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Mar. 13th, 2010 09:18 amAm operating in the same state of low-level panic that I spent most of junior year of high school in. Junior year of high school was, by the way, the year I did far more AP classes and music things than I should have, had a big blowout fight with a girl I still don't speak with, and also the year that I literally couldn't read anything new for fun; I spent the entire year rereading things, because I couldn't process new material that wasn't school-related. Like, it's kind of bizarre, I would pick up the new books that my favorite authors put out, but I couldn't read them. (What did come out that year (2006-07?)? Probably some Tamora Pierce and Mercedes Lackey, but I can't remember what else...) I just sort of collected them and stacked them up in a "to read when sane" pile and blew through them when the school year ended.
That's sort of how I feel right now. I'm making myself reread one of my favorite books right now, one of the books where I know everything that happens and I don't have to think about it, and just feels like the most decadent thing ever. It also helps, a little, with the panic that I won't get everything done; it doesn't help looking at the huge stack of books I have to read for my papers, or looking at my calendar, or the fucking grade I just got on my Art & Myth midterm. I'm jittery and nervous and angry at myself for not getting things done earlier in the semester and none of it helps; really little things are setting me off right now -- see the other day's criticism of books I liked on the page of someone who I don't even know. And I'm trying to slide that aside and say, "That doesn't matter, everyone's entitled to their own opinion, it's not a personal attack," but it's not quite that easy. It leaves me angry and pissed off and depressed and unable to concentrate on anything for at least a day...which is bad when it happens to occur on the morning of a midterm. (I have not gotten that grade back; I do not expect it to be good, thus: panicking, because that's going to be my only grade for the class so far, because I didn't do the first two papers and now I have to do the last two, and not fail the final, and it's for my major so I need the A.)
Interestingly, feeling jittery about school usually makes me want to take many more English classes, because it's significantly easier for me to analyze literature and write English papers than it is for me to do history papers.
*tries to breathe*
That's sort of how I feel right now. I'm making myself reread one of my favorite books right now, one of the books where I know everything that happens and I don't have to think about it, and just feels like the most decadent thing ever. It also helps, a little, with the panic that I won't get everything done; it doesn't help looking at the huge stack of books I have to read for my papers, or looking at my calendar, or the fucking grade I just got on my Art & Myth midterm. I'm jittery and nervous and angry at myself for not getting things done earlier in the semester and none of it helps; really little things are setting me off right now -- see the other day's criticism of books I liked on the page of someone who I don't even know. And I'm trying to slide that aside and say, "That doesn't matter, everyone's entitled to their own opinion, it's not a personal attack," but it's not quite that easy. It leaves me angry and pissed off and depressed and unable to concentrate on anything for at least a day...which is bad when it happens to occur on the morning of a midterm. (I have not gotten that grade back; I do not expect it to be good, thus: panicking, because that's going to be my only grade for the class so far, because I didn't do the first two papers and now I have to do the last two, and not fail the final, and it's for my major so I need the A.)
Interestingly, feeling jittery about school usually makes me want to take many more English classes, because it's significantly easier for me to analyze literature and write English papers than it is for me to do history papers.
*tries to breathe*