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bedlamsbardI will most definitely not be jumping on the Twilight bandwagon. It just pisses me off far too much.
1. The author's writing style makes me want to rip my eyeballs out.
2. Dialogue? Realistic dialogue? What crazy talk!
3. Dude. Nobody calls it Washington State, we call it Wazzu or WSU. (Well, at least on the east side of the Cascades we do. I don't know anyone who calls it just Washington State. I mean, even talking to an outsider we'd probably go, "Yeah, she went to Wazzu -- Washington State University, I mean.")
4. Oh yes. The main character: thinks she clumsy and ugly, has a Tragic Background, has never had a boyfriend, has all the boys in the school drooling after her within approximately five minutes of arriving at FHS BUT NEVER KNOWS IT, and angsts a lot about living in a small town in Western Washington. (Which is a pit. I know. I'm an East Sider. We don't like to talk about that side of the mountains.) Oh, and she's headstrong and isn't afraid of anything. Except needles!
5. The vampires make me want to put my eyeballs back in just so I can claw them out again. Oh, they're beautiful and lonely and angst a lot -- in fact, they're so beautiful they're dangerous. *claws at face*
6. The love interest can read everybody's mind but the main character's!
7. Oh my God, doomed love. *beats head into a wall*
8. The main character just smells great to everyone.
9. Now that she's in Washington, her number is up! Even the state itself wants to kill her! (Well, yes. Western Washington would make me want to die too. And people wonder why I want to go back east for college. Come east, Bella. We'd kill you, but it would be sunny.)
10. Oh my God, dialogue.
11. Oh my God, destiny. Which I can put up with when it's not as annoying as this. I'm in the Star Wars fandom, for God's sake. We know destiny and tragedy and dialogue and it's better than this.
12. That is not a small-town high school. I'm sorry. It's not. It might be if Forks was the size of, I don't know, Kittitas or Cle Elum-Roslyn or Thorp (KHS graduates 40 seniors, CER graduates around a dozen, Thorp graduates, like, five or something -- Ellensburg graduates just short of two hundred, usually), but it's stated that it's not and I'm sorry, but that is not a small-town high school.
13. Time passage? What time passage? That threw me out of the novel the most because I went, "Well, hell, I don't know when she's there and now I don't even know how much time -- two months? The hell it's been two months."
14. I will admit the thing about going to bigger towns to shop for dresses -- Tolo or Prom dresses around here -- is true. My people usually hit Yakima or Seattle; I usually hit the Internet.
15. I'm sorry, the vampires really make me want to hurt something, because they're frustrating and overdone and just so. Damn. Perfect.
16. "Bronze hair." Let's pause. "Bronze hair."
17. Oh, but they're good vampires. Eat animals, even. Screw that, I'm sick of the angsty vamps. Angel, Moonlight, now this? Hell no.
18. I rather like Jacob Black. Somehow I'm sure the author will give him a horrible life.
19. Bella Swan is not awesome. I'm sorry. She's pathetic, and a badly-executed walking cliche.
20. Dialogue DEATH.
*wide eyes* In case nobody guessed from the list, the dialogue was a big thing. I really, really need realistic dialogue, and that book did not deliver.
And besides. Stephanie Meyer set it on the Wet Side. I'm sorry, I mean the West Side. Hello, there are more places in Washington besides everything west of Seattle. Come east! Or actually, don't; keep your crappy writing set on the west side of the Cascades so all the good stuff happens over here in Central and Eastern Washington.
Verdict: while The Covenant made me want to write my punk teenage magic high school novel because it was awesome, Twilight makes me want to write my punk teenage magic high school novel to show Stephanie Meyer how we kick it on the right side of Washington, and how to do it without unnecessary angst, realistic characters, and oh my God dialogue that sounds like actual human beings are talking.
In other words, I'm done now. *prances off*
1. The author's writing style makes me want to rip my eyeballs out.
2. Dialogue? Realistic dialogue? What crazy talk!
3. Dude. Nobody calls it Washington State, we call it Wazzu or WSU. (Well, at least on the east side of the Cascades we do. I don't know anyone who calls it just Washington State. I mean, even talking to an outsider we'd probably go, "Yeah, she went to Wazzu -- Washington State University, I mean.")
4. Oh yes. The main character: thinks she clumsy and ugly, has a Tragic Background, has never had a boyfriend, has all the boys in the school drooling after her within approximately five minutes of arriving at FHS BUT NEVER KNOWS IT, and angsts a lot about living in a small town in Western Washington. (Which is a pit. I know. I'm an East Sider. We don't like to talk about that side of the mountains.) Oh, and she's headstrong and isn't afraid of anything. Except needles!
5. The vampires make me want to put my eyeballs back in just so I can claw them out again. Oh, they're beautiful and lonely and angst a lot -- in fact, they're so beautiful they're dangerous. *claws at face*
6. The love interest can read everybody's mind but the main character's!
7. Oh my God, doomed love. *beats head into a wall*
8. The main character just smells great to everyone.
9. Now that she's in Washington, her number is up! Even the state itself wants to kill her! (Well, yes. Western Washington would make me want to die too. And people wonder why I want to go back east for college. Come east, Bella. We'd kill you, but it would be sunny.)
10. Oh my God, dialogue.
11. Oh my God, destiny. Which I can put up with when it's not as annoying as this. I'm in the Star Wars fandom, for God's sake. We know destiny and tragedy and dialogue and it's better than this.
12. That is not a small-town high school. I'm sorry. It's not. It might be if Forks was the size of, I don't know, Kittitas or Cle Elum-Roslyn or Thorp (KHS graduates 40 seniors, CER graduates around a dozen, Thorp graduates, like, five or something -- Ellensburg graduates just short of two hundred, usually), but it's stated that it's not and I'm sorry, but that is not a small-town high school.
13. Time passage? What time passage? That threw me out of the novel the most because I went, "Well, hell, I don't know when she's there and now I don't even know how much time -- two months? The hell it's been two months."
14. I will admit the thing about going to bigger towns to shop for dresses -- Tolo or Prom dresses around here -- is true. My people usually hit Yakima or Seattle; I usually hit the Internet.
15. I'm sorry, the vampires really make me want to hurt something, because they're frustrating and overdone and just so. Damn. Perfect.
16. "Bronze hair." Let's pause. "Bronze hair."
17. Oh, but they're good vampires. Eat animals, even. Screw that, I'm sick of the angsty vamps. Angel, Moonlight, now this? Hell no.
18. I rather like Jacob Black. Somehow I'm sure the author will give him a horrible life.
19. Bella Swan is not awesome. I'm sorry. She's pathetic, and a badly-executed walking cliche.
20. Dialogue DEATH.
*wide eyes* In case nobody guessed from the list, the dialogue was a big thing. I really, really need realistic dialogue, and that book did not deliver.
And besides. Stephanie Meyer set it on the Wet Side. I'm sorry, I mean the West Side. Hello, there are more places in Washington besides everything west of Seattle. Come east! Or actually, don't; keep your crappy writing set on the west side of the Cascades so all the good stuff happens over here in Central and Eastern Washington.
Verdict: while The Covenant made me want to write my punk teenage magic high school novel because it was awesome, Twilight makes me want to write my punk teenage magic high school novel to show Stephanie Meyer how we kick it on the right side of Washington, and how to do it without unnecessary angst, realistic characters, and oh my God dialogue that sounds like actual human beings are talking.
In other words, I'm done now. *prances off*
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Date: 2007-10-05 12:13 am (UTC)(no subject)
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