so, I'm graduating. I don't even have mixed feelings about this.

[bedlamsbard]

Ugh, I hate everything. Today was the Classical Studies department reception, which was...fun, I guess, there was good food and I got to see a lot of professors, but despite being a major I'm generally very dissociated from the department. I only know about half the profs, and only three or four of the other graduating majors and minors, so there was a lot of standing around awkwardly with my mother trying to get the attention of one of the profs I know to talk before we finally gave up and left.

Then there was Under the Oaks, which is the Newcomb College (Institute) ceremony, which was touching at the beginning and then led into, "Why are all these people so much more talented than I am, why did I waste my college career?" with the awards. (I...kind of hate graduation right now just because I feel like a failure.)

Then Wave Goodbye, which had a lot of food and, well, also led to me hating the entire world because my father and grandmother were late and there were a ton of people and really long lines.

I love my family, really I do, but I'm just super frustrated because -- I don't know, this is my fault, I move too fast and I get frustrated because they don't know what I'm doing or where I want to go and nobody listens to me, and this is my school and my town and they just don't get it and have I mentioned I HATE EVERYTHING? (Except my friends. I love my friends.) I -- really dislike having my life in New Orleans and my life back in Ellensburg intersecting. Because I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself, but the moment my family gets here it's like I'm being treated as incompetent and incapable of doing anything on my own, and when I do ask for help I feel like I'm being condescended to and that it's my fault. It's like -- it's like I'm just thinking or acting too fast, and when they can't keep up I get frustrated. Which is my fault, I know, but it doesn't make it any easier.

Also I'm -- actually not that pleased about graduating? I mean, I'm pleased about getting a degree, obviously, but on some level I still feel like I failed as an undergraduate because I had to give up on my thesis (so I'm not graduating magna or summa, though I'm still graduating cum laude), I feel like I didn't really accomplish anything academically or personally, that I basically wasted my undergraduate career for one reason or another. And I know, intellectually, that that's not true: I'm graduating with a double major in Medieval & Early Modern Studies and Classical Studies and a double minor in English and History, I'm graduating cum laude, I've been accepted to graduate school abroad and will be getting my MA next year, I can read Latin and Greek (sort of on that last), I'm trained as a historian and a literary scholar in three separate periods and in two different languages, and I can do a decent job at interpreting classical art. These are all impressive things and are, yeah, fairly decent accomplishments. But for various reasons, I still feel like I failed. I don't know if they feel this way, but even now I still feel like my department (Classics) didn't prepare me, I feel like they think I'm a failure as a classicist and I should have left the discipline. I feel like I should have made really different choices and if I'd made those choices, I would be happier and more fulfilled. I more or less had a nervous breakdown this year, for various definitions of the word, but I'm pretty sure I can comfortably say that I was an emotional wreck for my first semester, and because of that, I didn't write an honors thesis, I didn't apply to graduate programs in the U.S., and for those two reasons I may have severely impacted my future. (I mean, probably not, but it feels that way?)

And I'm not happy about graduating. I'm not happy about leaving New Orleans, I'm not happy about leaving Tulane, I'm not happy about leaving my friends, I'm not happy about leaving a place that's...well, mine. I don't like change: well, that isn't new. I really dislike people asking me how I feel: excited? No, terrified. And pissed off. And then they say I should be happy, and yeah, I probably should be, but I don't like people telling me what to do or how to feel? And I don't feel that way. I know I should, but I don't. I don't feel like I've accomplished anything that I should have: I don't feel like I've done anything right. And I don't want to go. I mean, fuck if I can do anything about it except try and come back as a graduate student, but that doesn't change how I feel now: terrified. Pissed off. Frustrated. Sad? I don't even know if I feel sad. Mostly just pissed off and scared and frustrated. And I'm pretty sure at least one of those is the wrong emotion to be feeling at this point in time.

So tomorrow is graduation, and then I'm spending one more night in the dorms before going back to Washington in the morning. I'm also supremely frustrated because I can't figure out whether or not my university is letting me bring my purse to the ceremony or not, because I don't have time tomorrow morning to give it to my parents and I can't figure out if I can just bring it with me. (I...think so? Because they say that you have to carry personal belongings with you throughout the day on one page, and on another they say you have to leave them with your guests or family.) And I'm just supremely frustrated, because I have one dress with pockets, but that was the one I wore today and I have one I bought specifically for graduation that I really want to wear. And...I think I'm just going to bring my purse. What are they going to do, take it away from me? Not let me out on the floor for the Unified Ceremony? (There's like a three-hour thing in the middle before we walk for actual commencement, where I'll be with my parents.)

Also the shoes that I was going to wear broke and I had to throw them away at Wave Goodbye. (I was also wearing them today, but they actually match my graduation dress, so I'm going to have to go with another pair of shoes, but at least those are more comfortable and walkable.)

In conclusion, I still hate everything and I've cried my eyes a really alarming shade of red.

