hey.

[bedlamsbard]

On a scale of one to ten (or, if you prefer, from "everybody does it" to "LEAVE NOW"), how bad is it that every couple weeks, like clockwork, I'm thinking about transferring out of Tulane? Because I am. Again.

Comments

[lyamainu.livejournal.com]

About a four. It is fairly common, but it can also be a warning sign.

Wow... I feel helpful. :P

[bedlamsbard.livejournal.com]

No, it is helpful. Thank you.

[ineptshieldmaid.livejournal.com]

I was going to say the same thing- somewhere between four and six. Also everything limminel says down below.

[lassiterfics.livejournal.com]

i won't pick a number, but i lean heavily towards 'leave now'. some types of bullshit is more tolerable than others, and also the finaid package is awesome.
*hugz*

[bedlamsbard.livejournal.com]

I'm just starting to think that I made a stupid, rash decision on gut instinct and sheer irrascibility, but I don't -- anyway, Wellesley isn't my only option; I'm also still accepted at Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University, in Arizona, and I'm looking at William and Mary and Brown. Maybe Washington and Lee, too.

[lassiterfics.livejournal.com]

i hear good things about william & mary, and also that providence is awesome. i've never heard of the other two. aeronautical university sounds way badass!

[bedlamsbard.livejournal.com]

Providence is awesome; I was at Brown for four weeks last summer, creative writing program. ERAU's heavily into aeronautics; the program I'd be doing would be Global Security and Intelligence Studies, which is a field of interest, and it's something that has actual practical use in the real world. Washington and Lee's in VA, and I was looking at it last year before I decided I wanted to do AFROTC (yeah, that worked out), but they don't offer much financial aid for transfers.

[lassiterfics.livejournal.com]

so what's that, like, GIS stuff? GIS is big.

[bedlamsbard.livejournal.com]

It is like, "Help, help, the terrorists are attacking! But what do we do?"

I get their newsletter, or I did. They really did a wargame like that. *starry eyes*

[limmenel.livejournal.com]

If you're truly unhappy at school, then maybe you do need to transfer out. I transfered out of Iowa my first year, because I was so unhappy there. But make sure you're transfering for the right reasons. Sorry to sound brutal, but if you're thinking about transfering because you're not making friends and not slipping into social groups easily, then maybe that isn't the right reason to transfer, because the same situation is going to be in front of you no matter where you go. Something like that, you have to overcome yourself. If you don't like the school, or the program, or the campus, or whatever, then you should think about transfering, I think. In Iowa, despite being a dry campus, the university was known for having the third highest drinking rate of any US university, and I just didn't feel like I belonged there, that combined with the size of the city around me. But you just need to sit down and figure out why you want to change, if it's because of something you can change or something you can't.

All this to say, though, if you truly believe you'll be happier somewhere else, then go ahead and transfer. Don't look back in four years and regret having stayed there if it's going to make you miserable.

[sutlers.livejournal.com]

Yes, this.

[bedlamsbard.livejournal.com]

It's...a little bit of the campus, and a little bit of the school, and a little bit of the social group thing, and a little bit of the city and New Orleans in general thing. If I don't feel safe walking across campus the minute the sun goes down, even if it's only 5:30 in the evening, that's probably a bad sign.

I mean, there are things I really like about the school, and I'm not invested in -- or, well, involved in -- either of my programs yet. But -- I'm not sure I'm comfortable here. I'm not sure, and I don't know.

[limmenel.livejournal.com]

If you feel unsafe on your campus, if you don't mesh properly with the school, if you just dislike the city of New Orleans, then transfer. But don't expect to go to a new school and find all of your problems magically solved. They may be... you may find a campus with virtually no crime, in a city that you enjoy every aspect of, and find a ton of friends that you keep for the rest of your life. But you may get to the new school and find yourself missing the warm weather, hating the city and the people there, not finding a group to fit in with.

One option is this: apply to school to transfer. Decide which ones you think you'd be happy in, and fill out the applications. And then wait until March or April, when results come back, and see how you feel about the school and NO then. Because the next four or five months may change drastically, and you may find yourself perfectly at home at Tulane, but this way you do have an out if you need it.

