beyond the wide world's end

Ugh, I hate everything. Today was the Classical Studies department reception, which was...fun, I guess, there was good food and I got to see a lot of professors, but despite being a major I'm generally very dissociated from the department. I only know about half the profs, and only three or four of the other graduating majors and minors, so there was a lot of standing around awkwardly with my mother trying to get the attention of one of the profs I know to talk before we finally gave up and left.

Then there was Under the Oaks, which is the Newcomb College (Institute) ceremony, which was touching at the beginning and then led into, "Why are all these people so much more talented than I am, why did I waste my college career?" with the awards. (I...kind of hate graduation right now just because I feel like a failure.)

Then Wave Goodbye, which had a lot of food and, well, also led to me hating the entire world because my father and grandmother were late and there were a ton of people and really long lines.

( personal family and academic stuff )

So tomorrow is graduation, and then I'm spending one more night in the dorms before going back to Washington in the morning. I'm also supremely frustrated because I can't figure out whether or not my university is letting me bring my purse to the ceremony or not, because I don't have time tomorrow morning to give it to my parents and I can't figure out if I can just bring it with me. (I...think so? Because they say that you have to carry personal belongings with you throughout the day on one page, and on another they say you have to leave them with your guests or family.) And I'm just supremely frustrated, because I have one dress with pockets, but that was the one I wore today and I have one I bought specifically for graduation that I really want to wear. And...I think I'm just going to bring my purse. What are they going to do, take it away from me? Not let me out on the floor for the Unified Ceremony? (There's like a three-hour thing in the middle before we walk for actual commencement, where I'll be with my parents.)

Also the shoes that I was going to wear broke and I had to throw them away at Wave Goodbye. (I was also wearing them today, but they actually match my graduation dress, so I'm going to have to go with another pair of shoes, but at least those are more comfortable and walkable.)

In conclusion, I still hate everything and I've cried my eyes a really alarming shade of red.

ETA: The only really good things about graduating are (a) finally being able to check "4-year college degree" on online surveys instead of "some college" and (b) my Newcomb College Mignon Faget ring. (Which is annoying me slightly because it's a hair too big and because it displaced my grandmother's engagement ring. I'm trying to decide if it's okay to wear that ring on my left ring finger or not. To be fair, I'm pretty sure I'd be irritated by anything this week: it really is an awesome ring.)

So I finished my last final paper -- Arachne and Minerva and the ekphrasis in Metamorphoses VI, I dunno, all my papers are connected somehow -- at four in the morning, formatted it, wrote the e-mail, attached the paper, and sent it. Then went to bed, because four in the morning.

Then I woke up this morning, checked my e-mail, and the e-mail. With the paper. WAS STILL IN MY DRAFTS FOLDER. IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SENT TO MY PROF BY THIS MORNING. So I added a note about how I was sorry it was late, I swear I thought that I'd sent it, and sent it (again?). I mean, there's really nothing else I can do at this point.

Then I went to Bruff for breakfast, because today's the last day the dining hall's open and it might be the last time I ever see Bruff! And then the fire alarm went off.

Also my hands are still so, so sore from four days of all the goddamn typing, I think I've typed around thirty single-spaced pages in the past four days.

At some point I should pack? But I'm here for another week, and my mother's coming in tomorrow and she'll help me pack. (You know. My seventy books. And my fifteen pairs of shoes. And my kitchen gear.) If I had had to pack and write papers and prepare to move out at the same time -- which I usually do, but papers are worse than exams and I only had one exam this term -- I think I would have exploded. So thank the gods for that extra week before graduation, I guess.

ETA: And I just finished Cyteen: The Betrayal and...my uni library only has volume one. Of a three-volume set. BECAUSE THIS IS HOW HOWIE-T ROLLS. *wails* (Yes, I finally got into it, it took me a while, only now I cannot read the rest until I get home.) Hey, do I want to read Connie Willis, BTW?

My university has two 3000-year-old Egyptian mummies that have been in the university's collection since 1852 (for an American school, this is old). Look, I've seen this movie. It never ends well. Lots of screaming and dying and the Plagues of Egypt, you know how it is. Especially when one is named "Thoth says that he will live." NOT A GOOD SIGN, RUN AWAY RUN AWAY.

In other news, today is the last day of my undergraduate classes. I'd be more freaked out if I didn't actually have stuff I haven't done. (Uh, whoops.)

My cap and gown are in my possession. I can freak out now, right?

