Jun. 6th, 2017

bedlamsbard: animals: a cougar standing on a tall rock (girlyb_icons) (a high place (girlyb_icons))
1. I've been incredibly tired the past few days (I want to say today is day 5 of Exhausted All The Time, Literally, All The Time, but it might be more), which might be due to my period, to the fact my mother's been gone and I've been doing all the household stuff since I got back from NOLA, to the probably-depression, to the definitely-anxiety and stress, to diet/exercise/etc. I don't know, it's just really annoying at this point, and I should figure out a way to change it.

2. My mother came back from Japan yesterday, so at least I don't have to do all the household stuff anymore. On the other hand, my stress level has now rocketed, because she's very...much a go-getter, I guess, unlike me or my dad. And it gets frustrating for me because she doesn't really give off the impression that she thinks I'm competent at anything, especially academic bureaucracy nonsense.

2a. Unless it's her academic bureaucracy nonsense, because guess who did literally all the paperwork so that she could get hired at CWU to teach Japanese this fall. LITERALLY ALL OF IT. She started swearing up and down that she wouldn't take the job (it was offered but she still had to do all the paperwork to apply) because she didn't want to do the paperwork, she wanted someone else to do it for her, and because it was all on the computer my father wouldn't do it, so I did it. (It was easy, by the way. A lot easier than applying to six graduate schools.)

3. I'm starting to get really stressed about moving to Atlanta in August -- I'm in talks with a potential roommate, but that's going slowly mostly because I hate answering e-mail and put it off for a few days every time, and I'm pretty sure that's making me come off as a complete flake. So nothing's certain on that point yet.

3a. I also looked at some of the apartment complexes listed in the "Welcome to Emory" booklet, because on the one hand I'd rather live alone, on the other it's obviously a lot more expensive. Plus I don't know where anything is, so trying to figure out where they are in relation to the Emory shuttle line (I don't have a car) is really difficult.

3b. I still have no idea how I am going to get my things to Atlanta. Driving a U-haul is pretty much out of the question, because (a) I've haven't driven on a highway since driver's ed in 2006, (b) I've never driven outside my small hometown, (c) I've never driven for more than about twenty minutes at a time (and I'm not even sure about that, see again, small town), and (d) my parents won't do it, either. I'm reminding myself that worst-case scenario, I leave most of my stuff here, box up some clothes and books to ship, take two suitcases, and buy everything else in Atlanta. I would rather not do that because I'm very attached to all my belongings and I've got a full complement of household stuff that I'd hate to have to re-buy, but it is also probably the most practical thing, since even re-buying everything is probably cheaper than transporting it cross-country. (I mean, my massive collection of Star Wars art is coming with me; I'd rather not buy another couple dozen frames since I just got most things framed, but... *hands*)

3c. I had a full-blown anxiety attack the other night about furniture. CHRIST, BEDLAM, IT'S FINE, THEY SELL FURNITURE IN ATLANTA, you'll probably be in a hotel the first couple days anyway. I haven't had an anxiety attack in a while (for me it feels different than a panic attack? and I'm not sure, like, an actual psychiatrist would class either that way, but whatever, it works in my head), but as usual it took me a while to figure out what was happening and once I did I was able to talk myself down. But it was scary because I haven't had that for a while because I've been busy crying over my ex and hating everything for the past six months; totally different kind of nervous breakdown.

4. At this point I'm just irritated with myself for still being fucked up over my ex. It's been six months, I should be over myself by now, she probably is.

4a. I offhandedly referred to my ex (with female pronouns) during dinner in a conversation about international shipping rates, my dad went bugeyed, and my mother almost fell over herself explaining that it was my ex-FRIEND, not a BOYfriend. And that's why I've determined not to actually come out to my parents unless I actually have a significant other, which frankly seems unlikely to ever occur. (Hilariously enough, I've tried in that subtle "I could get married to a woman now!" sort of way; they just don't register it. The only person who's ever registered it is my aunt.)

5. Finally set up my Emory account, which was a hassle because apparently I already had an Emory account from 2008 (I applied and got in, but didn't attend), so I had to call them, which, (a) I hate phone calls, and (b) there's a three hour time difference that I kept barely missing. And then, well -- Emory's online systems are, uh, kind of a mess? They've got some kind of dual authentication going on which requires the app to CALL ME (or message me, whatever) on my phone in order to log in on my computer WHOSE BRIGHT IDEA WAS THAT christ jesus.

5a. *hollow laughter* Apparently I have to take a language exam in August so I am frantically trying to brush up on the Latin I haven't touched in a year, though I should probably e-mail the profs to make sure Latin is acceptable. (I mean, I assume it is, I have to be competent in four languages and Latin's the only one I'm remotely comfortable with. My Greek and French are both Bad, and I don't have a fourth right now. It'll probably be German, ultimately (I took it in high school), though I think I'd rather do Italian since it's another Romance language. German's probably more useful, though, and I think more German scholars do my field.)

5b. Boy, it sure would be great if my father didn't constantly badmouth my academic specialty (imperialism and colonialism; I obviously deal primarily with both in the context of Rome) without seeming to realize he's doing so until I point it out. Both in the general context of their existence, and in a "lol academic theory, silly academics" sort of way, despite the fact that he's the one who told me I could never do anything but academia so I don't know why he's surprised that I am, in fact, an academic.

5c. My father is a hardline (though non-religious) Republican who keeps trying to tell me that I will "grow out" of being a Democrat, so being in this house is a constant tightrope of not trying to say anything remotely related to politics or current events, ever. (Neither of my parents has ever really registered that I actually am religious, just not in an easily identifiable manner.)

Gods, I'm tired.


bedlamsbard: star wars rebels: hera peering around a corner (Default)

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