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bedlamsbardI will most definitely not be jumping on the Twilight bandwagon. It just pisses me off far too much.
1. The author's writing style makes me want to rip my eyeballs out.
2. Dialogue? Realistic dialogue? What crazy talk!
3. Dude. Nobody calls it Washington State, we call it Wazzu or WSU. (Well, at least on the east side of the Cascades we do. I don't know anyone who calls it just Washington State. I mean, even talking to an outsider we'd probably go, "Yeah, she went to Wazzu -- Washington State University, I mean.")
4. Oh yes. The main character: thinks she clumsy and ugly, has a Tragic Background, has never had a boyfriend, has all the boys in the school drooling after her within approximately five minutes of arriving at FHS BUT NEVER KNOWS IT, and angsts a lot about living in a small town in Western Washington. (Which is a pit. I know. I'm an East Sider. We don't like to talk about that side of the mountains.) Oh, and she's headstrong and isn't afraid of anything. Except needles!
5. The vampires make me want to put my eyeballs back in just so I can claw them out again. Oh, they're beautiful and lonely and angst a lot -- in fact, they're so beautiful they're dangerous. *claws at face*
6. The love interest can read everybody's mind but the main character's!
7. Oh my God, doomed love. *beats head into a wall*
8. The main character just smells great to everyone.
9. Now that she's in Washington, her number is up! Even the state itself wants to kill her! (Well, yes. Western Washington would make me want to die too. And people wonder why I want to go back east for college. Come east, Bella. We'd kill you, but it would be sunny.)
10. Oh my God, dialogue.
11. Oh my God, destiny. Which I can put up with when it's not as annoying as this. I'm in the Star Wars fandom, for God's sake. We know destiny and tragedy and dialogue and it's better than this.
12. That is not a small-town high school. I'm sorry. It's not. It might be if Forks was the size of, I don't know, Kittitas or Cle Elum-Roslyn or Thorp (KHS graduates 40 seniors, CER graduates around a dozen, Thorp graduates, like, five or something -- Ellensburg graduates just short of two hundred, usually), but it's stated that it's not and I'm sorry, but that is not a small-town high school.
13. Time passage? What time passage? That threw me out of the novel the most because I went, "Well, hell, I don't know when she's there and now I don't even know how much time -- two months? The hell it's been two months."
14. I will admit the thing about going to bigger towns to shop for dresses -- Tolo or Prom dresses around here -- is true. My people usually hit Yakima or Seattle; I usually hit the Internet.
15. I'm sorry, the vampires really make me want to hurt something, because they're frustrating and overdone and just so. Damn. Perfect.
16. "Bronze hair." Let's pause. "Bronze hair."
17. Oh, but they're good vampires. Eat animals, even. Screw that, I'm sick of the angsty vamps. Angel, Moonlight, now this? Hell no.
18. I rather like Jacob Black. Somehow I'm sure the author will give him a horrible life.
19. Bella Swan is not awesome. I'm sorry. She's pathetic, and a badly-executed walking cliche.
20. Dialogue DEATH.
*wide eyes* In case nobody guessed from the list, the dialogue was a big thing. I really, really need realistic dialogue, and that book did not deliver.
And besides. Stephanie Meyer set it on the Wet Side. I'm sorry, I mean the West Side. Hello, there are more places in Washington besides everything west of Seattle. Come east! Or actually, don't; keep your crappy writing set on the west side of the Cascades so all the good stuff happens over here in Central and Eastern Washington.
Verdict: while The Covenant made me want to write my punk teenage magic high school novel because it was awesome, Twilight makes me want to write my punk teenage magic high school novel to show Stephanie Meyer how we kick it on the right side of Washington, and how to do it without unnecessary angst, realistic characters, and oh my God dialogue that sounds like actual human beings are talking.
In other words, I'm done now. *prances off*
1. The author's writing style makes me want to rip my eyeballs out.
2. Dialogue? Realistic dialogue? What crazy talk!
3. Dude. Nobody calls it Washington State, we call it Wazzu or WSU. (Well, at least on the east side of the Cascades we do. I don't know anyone who calls it just Washington State. I mean, even talking to an outsider we'd probably go, "Yeah, she went to Wazzu -- Washington State University, I mean.")
4. Oh yes. The main character: thinks she clumsy and ugly, has a Tragic Background, has never had a boyfriend, has all the boys in the school drooling after her within approximately five minutes of arriving at FHS BUT NEVER KNOWS IT, and angsts a lot about living in a small town in Western Washington. (Which is a pit. I know. I'm an East Sider. We don't like to talk about that side of the mountains.) Oh, and she's headstrong and isn't afraid of anything. Except needles!
5. The vampires make me want to put my eyeballs back in just so I can claw them out again. Oh, they're beautiful and lonely and angst a lot -- in fact, they're so beautiful they're dangerous. *claws at face*
6. The love interest can read everybody's mind but the main character's!
7. Oh my God, doomed love. *beats head into a wall*
8. The main character just smells great to everyone.
9. Now that she's in Washington, her number is up! Even the state itself wants to kill her! (Well, yes. Western Washington would make me want to die too. And people wonder why I want to go back east for college. Come east, Bella. We'd kill you, but it would be sunny.)