I keep feeling like this story wants to be weirdly sexually charged. Like, maybe that's a good thing? But it feels wrong to me, but maybe that's just because it's Star Wars and/or I'm still going through that period where I have no interest whatsoever in trying to write porn. I can't tell. *hands* I never got any feedback on part one, so I'm working totally in the dark here, which is...discomfiting. Not really on the level of OH GOD EVERYONE HATES IT WOE IS ME, which is interesting, but more on the level of, "Wow, I could be totally off-base here and not know. Weird." Which isn't bothering me as much as it has before (thank the muses, I'm just saying, because that's all I need, another batshit insane over feedback incident), but it's...strange. I'm sure there's some kind of evocative metaphor I could come up with that would more accurately describe my dislocation, but it's escaping me at the moment.

(It's not that I think I'm out on Narnia entirely, just for the minute, because something finally rubbed me the wrong way and I'm backing off until I can think straight on the subject or until it translates from despair to inspired anger. I don't know why I feel the overwhelming need to explain this; it's no one's business but mine, but I feel guilty?)

ETA: Actually I think I do want someone to talk through Dooku's motivation with me, so if you happen to be interested in plotty SW genderfuck set during the Clone Wars, please hit me up.

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TV what I am watching right now: Fringe, Castle, Revenge, Star Wars: The Clone Wars, and Alcatraz, which is fabulous and which I've seen very little about (we're only up to...mmm, I think six episodes? So you can easily catch up!).

I didn't actually mean to stop watching Criminal Minds last season, but I didn't think I was emotionally in a place where I could handle what happened to Prentiss, so I stopped right before "Lauren" and just...never caught up. I'd like to do so now, since that...thing...has apparently since been rectified, but I just haven't gotten 'round to it. I guess I should do that, since it used to be one of my favorite shows.

Last week I finished working my way through Prison Break, since I'm going through another one of those periods where I have to have some kind of background noise for my homework. Unfortunately I haven't yet found anything to replace it -- I started rewatching Lost, but I started getting too annoyed at everyone, because apparently that show really is better when you're drugged up (which I was, the first time I watched it, since I'd just gotten my wisdom teeth out and I was in a lot of pain and had nothing better to do).

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Volunteering at a battered women's shelter for my public service. Today Oregon (whose in my public service class as well as my Greek class) and I spent two hours cleaning the kitchen, and about an hour in my back pain flared up something fierce and hasn't gone away since. This was -- uh, seven hours ago? It's gone up and down in intensity since, but it's definitely still there. I really wish I knew why this was happening, and some way to make it stop, because Advil doesn't work.

I'm sure this was not helped by the fact that I (a) hadn't gotten enough sleep and (b) had barely eaten anything all day. By the time we got back to campus, I was starving and in so much physical pain I could barely think aside from "MUST GET FOOD."

(For some reason going in to the doctor's office for the back pain is really bizarre to me, despite the fact that it's been going on for at least three years now. I know I probably should -- I mean, I could just go to Health Services on campus -- but...I don't know. Maybe part of me is convinced that it's all in my head, especially since painkillers have never, ever made it stop.)

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Mardi Gras season down here, and wow, Mardi Gras really snuck up on me this year. It's my last year in New Orleans, and I feel like I should spend it going to parades! Except I'm too tired and keyed up and even more antisocial than I was as a freshman to go to them, and also now I'm mildly annoyed because there are only two parades I always go to (well -- one, but the other follows immediately after) and they just got moved to different days because the weather forecast for tomorrow is RAIN. But I'll go to Iris and Tucks anyway, because those two are mine.

(Man, the stories I could tell about parades past, and my stories aren't even that thrilling, since I've never tackled a police officer or had my teeth knocked out or been present at a shooting. Mine are just things like, "Once a cup bounced off my head! Once I saw a chain gang cleaning up the streets, and it was the creepiest thing ever! Once I saw a car chase coming back from a parade! Once my roommate punched a guy (but I wasn't actually there)! Once I saw a couple walking past carrying a giant thing of tequila at eight in the morning!" Oh, New Orleans. HOW CAN I EVER LEAVE YOU?)

*

I am however thinking about getting an entire king cake. Last chance! Unless I do decide to go to LSU for library school next year.

I have just christened my brand new shoes by bleeding all over them, so I'm clearly no longer permitted to buy my own shoes. (Not just, "ow, these hurt my feet," I mean, "OW MY FEET ARE BLEEDING OH LOOK BLOODSTAINS WHERE ARE THE BANDAGES.")

Also today our toilet overflowed, so I called in ServiceWave and they had to keep coming and going to get parts, but it looks like it might be fine now? Since I left while they were still working on it, but they're not here now.

