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Nov. 4th, 2005 06:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bedlamsbardYou know what? I'm happy right now. My life is good. Like, really, really, really good. Not perfect, because that would be a little scary, but it's good.
And you know what else? It shouldn't be. I mean, seriously, it shouldn't. I'm a fifteen-year-old high school girl. We're supposed to spend all our time moping about one thing or another, whether it's our boyfriends or our grades, depending which end of the extreme you're on. And it's like...a lot of high school girls are - well, not exactly depressed, but just - not happy. You know? Like - I can't explain it unless you're in high school. All that dumb stuff, you know? Boys, grades, sports, just...life. And it's like - it's high school. You've only got four years of it, so you know what? Live it up. You're not going to get a second chance. That's why I asked Joey to Tolo. What do I have to lose? I have everything to gain, and you know what? He's a nice enough guy that even if he did say no, he probably wouldn't alienate me for it. Guys are people too, and I get this, unlike a lot of people I know. I think it comes out of writing them.
But all that little stuff - it's just that. Little stuff. Sure, it may seem important at the moment (it's high school. What doesn't?), but when it comes down to it, it's tiny. It doesn't mean anything in the grand scheme of things. And I know that I'm surprisingly well-adjusted compared to a lot of other people (my friend Ellora once gave me one of the best compliments I've ever had, which is that I won't change for anyone else), but still. I'm supposed to be the really badly adjusted one. I'm an only child. I went to a friggin' tiny elementery school, and I'm shy. I'm smart and I'm a band geek. And yet... I have hard classes. I'll admit it straight out. I have hard classes that I was probably pretty dumb to take and my grades in them probably aren't so hot. But I'm not obsessing over them. I can get my grades up in the next quarter, and I get it. I really, actually get it. There are people in both classes (Physics and Military History) that I'm comfortable carrying on a conversation with.
Last year, when I took Biology, you know how many sophomores looked at me and told me that it would screw me up forever, that my GPA would plummet like a rock, and that the class would generally make my year a living hell? Well, I got one of the highest grades in the class. I've never cared what other people think about me. I mean, I can't. I don't care what they think of me, as long as I'm fine with myself. And I am. I'm happy right now. Really, really happy. Sweatshirts came in today, and I did this all on my own. No one else helped. My letterman's jacket is in too, and hopefully it should arrive Monday or Tuesday. I did that on my own too - lettered in band, and with three lyres, too. I'm going to Tolo with Joey, and you know what? I asked him. I didn't get someone else to do it for me, I asked him. Straight out. And I'm comfortable talking to him. I play bari, and I'm good at it. I play in jazz band and in concert band, and the only person that could beat me on my instrument is Birkin. And I know I'm just as good as him. I play flute in orchestra and I'm learning piccolo. I play piano and I'm the oldest person in lessons. I'm doing three different pieces for Solo Ensemble and I like it. I like getting up there and showing off. I like seeing other band people. I like talking in front of people, and I like being the center of attention. I'm President of Creative Writing Club, and dang it, we'll do something this year. I'm doing NaNoWriMo and even though I'm behind, I'm confident I can make it up. I'm happy. My life is really, really good right now.
And it's like - last year, I was - not like, serially depressed, but just sort of melancholy, go with the flow type. This year, it's - it just is. Everything's working. And...I'm keep feeling like it shouldn't be.
And you know what else? It shouldn't be. I mean, seriously, it shouldn't. I'm a fifteen-year-old high school girl. We're supposed to spend all our time moping about one thing or another, whether it's our boyfriends or our grades, depending which end of the extreme you're on. And it's like...a lot of high school girls are - well, not exactly depressed, but just - not happy. You know? Like - I can't explain it unless you're in high school. All that dumb stuff, you know? Boys, grades, sports, just...life. And it's like - it's high school. You've only got four years of it, so you know what? Live it up. You're not going to get a second chance. That's why I asked Joey to Tolo. What do I have to lose? I have everything to gain, and you know what? He's a nice enough guy that even if he did say no, he probably wouldn't alienate me for it. Guys are people too, and I get this, unlike a lot of people I know. I think it comes out of writing them.
But all that little stuff - it's just that. Little stuff. Sure, it may seem important at the moment (it's high school. What doesn't?), but when it comes down to it, it's tiny. It doesn't mean anything in the grand scheme of things. And I know that I'm surprisingly well-adjusted compared to a lot of other people (my friend Ellora once gave me one of the best compliments I've ever had, which is that I won't change for anyone else), but still. I'm supposed to be the really badly adjusted one. I'm an only child. I went to a friggin' tiny elementery school, and I'm shy. I'm smart and I'm a band geek. And yet... I have hard classes. I'll admit it straight out. I have hard classes that I was probably pretty dumb to take and my grades in them probably aren't so hot. But I'm not obsessing over them. I can get my grades up in the next quarter, and I get it. I really, actually get it. There are people in both classes (Physics and Military History) that I'm comfortable carrying on a conversation with.
Last year, when I took Biology, you know how many sophomores looked at me and told me that it would screw me up forever, that my GPA would plummet like a rock, and that the class would generally make my year a living hell? Well, I got one of the highest grades in the class. I've never cared what other people think about me. I mean, I can't. I don't care what they think of me, as long as I'm fine with myself. And I am. I'm happy right now. Really, really happy. Sweatshirts came in today, and I did this all on my own. No one else helped. My letterman's jacket is in too, and hopefully it should arrive Monday or Tuesday. I did that on my own too - lettered in band, and with three lyres, too. I'm going to Tolo with Joey, and you know what? I asked him. I didn't get someone else to do it for me, I asked him. Straight out. And I'm comfortable talking to him. I play bari, and I'm good at it. I play in jazz band and in concert band, and the only person that could beat me on my instrument is Birkin. And I know I'm just as good as him. I play flute in orchestra and I'm learning piccolo. I play piano and I'm the oldest person in lessons. I'm doing three different pieces for Solo Ensemble and I like it. I like getting up there and showing off. I like seeing other band people. I like talking in front of people, and I like being the center of attention. I'm President of Creative Writing Club, and dang it, we'll do something this year. I'm doing NaNoWriMo and even though I'm behind, I'm confident I can make it up. I'm happy. My life is really, really good right now.
And it's like - last year, I was - not like, serially depressed, but just sort of melancholy, go with the flow type. This year, it's - it just is. Everything's working. And...I'm keep feeling like it shouldn't be.