[bedlamsbard.livejournal.com]

That's one of the reasons I'm hesitating; I don't want to put myself in the same or a worse situation. And the other reason is that I don't know if it's me or if it's Tulane or if it's New Orleans or if I've just completely lost my mind, because that's an option too.

[limmenel.livejournal.com]

Apply to transfer, then. But don't think of that application as an out, just as a possibility, a "just in case". If you're still this miserable come April, then you'll be able to make a decision more easily, with almost a full school year behind you, but if you choose not to transfer than you won't be commited to anything.

And then go look up the Tulane writing groups, go to the library (both university and city) and see if they have a book club or something, find a way to meet people who share interests with you. Talk to your RA about organizing a floor movie night or something, some way to meet people. I know it's scary, but you have to take one step at a time and actually try to make an effort.

[bedlamsbard.livejournal.com]

I'm just bad at talking to people, especially as a first time, and just...maybe it is just the losing my mind thing. There's a NaNo group, at least.

[limmenel.livejournal.com]

See if anyone in the NaNo group knows of any other groups for post-November?

Why don't you like talking to people, if you don't mind me asking?

[bedlamsbard.livejournal.com]

Which would probably work better if one of my friends hadn't set up the NaNo group in the first place. *sheepish* (I do have friends; I just don't have all that many and we don't see each other that often.)

It's not that I don't like talking to people, it's that I'm really bad at it. I just never know what to talk about, or when it's all right to speak -- if I'm in a group -- or if I'm infringing on someone or disturbing them in some way, or putting them out. I don't connect very easily; I don't hold on very much. Or something like that.

[limmenel.livejournal.com]

I know how you feel, not having a lot of friends around... I haven't made many in Chicago yet, and it is lonely. But I don't think you're as bad at talking to people as you think you are... don't be nervous! People expect to be interupted in a group, it's how groups are :D.

♥ I just hope everything works out for you, though, whatever you choose to do.

[bedlamsbard.livejournal.com]

The thing is...the thing is that I had a lot of friends in high school, but I didn't have a lot of close friends; I wasn't one of those people that hung out all the time outside of school, and I was more or less fine with that. But I saw them everyday, I talked to them everyday, and I just don't see people here, even the people who live in my hall. (Yeah, trust me to pick the most isolated dorm on campus, and then trust me to get a roommate who moves out so I get even less human contact than I got before.)

[lassiterfics.livejournal.com]

One option is this: apply to school to transfer. ... Because the next four or five months may change drastically, and you may find yourself perfectly at home at Tulane, but this way you do have an out if you need it.
This is an excellent suggestion. I agree whole-heartedly.

[mentalhygiene.livejournal.com]

If I don't feel safe walking across campus the minute the sun goes down, even if it's only 5:30 in the evening, that's probably a bad sign.

On the other hand, you do come from a relatively close-knit rural community and aren't -as you've said yourself- as comfortable in urban environments. There is a scale of that, too. How much of it is "I'm no longer in my comfort zone" --> "I genuinely feel unsafe because it is potentially unsafe".

[sutlers.livejournal.com]

As someone who completely fucked themselves mental-health wise sticking to a university for three years where I felt isolated (and isolated myself) from the rest of the student body due to irrational feelings of inferiority and social anxiety, culminating in a nervous breakdown and forced medical leave of absence, the only advice I can offer you is: take a good, hard look at your situation. Do you have a social and academic support structure built up that you can count on to see you through times that are tougher? If you don't, do you think you can find/create one? Do you want to stay, or do you genuinely think you would be better suited to another university? If you do switch schools (because of a perceived lack of support structure or other reason), will you be able to build a new support structure for yourself? What is your guarantee that the situation you are in now won't repeat itself? What are you going to do so the situation doesn't repeat itself?

Er, not to completely freak you out, or anything. (HI I AM A CREEPY RANDOM PERSON ON YOUR LJ) I mean, clearly you are nowhere near the situation I was in. But you shouldn't ever feel like you are trapped in a school that is going to have such a continuous negative impact on your thinking without any way to relieve it.