ETA: The only really good things about graduating are (a) finally being able to check "4-year college degree" on online surveys instead of "some college" and (b) my Newcomb College Mignon Faget ring. (Which is annoying me slightly because it's a hair too big and because it displaced my grandmother's engagement ring. I'm trying to decide if it's okay to wear that ring on my left ring finger or not. To be fair, I'm pretty sure I'd be irritated by anything this week: it really is an awesome ring.)

Comments

[harpers_child]

i don't know what to say here but feel like i should say something. i read this? change is scary? you're feelings are totally real and don't let anyone tell you that you're feeling the wrong thing? i don't think my concepts are translating correctly into words tonight. hug?

[sara]

Hon: you do not have to have all the answers the week you graduate from college. Really. I promise. Things are going to sort out, over time, and chances are good you will wind up going in some interesting direction you haven't even imagined yet.

And I say this as someone who started dating my now-spouse two days before graduating from college, which was, believe me, High Drama Indeed. I mean, I pretty much wrote the book on college graduation drama. Looking back, I would have been a lot happier if I'd calmed the fuck down and maybe read a novel.

[bedlamsbard]

*hug* Thank you, hon. That means a lot.

[rthstewart]

Hang in there, OK? The whole thing with family still dealing with you as if you are back in grade school never, ever goes away, at least not completely. These big social gatherings have never been your strongest thing either. Try to enjoy what you can and take your mom to a place you've enjoyed during your years there. She'll like that. Again, congratulations. Change is hard but it's exciting too.

[autumnia]

Congratulations on graduating from college. :-) As for your feelings, they are entirely normal -- you've been in the same place and same routine for several years and now it's kind of an upheaval because things are changing again.

As for the whole feeling like a failure thing, well, I think we all feel that way one time or another. I ended up in a slightly more useful/practical major and yet it didn't help me that much as I moved into the working world. What I do now and what I learned are not the same at all and really, I'm wishing sometimes that I went to school to learn something I would have enjoyed (like you did) instead of sitting through four years of academia just to help me find gainful employment.

Just enjoy the next few days and then think of things as your next big adventure (and really, I am rather jealous you'll be hopping across the pond soon).

[snacky]

Well, first off, congratulations. Even with second guessing, it's still an achievement!

I know I was both excited and miserable about graduating from college, for many of the same reasons. I just didn't feel done with that place and time and those people. Some people just have a hard time with change, and I know I am one - and it's not easy to prepare for, especially when, like with you right now, you've been so focused on being there and what you do there.

You've got so much to look forward to. I hope that helps a little when thinking about it. *hugs*

[bedlamsbard]

Thanks, hon.

[bedlamsbard]

Thank you, hon.

[sara]

Also I SWEAR the weather was better in the PNW last week. Last week it was gorgeous. SO GORGEOUS.

My sister-in-law is here for a between-quarters visit and says she doesn't know how we can stand it when it gets like this.

[bedlamsbard]

I suspect the weather gets worse every time I come home from New Orleans or my dad comes back from Thailand. At least it's not snowing! *knock wood*

[sara]

Bite your tongue, it'll do it just to spite us.

I grew up in a desert during a drought, so I'm very happy here in the dear dank Northwest. But I can understand why someone who grew up here would like to be somewhere warmer (though my children complain hooooorrrrrribly about the heat when we take them to Los Angeles: "It's seventy-eight degrees outside, I am going to DIIIIIIIE! How can people liiiiiiiive like this?!?")

[bedlamsbard]

Thank you.

It's not really that I don't have a practical/useful major, it's just -- I didn't really accomplish the academic goals I set out for myself within that major, or even within my undergraduate career. (I am, for example, still fairly bitter that I never completed an honors thesis, even though it's over and done with now.)

[bedlamsbard]

As I've always been told, here it's not really summer until the Fourth of July! *stares out window*

Coming home, I am reminded that there was a reason I went to Louisiana in the first place: I never want to be cold again omg. (It doesn't help that my house is constantly freezing.)

[bedlamsbard]

Thank you, hon.

Change! One of my least favorite things in the world, just after eggs, cheese, and sandwiches! (Food quirks. I have them. Raw fish is made of noms, though.)

*hug*

[sara]

Hah. I never want to be overly warm again.

Overly warm meaning anywhere the temperature's above about 70 degrees.

We have the thing where we can all take our pants off and run around in the sunshine and frankly by September I usually feel like things have been Decadent Enough, thanks very much, it's time for some wool overgarments.

In Louisiana, I suspect that anyone using the words Decadent Enough in a sentence would be laughed at for an extended period of time. ;>

[bedlamsbard]

I would, right now, be quite happy to be gently enfolded into the welcoming 60% humidity and 89 F climate of May in New Orleans. *sadface* I have to learn how to wear significant amounts of clothes at once again. (Also, my Newcomb ring doesn't fit when it's this dry. *snarl*)

There is no such thing as too much decadence in Louisiana!