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bedlamsbardOh my God, guys, Spartacus: Blood and Sand is terrible. Although the second episode (yes, I lasted into the second episode!) is not as bad as the first, mostly because Spartacus has cut his hair and there is much more of Batiatus and Lucretia, a.k.a. motherfucking JOHN HANNAH and LUCY LAWLESS. When they are onscreen, this show almost looks decent.
John Hannah makes an excellent conniving Roman, by the way. And Lucy Lawless is an excellent redheaded conniving Roman. I would be so much happier if this show was just about them making a great conniving Roman couple together. Yes? Yes.
Anyway, I snarked through the first two episodes
This is *terrible*. *cannot stop watching* "The nights grow cold. What am I supposed to do without you in my bed?"
Ah, snowy Southern Greece! HAVE THESE PEOPLE EVER BEEN TO GREECE?
...and now I earnestly want to apologize to the Roman Army for their crappy portrayal. They are the Roman Army! They are amazing!
Greeks calling Romans "boy-lovers" is a little like the pot calling the kettle black.
Yes, I often pick fruit in the snow. And you?
Okay, the wife wins times a million for being more badass than her husband, the MC.
How far away was she picking fruit by herself in snowy southern Greece while the barbarians invade?
Ah, here come the softcore porn scenes on Spartacus. THIS IS UNNECESSARY.
And now we have some gratuitous naked women writhing in pools of water (from Rome, apparently.)
LUCY LAWLESS. And John Hannah! ...wow, that was actually, like, a decent moment.
"That man has fingers in all the proper assholes. He wiggles them and everyone shits gold."
God, this would not be quite so bad if the *action* wasn't so terrible. Also, it's ridiculous with the spewing blood. Unncessary!
Oh, gods, *why* am I watching episode two?
!!! That's where I know John Hannah from! The Mummy! I love those movies. Lucy Lawless and John Hannah, screw the main character. Wait...
I find naked men completely unappealing. PLEASE PUT ON PANTS.
Or togas. Since this is the Roman Empire. (Or possibly the Roman Republic?)
And now for some completely unnecessary dramatic music and flashbacks.
I like the cocky Gaul. Mostly because he's beating the shit out of Spartacus.
Huh. The second episode isn't as bad as the first, thank the gods.
There go two hours of my life I can *never get back*.
I did not snark as much through the latter half of the second episode. I could have. I restrained myself. Of course, there was considerably more of John Hannah and Lucy Lawless, who I would quite like to keep. Can we get rid of the main character, please? I don't know if I have the strength of will to deal with any more of this AT ALL.
Excuse me. I have to go recapture my brain cells. They appear to have escaped me...
John Hannah makes an excellent conniving Roman, by the way. And Lucy Lawless is an excellent redheaded conniving Roman. I would be so much happier if this show was just about them making a great conniving Roman couple together. Yes? Yes.
Anyway, I snarked through the first two episodes
This is *terrible*. *cannot stop watching* "The nights grow cold. What am I supposed to do without you in my bed?"
Ah, snowy Southern Greece! HAVE THESE PEOPLE EVER BEEN TO GREECE?
...and now I earnestly want to apologize to the Roman Army for their crappy portrayal. They are the Roman Army! They are amazing!
Greeks calling Romans "boy-lovers" is a little like the pot calling the kettle black.
Yes, I often pick fruit in the snow. And you?
Okay, the wife wins times a million for being more badass than her husband, the MC.
How far away was she picking fruit by herself in snowy southern Greece while the barbarians invade?
Ah, here come the softcore porn scenes on Spartacus. THIS IS UNNECESSARY.
And now we have some gratuitous naked women writhing in pools of water (from Rome, apparently.)
LUCY LAWLESS. And John Hannah! ...wow, that was actually, like, a decent moment.
"That man has fingers in all the proper assholes. He wiggles them and everyone shits gold."
God, this would not be quite so bad if the *action* wasn't so terrible. Also, it's ridiculous with the spewing blood. Unncessary!
Oh, gods, *why* am I watching episode two?
!!! That's where I know John Hannah from! The Mummy! I love those movies. Lucy Lawless and John Hannah, screw the main character. Wait...
I find naked men completely unappealing. PLEASE PUT ON PANTS.
Or togas. Since this is the Roman Empire. (Or possibly the Roman Republic?)
And now for some completely unnecessary dramatic music and flashbacks.
I like the cocky Gaul. Mostly because he's beating the shit out of Spartacus.
Huh. The second episode isn't as bad as the first, thank the gods.
There go two hours of my life I can *never get back*.
I did not snark as much through the latter half of the second episode. I could have. I restrained myself. Of course, there was considerably more of John Hannah and Lucy Lawless, who I would quite like to keep. Can we get rid of the main character, please? I don't know if I have the strength of will to deal with any more of this AT ALL.
Excuse me. I have to go recapture my brain cells. They appear to have escaped me...