![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bedlamsbardAllow me to sum up the First Punic War for you, as told by Polybius:
MAMERTINES: ...uh, could we get a little help here?
CARTHAGE: OMG we have wanted to get one over on Syracuse for years, let's go!
meanwhile, in the Roman Senate
SENATOR #1: So, Messana. We should --
SENATOR #2: Messana is on Sicily. Sicily is an ISLAND.
SENATOR #3: So?
SENATOR #2: That requires boats. We're not so good with boats, guys.
SENATOR #4: How hard can it be? The Greeks managed it, it can't be that hard!
SENATOR #5: We already have a war! We have Gauls all up in our business! Clearly the army and the consuls are needed there --
SENATOR #6: We have two consuls for a reason!
SENATOR #7: Why do we have to help the Mamertines again?
SENATOR #1: Well, they're Campanian...
SENATOR #8: I don't see why that's important.
SENATOR #9: I SHALL NOT SEE ANOTHER PYRRHUS IN ITALY.
SENATOR #2: Can we get back to the boat thing?
ROMAN CONSUL: So, what up, guys, we're here.
CARTHAGINIAN GENERAL: ...why is Rome here? Oh, well, I suppose we shall leave.
CARTHAGINIAN SENATE: YOU DID WHAT?
CARTHAGINIAN GENERAL: Wow, I really didn't expect to get crucified for that. *dies*
CARTHAGINIAN SENATE: BRING ON THE ELEPHANTS.
many elephants later
ROME: Okay, now we're angry.
SENATOR #2: BOATS. I TOLD YOU IT WOULD COME DOWN TO BOATS.
ROME: *builds quinqueremes*
ROME: See? That wasn't so hard, was it?
CARTHAGE: ...the Romans have boats. And they have -- things on them. What are those -- DO THESE PEOPLE NOT KNOW HOW TO FIGHT A PROPER NAVAL BATTLE? *is defeated*
ROME: We're on a BOAT.
ROME: *has multiple fleets sunk in bad weather*
ROME: Um. So. Let's go back to the land army thing.
CARTHAGE: ELEPHANTS.
ROME: So...that didn't go as well as planned. Uh, we invaded part of Africa?
twenty-four years in, on Sicily
CARTHAGE: Rome shall never try another fleet!
ROME: *lands a fleet*
CARTHAGE: ...whoops.
MAMERTINES: ...uh, could we get a little help here?
CARTHAGE: OMG we have wanted to get one over on Syracuse for years, let's go!
meanwhile, in the Roman Senate
SENATOR #1: So, Messana. We should --
SENATOR #2: Messana is on Sicily. Sicily is an ISLAND.
SENATOR #3: So?
SENATOR #2: That requires boats. We're not so good with boats, guys.
SENATOR #4: How hard can it be? The Greeks managed it, it can't be that hard!
SENATOR #5: We already have a war! We have Gauls all up in our business! Clearly the army and the consuls are needed there --
SENATOR #6: We have two consuls for a reason!
SENATOR #7: Why do we have to help the Mamertines again?
SENATOR #1: Well, they're Campanian...
SENATOR #8: I don't see why that's important.
SENATOR #9: I SHALL NOT SEE ANOTHER PYRRHUS IN ITALY.
SENATOR #2: Can we get back to the boat thing?
ROMAN CONSUL: So, what up, guys, we're here.
CARTHAGINIAN GENERAL: ...why is Rome here? Oh, well, I suppose we shall leave.
CARTHAGINIAN SENATE: YOU DID WHAT?
CARTHAGINIAN GENERAL: Wow, I really didn't expect to get crucified for that. *dies*
CARTHAGINIAN SENATE: BRING ON THE ELEPHANTS.
many elephants later
ROME: Okay, now we're angry.
SENATOR #2: BOATS. I TOLD YOU IT WOULD COME DOWN TO BOATS.
ROME: *builds quinqueremes*
ROME: See? That wasn't so hard, was it?
CARTHAGE: ...the Romans have boats. And they have -- things on them. What are those -- DO THESE PEOPLE NOT KNOW HOW TO FIGHT A PROPER NAVAL BATTLE? *is defeated*
ROME: We're on a BOAT.
ROME: *has multiple fleets sunk in bad weather*
ROME: Um. So. Let's go back to the land army thing.
CARTHAGE: ELEPHANTS.
ROME: So...that didn't go as well as planned. Uh, we invaded part of Africa?
twenty-four years in, on Sicily
CARTHAGE: Rome shall never try another fleet!
ROME: *lands a fleet*
CARTHAGE: ...whoops.