10. Oh my God, dialogue.
11. Oh my God, destiny. Which I can put up with when it's not as annoying as this. I'm in the Star Wars fandom, for God's sake. We know destiny and tragedy and dialogue and it's better than this.
12. That is not a small-town high school. I'm sorry. It's not. It might be if Forks was the size of, I don't know, Kittitas or Cle Elum-Roslyn or Thorp (KHS graduates 40 seniors, CER graduates around a dozen, Thorp graduates, like, five or something -- Ellensburg graduates just short of two hundred, usually), but it's stated that it's not and I'm sorry, but that is not a small-town high school.
13. Time passage? What time passage? That threw me out of the novel the most because I went, "Well, hell, I don't know when she's there and now I don't even know how much time -- two months? The hell it's been two months."
14. I will admit the thing about going to bigger towns to shop for dresses -- Tolo or Prom dresses around here -- is true. My people usually hit Yakima or Seattle; I usually hit the Internet.
15. I'm sorry, the vampires really make me want to hurt something, because they're frustrating and overdone and just so. Damn. Perfect.
16. "Bronze hair." Let's pause. "Bronze hair."
17. Oh, but they're good vampires. Eat animals, even. Screw that, I'm sick of the angsty vamps. Angel, Moonlight, now this? Hell no.
18. I rather like Jacob Black. Somehow I'm sure the author will give him a horrible life.
19. Bella Swan is not awesome. I'm sorry. She's pathetic, and a badly-executed walking cliche.
20. Dialogue DEATH.
*wide eyes* In case nobody guessed from the list, the dialogue was a big thing. I really, really need realistic dialogue, and that book did not deliver.
And besides. Stephanie Meyer set it on the Wet Side. I'm sorry, I mean the West Side. Hello, there are more places in Washington besides everything west of Seattle. Come east! Or actually, don't; keep your crappy writing set on the west side of the Cascades so all the good stuff happens over here in Central and Eastern Washington.
Verdict: while The Covenant made me want to write my punk teenage magic high school novel because it was awesome, Twilight makes me want to write my punk teenage magic high school novel to show Stephanie Meyer how we kick it on the right side of Washington, and how to do it without unnecessary angst, realistic characters, and oh my God dialogue that sounds like actual human beings are talking.
In other words, I'm done now. *prances off*
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(no subject)
Date: 2007-10-04 06:17 am (UTC):D *loves the books DESPITE their faults*
(no subject)
Date: 2007-10-04 08:32 am (UTC)The best part of this is I'm still on the waiting list for it from my local library. And I'm still going to read it. In fact, I'm looking forward to it even more now. *G*
(no subject)
Date: 2007-10-04 11:19 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-10-04 11:24 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-10-04 11:51 pm (UTC)So I'm weird and a smug bitch. Good to know. *G*
(no subject)
Date: 2007-10-05 12:01 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-10-05 12:08 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-10-05 12:13 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-10-05 12:27 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-10-05 12:29 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-10-05 12:33 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-10-05 12:35 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-11-17 01:14 am (UTC)Obviously I haven't the Washington-State issues that you do. *G* Also, the dialogue didn't kill me as much. It was more the fact of it that irritated me. (OMG they're talking again! I just really wanted them to be, oh, beset by ninjas. ANYTHING.) And double-plus yes on the time passage WTF. ("Then it snowed for a bit and nothing went anywhere including the story.")
I liked Jacob Black too. I gather from bits I've seen in the fan community that he gets more involved. I'm not sure that's enough for me to get more involved.
Bronze hair? What about the TOPAZ EYES?
There had better be a really damn good explanation for why Bella's so fucking special - with the smelling good and the non-mind-ready and blah blah falling down whatever - but I really don't think I care enough to read on and find out what it is. It'll just be stupid and pathetic, if it even exists. I know this.
I liked Alice. I'd read a series about Alice. Maybe I could write my own sequel where Rosalie rips Bella's throat out, Edward goes off to sulk at the bottom of the Pacific and Alice goes on a roadtrip.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-11-17 02:10 am (UTC)There were topaz eyes? I must have blanked it out of my memory.
Washington is just a good place to put random creepy stuff. I mean, we have a lot of serial killers, too.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-11-17 06:24 am (UTC)weeksmonths ago it was garnet and now, because of the POWER of his EYEZ...*cough*
One day, I wanna write vampires in the Australian outback. Baking sun. Hot hot hot. No lace to be seen. Blood soaking into parched dust. It'd be awesome.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-11-17 08:45 am (UTC)That sounds awesome. (Hi, how 'bout vampires who actually burst into flame in sunlight? The Twilight vamps just get...prettier? Maybe I've read too much Buffy fic, but still.)