk with my dad and tell him."

*beats head into desk*

I repeat: WTF AT&T. Why the fuck are they asking for money to do something teeny that will definitely prevent emotional abuse and possibly prevent worse things? This is exactly the sort of situation that the ability to block a phone number was invented for.

*joins you in headdesking*

Apparently one can do it from a jailbroken iPhone, but her iPhone is not jailbroken. I looked this up the last round we went with Joe. *twitches*

Maybe I can accidentally knock her iPhone off a balcony and convince her to, like, leave The Man That Is Apple and get a phone that will allow her to do things.

...I wonder if that would work, actually. Or if I could convince her to just switch phones! ...wait, she's probably on A Plan. (Huh, I wonder I can block numbers on my phone? Just out of idle curiosity.)

would she have to tell her parents about this guy in order to block numbers? if that's the sticking point, could she say something like "this girl Jane Doe keeps calling for John Smith, no matter how many times I explain this isn't his number, and I'm sick of dealing with her"? i don't know if lying to her parents is the ideal situation, but it's probably better than continuing to get his harassing texts.

also, i don't think you're overreacting.

Huh, that's not a bad idea -- I'll throw that at her the next time I see her. Although we did suggest something along those lines, and she pointed out that a lot of the texts have her name in them, although hers is a fairly common name.

Thank you.

ex-felon, [with] a baby daughter he never sees and an alcohol problem and a drug addiction, who is harrassing and/or stalking your friend.

"Over-reacting" might be buying a gun and never leaving the house.

Getting a new phone number or blocking his texts is not over-reacting to someone who is a felon with addiction issues and has clearly indicated he's obsessed with her. If he's sending her texts, he's probably also driving past your dorm/apartment and following her when he can.

Seriously: The Gift of Fear. Get her a copy.

There is no shame in taking care of your own safety, and she might want to consider that she's also putting you and your suitemates at risk by her refusal to take action. (My sophomore year in college, a stalker showed up and took the object of his obsession and her roommate hostage before shooting and killing them both.)

Oh, gods. I am -- very glad that he does not have a car and is in Illinois while we are in Louisiana. Except she's going back to Illinois. She says he doesn't know where she lives, but -- argh.

And the thing is, he must have timed this deliberately, because he always starts up with the texting again right before or during our vacations, and he's left her alone after a strongly-worded spring break text (she wasn't in Chicago over spring break), but it's finals time, which means we're all going home sometime in the next week and a half, and he sent her seven texts in two hours.

And I have been reacting badly to this since she came back from summer break with, "I'm sort of in a relationship! We've only met once in person! He slept with my friend; they met through AA! He has a kid!" so she is less likely to take me seriously than anyone else. (She's also seriously worried I'm going to tell her dad; he comes in tomorrow.)

Do you have the phone number he's texting from, and if so, if you're upset about this enough to risk your relationship with her, do you think that telling her dad that she keeps getting harassing texts from this number, and in order to block that number, someone with access to the phone plan needs to get involved in it?

It's not necessarily something I'm recommending you do, but pointing out that it is an option.

*support* That sounds like a really sucky situation. Harassment is harassment and you are not over-reacting. She does not have to put up with unwanted contact from someone she feels threatened by. :( denial sucks.

*hands* I am just -- like, last semester I did a work-study job at the center for research on women on campus, and my job? Was putting up woman-related links on Twitter and blogging, and about ninety percent of everything I found was terrifying (thus the reason I am no longer working there; I could not handle the stress), and so I'm not sure how much my view is skewed, but damn it, this happens. It happens to nice white middle-class Catholic honor student girls, and the last thing in the world I want to say is, "I told you so."

*hugs* I don't think you're overreacting, and I think she's trying to play it down out of fear of appearing silly, and because if you don't think it's that dangerous, it can't be that dangerous, right? (WRONG!)

I mean, it's probably not an immediate danger, and it may never escalate, but it's definitely not healthy and definitely not what I would call safe. *hugs*

And, for the love of God, stick to your guns. IT IS DOMESTIC ABUSE. As a survivor of years of emotional abuse, I can say that, yes, it DOES COUNT. Christ, does it count. I'm still untangling myself now.

She was a lot more worried before I sicced DW and LJ on her, and now she just thinks everyone thinks it's worse than it is (as far as I can tell). Like, I cannot see what the harm is in calling a domestic violence hotline in her home community. At least they would probably be likely to tell her whether or not there's an actual problem, and as I have emphasized, I am fairly sure that sort of thing is anonymous. I want it to stop before it escalates.

(And maybe I'm overreacting because I watch a lot of crime dramas on TV, and because I saw a ton of terrifying stuff at my work-study job last year, and because of fandom, but -- I want it to stop before something goes terribly wrong. I don't want to say, "I told you so.")

http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

http://www.drirene.com/verbal1.htm

I don't think you're overreacting.

And Chicago's involvement in everything you listed doesn't mean she doesn't have her own blinders. For one thing, it's very easy to see what's wrong with someone else's relationship, but when it's your own, you can be too close. It's a lot easier to brush it off as 'not as bad as I know it can be' or as 'look, I'm into all this heavy, smart stuff, there's no way I would get myself into this, so it can't be that bad because it can't happen to me'.

I wish I could give you something concrete that you and she could do to fix this.

This is true. *sighs*

Being intelligent and educated about this stuff does not mean knowing how to cope with it in one's own life. No, really really really. Sadly, all the gender role analysis skills in the world will not prevent one from being victimized.

I know. It's just -- argh.

This is really tough. It's also, unfortunately, really common.

My professor who was murdered by her ex-husband had been abused by him for years and years. She was a college professor who had written a book of feminist criticism. Knowing these things is not proof against getting sucked in.

She is, of course, making all sorts of wrong assumptions and unwise actions, but you know this. I don't think you're overreacting. AT ALL. But until and unless she's ready to listen, probably the best thing you can do is be there for her until she gets to that place.

Could you tell one of professors, turning it all into hypotheticals, and see what they say? Ask her first, obviously.

You're not overreacting. This is dangerous. Although I have no good suggestions to offer, sorry, other than the "hey, Mom, there's this guy who won't leave me alone and I'm sick of it, I want to block his number but that's a paid app, can you cover the cost?" (How much is this app, anyway? Does she not have spending money of her own?)

you are DEFINITELY not overreacting.

Like other people have said - how much does she actually have to tell her parents about him to get his number blocked? maybe she could just say it's this guy she met once or twice and who's been harassing her ever since? she could possibly fudge the details some, though I don't think it's an optimal arrangement.

<333 I really hope everything turns out well.

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am not responding to replies on the other post, as she has the link to it

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I dunno...

Re: I dunno...

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