Also I took my laptop to class today (for the first time ever), the battery ran out (ten minutes from the end), and now my laptop is telling me that my battery is nearing the end of its lifespan. (To its credit, I've had the same battery for the past four years; I almost never run my laptop on battery alone.)

Then I came back from class to an e-mail from my major advisor telling me I need one more class to complete the major.

Please sweet gods don't let me have another Tuesday night freakout like I did last week, since last week's lasted well into Wednesday. (Obviously, I have Latin and some of my Greek homework left to do tonight, along with a book on the Duke of Lerma. I QUIT.)

ETA: Great, now my tuition's screwed up too, since it looks like my GET money didn't come in and I didn't realize it until I told my mother how much I paid and she went, "Wait, that's too high." But that's not something I can do anything about; she's calling them now. (Fortunately I'm about ninety-five percent sure that I've got enough money in my bank account cover the extra $2500 or so. Actually, I just checked, so yeah, I have the money to cover it and still pay for books and groceries and random Star Wars books. Also...I didn't realize I had another CD, awesome.)

Today I didn't even make it out of my apartment before I started crying at my mother.

...also things just started looking up, since I just checked my grades and my Greek grade got fixed. Cumulative GPA went from a 3.4 to a 3.7. That is a BIG DIFFERENCE.

I am just so fucking exhausted and I still have freaking homework.

Yeah, okay, I'm remembering why I actually do want to graduate -- I love Tulane (most of the time), I'm pretty fond of New Orleans (most of the time), but I can't be here without remembering, "I was (and sometimes am) completely miserable here," and the whole campus is tainted by that for me. Even my apartment is. I forget this when I'm home, and then I get back here and end up going, "Yeah, no." (Because, you know, it's not like I haven't thought about moving to New Orleans, but...no. I don't think I could do it. And fortunately I don't have to!) (Uh, disclaimer: I do love New Orleans, I have friends who moved down here and fell in love with New Orleans, but it just didn't click for me that way. It could have, but it didn't.)

In other news: what the hell was I thinking when I chose these classes, omg, I am going to die. (Two seminars, two languages, and a lecture with public service attached, which at least looks like I won't have to deal with kids and may be able to do administrative work at a cause that I actually care about.) I already have homework and a quiz tomorrow. I also have to send many e-mails to sort out the honors thesis and capstone thing, but...I hate sending e-mails.

I also need to answer comments, so that will happen...sometime. Probably today.

OH OH OH. You remember how I may have been freaking out last month about a surprise C in Greek? Yeah, that was a mistake. It was supposed to be an A-. (Not as bad as the girl who got accidentally failed! YEAH.)

Exposition, my evil nemesis, we meet again! Which is to say, I hate this scene I'm working on in BW and it's the same reason I haven't started Dust 28 yet, because I'm trying to figure out how to do it without a giant exposition dump. (Which is boring.)

*

An academic thing: I think that I'm going to have to drop my honors thesis, because at this point I'd be trying to do a full-year project in less than a semester, and that's never a good idea. I finally figured out what I'd want to write about (gee, it only took a year), but I don't have the time or energy to do it, especially since now the very words "honors thesis" kind of make me want to weep. I'm not that happy with this decision since it feels like giving up + I won't graduate with honors, but I really don't think I can pull it off at this point, not and still meet the honors program's deadlines + keep up with the rest of my classes. I'm going to have to take a MEMS capstone and maybe a Classics one (although I think since Classics is my secondary major, I might not have to do a second capstone; I need to check with my advisor), but I've already got one MEMS seminar this semester that could count, although I'm thinking of taking my thesis advisor's seminar in the English department, because I love him and it's my last year. Also I feel bad.

I don't know. I'm so messed up over this project that I can't look at it straight anymore. Academic-type people, does it actually seem like a rational decision or an excuse not to do it?

Okay, so it probably shouldn't have taken me a month -- or more -- to figure this out, but, oh hey, I actually talked in my seminar when I was still taking copious notes in the readings + eating enough + and getting enough sleep.

Probably might have been nice if I'd figure this out sometime before the last day of class. *headdesk* Okay, technically tomorrow is the last day of classes, but today was the last day for my seminar and my Chaucer class. And I was basically half-asleep through all of Chaucer, since I didn't get enough sleep last night; I came back to my apartment and sat around going, "Did we actually get to The Parson's Tale? I can't remember." Turns out we did, I took notes on it, I just can't...figure out what they were on. Since I was mostly asleep. And my handwriting goes when I'm asleep. Well, there will be choices on the final; I just won't do anything that involves the Parson's Tale.