[bedlamsbard.livejournal.com]

I just...I don't know how much of it is me being a psycho and how much of it is the school and how much of it is me being at nearly the opposite end of the spectrum from everything I've ever known. I mean -- my school is pretty much the size of my hometown, and it's a city, and it's New Orleans, and I'm not comfortable here; I never wanted to live in a city. But -- I don't know, and I know things can and will probably change, and...and I just don't know.

And thank you very much.

[sutlers.livejournal.com]

You're totally right; things can change, but you really have to make a concentrated effort to make them change. Just waiting for stuff to get better doesn't do anyone any good. If you think that change is transferring to a new school where you're less of a fish out of water, go for it. If you think that change is staying where you are and I dunno, joining the bridge club or something, then do that. But whatever it is, it's on you. That doesn't mean you have to do it alone, or you can't ask for help, but you know. Inertia.

Man, feel free to tell me to gtfo with my awkward unsolicited advice anytime.

[bedlamsbard.livejournal.com]

My brain knows this, my lizard hindbrain does not, and my lizard hindbrain is more or less calling the shots right now. As it did when I turned down my $44K grant from Wellesley to come here instead. I just...I don't know.

Hey, the great thing about the internet is that everybody knows something.

[mentalhygiene.livejournal.com]

I would say it's relatively common. See how you feel towards Spring semester. It may just take you more time to adjust to the college vs. HS environment. Or, it may be that Tulane is not the place for you and you should transfer. I've known people who transferred two or three times before finding the right school.

[miss-beth-o.livejournal.com]

While I do agree with much of what everyone is saying--there is some smart, sensible advice here, and I love smart, sensible advice--I have to give a little reflection on my own story. I was in a similar situation, except I had financial aid at the school I was going to, and I liked the program, *and* I didn't know any better, so it never occured me to leave. College *is* very diferent from high school; I remember feeling like I had no friends because I didn't see them for eight hours of the day. I'm also not good at reaching out, calling people up to ask if they want to hang out, etc. But I will say this as well: I met three of my best friends in the world in my undergrad. One of them asked me to be maid of honor in her wedding last December. Another went on a study abroad with me to England, and the third has traveled twice from Ohio (where we're from) to visit me in Boston (where I live now), *and we went on a vacation to England together and are planning a trip to Italy for next May. None of these people are the ones I met freshman year. One I met in class my sophmore year, one at work in the campus writing center my junior year, and the third was one of my three sophmore-year roomates ( I had a campus apartment, and she's the only one of all my roommates over the course of four years that I still talk to.) I'm not just saying "Stay, stay, it'll get better" but I am saying "Think about how it *might* get better, and all the poeple you could meet" AS you consider how different and wonderful it could be to go somewhere else. Looking back, I recognize that I should have applied to more than one school (it's great that you have so many options!) and I should have considered transferring, and, yes, my life would have been different (maybe dramatically so) had I gone somewhere else, but I also came out with some great stuff, and I changed it up a lot later when I packed up and moved to Boston, *completely alone.* That was hard, but it was worth it, too. Have I stopped struggling with the whole social-akwardness/don't always reach out? No. Is it better? Yes. My regrets? Very small. More a sense of "wow, I could have had a totally different life, but . . . look at what I would have missed."

So, all the advice you've received here is sound. Fill out those applications and wait. Stretch yourself to find out as much about the campus and the city as possible. I waited too long to find all the good stuff at my undergrad. Allow youself to have realictic fantasies (does that make sense) about what it could be like somewhere else, but don't forget to have one about Tulane, as well.

And if you end up going to Brown, look me up. I'll show you around Boston while it's still light outside. (It gets wicked cold, here, btw. And dark really early. Just saying.)

[snacky]

Not that you need any more advice from well-meaning strangers, ;) but, one thing I'd say is definitely consider is the location and size of the school, based on what you've been saying. It sounds like Tulane may be too big for you, and not in an area you feel comfortable in.

Not saying you need a tiny school, but you might need something smaller, since it sounds like a lot of what you miss about high school is the familiarity and the comfortable feeling of knowing where you are, your routine, and the people you're with. You might be good in a big school, with a cohort of your major too - you'd get that built-in circle of friends and acquaintances.

I'd say definitely look into transferring though, because you sound a lot closer to "LEAVE NOW" than the other end of the scale. And if you end up at Wellesley or Brown, I'll buy you a coffee sometime. :D