For some reason yesterday I completely blanked on the fact that I have an 8:30 class this morning, despite the fact that I've had an 8:30 every freaking Thursday this semester, and only remembered at the lovely hour of midnight, which means I didn't get to bed until sometime around 1:00 and I just. I cannot function on six hours of sleep.

I'll be very glad when the semester's over just so I can make another try at readjusting my sleep schedule to something resembling normality. (Actually, I am so tired that I'm going to finish this post, take a shower, and go to be, which might help. Sleeeeeeeeeep.)

*

Unrelatedly, today I watched, or tried to watch, the pilot episode of Carnivale (Ron Moore! Tim DeKay! I like playing, "Where have I seen this actor/television-related personage before?"). It was...interesting. Very HBO-y. There were a couple things in that episode that really, really put me off, so I had it on as background noises while I switched windows (...I can't remember, there might have been one scene where I actually took out my headphones), which led to me missing things when I went back to it and suddenly there were things like MYSTERIOUS RAIN OF BLOOD. Hopefully all the things that set off my stupidly sensitive embarrassment squick were used up in the pilot, because I'm interested enough to go on, it's just so...HBO.

Even less relatedly: Am still poking at the Dollhouse/BSG crossover, though my enthusiasm appears to be fading (except for when Athena or Leoben HACKS THE DOLLHOUSE COMPUTERS IT WOULD BE AWESOME, and the Colonials are all, Ha, this is why you frakkers shouldn't network!), and I keep weirdly coming up short at the difference in fight scenes between the two. Because Dollhouse is almost gratuitously violent, with these long, stylized fight scenes -- apparently Tahmoh Penikett choreographed a lot of his own fight scenes, though! -- and trying to mash up that up with BSG is just...it's really bizarre. We've got a couple of hand-to-hand fight scenes in BSG -- Kobol's Last Gleaming Part Two, the one with Starbuck and Six, and...maybe Unfinished Business? Those are the only really extended ones I can think of; there are also cases of people getting beaten up, which don't really count. The feeling is just so different between the two, it's weird. And I like writing fight scenes, so trying to mash up those two styles just...it's not working for me right now. It's a moment where I go, "Well, if I was writing Dollhouse fic, this would be going on a lot longer and they'd completely trash the apartment. But if I was writing BSG, he'd probably just get hit over the head a couple of times with something heavy. OMG WHAT DO I DO?" Look, I like writing fight scenes. I can probably say with some certainty that I like writing fight scenes more than the average fanperson. I haven't even started writing this fight scene and just trying to figure out some kind of balance between Dollhouse-style fight scenes and BSG-style fight scenes is completely stopping me in my tracks. What a weird thing to get hung up on, right?

The weather can go back to being in the mid-seventies any day now. Get on that please, New Orleans! (Sure, y'all may have, like, snow and ice and below-freezing temps or something, but the mid-forties is really goddamn cold for us, okay?) I am totally rethinking my plan to go somewhere with four seasons. Seasons! Who needs them?

Miraculously, I today managed not to skip any classes, despite how tempting it was. I lay in bed at 9:15 going, "If I don't go to Greek, then I can eat breakfast." But I'd actually done the homework for Greek, so I went. (I was five minutes late, but I didn't miss anything.) Then I spent forty minutes standing in the hallway outside a professor's office so that I could get her signature, then I went to Greek Art & Archaeology and only fell asleep a little bit (I have got to start getting a full night's sleep again), then I ate lunch and almost didn't go to Latin because I'd only finished about a third of my translation, but it was okay, because the third I finished was the bit I got to do in class. (My prof knows that I had a thesis chapter due, and I've been, you know, equal parts crazy and exhausted for weeks now. Also, Cicero. You can't do Cicero when you're so tired you can't see straight. I really have to either start eating enough or sleeping enough, preferably both.)

Then I spent another twenty minutes sitting around outside a different professor's office, but he had trufax concrit on my chapter and then I got to go hand my chapter in and IT IS GONE. I mean, obviously I have to rewrite the entire flippin' thing, but IT IS IN.

Granted, I haven't finished the seminar reading I was supposed to have done last night and thus I obviously haven't written or sent in my abstract, which was due twenty minutes ago, but it'll get done. It'll be late, but it'll be done and I think it might be better if I, you know, do the reading for the class. ('s something about the fall of Granada and Ferdinand and Isabella, we're coming up on the end of the Middle Ages.) And I still have twenty lines of Cicero to do, since I didn't ten lines last night and I have another ten lines tonight, and...I need to read more Chaucer, which will probably be the most soothing thing of the evening if I don't wait until after midnight to do it.

Also, today I got a box of tea in the mail. YAY TEA. My one really indulgent Black Friday purchase.