...you know, looking at this list, I am a fucking basketcase

[bedlamsbard]

You know, for a day or two there, I wasn't insanely anxious. That was a good couple of days. Today I'm back to throat-closing anxiety, though, this is fun. I was really hoping not to be incredibly stressed out during summer, which, you know, would make sense? Because I don't have school gnawing at my head every waking minute of every day? But apparently not. I may not be worrying about whether I'm going to flunk all my classes, but I'm still worried about:

cooking dinner tonight
money
running out of yarn
books (gods alone know why, Christ Jesus, Bed)
whether I accidentally killed the eggplants and herbs (although the collards and the kale look fine; everything's still green, but the parsley looks a little strained around the edges and the eggplant looks slightly nibbled on)
whether I did something really stupid by putting stuff on Etsy and getting a Paypal account and so on and so forth
paying for CWU (even though this is coming from my parents)
getting into grad school
not getting into grad school (as a reminder: I just finished up my freaking SOPHOMORE YEAR of university)
The Novel
Dust
miscellaneous other fanfic
the latest fandom wank kerfuffle
not getting enough exercise
not baking enough
baking too much
whether or not I'm going to have to have my ears water-pistoled again
whether I'm still grinding my teeth; the lockjaw has gone down but is still present
whether the water pressure is suddenly going to conk out again when I'm in the shower
liking books that I should not like
still liking authors that fandom says I should not like
the fact that writing this list has me in tears
my mother (who is in Japan)
whether CBS finished up their season and no one told me (wtf, Bed)
what the fuck I'm going to do with my life if I can't get into grad school
why I still have no significant ability to write original short stories
the fact that I'm anxious in the first place
what if the chicken I'm defrosting doesn't finish defrosting in time for me to grill it and shove it in the fettuccini alfredo we;re having for dinner
what if I really can't make chocolate chip cookies
need to send money and cookies to New York
not having a job
not wanting a job
not really seeing the point of getting a summer job
going to the high school before graduation
not going to the high school before graduation
going to the high school at all
what other herbs we should plant this summer
what if we don't get any fruit from the fruit trees
what if Latin gets cancelled
what if Latin doesn't get cancelled
should I take a PE class this summer?
Christianity
the lack thereof
just how pagan am I, anyway? is it the kind of pagan that is going to get recognized by other pagans, or are am I going to get kicked out of the club?
the oil spill
politics
why can't I take good pictures
what if VotDT is horrible
OH GOD I FORGOT TO BAKE BREAD FUCK FUCK FUCK
what if one of my shows gets cancelled? WHAT IF ALL MY SHOWS GET CANCELLED?
am I too picky of a reader?
what if I never read another new book again?
should I have pushed through with AFROTC? should I try and do ROTC now?
why do I feel horribly guilty for not having joined the military?
what if my Narnia characterization is not close enough to canon?
I really wish I hadn't done the Narnia-as-sentient stuff
why are there approximately one billion times more comments on that Peter and Edmund snark ficlet than there are on the latest chapter of Dust? do people not care about Dust or are they waiting for the WIP to finish?
what if I never finish Dust?
why do I really hate endings of nearly everything?
what if I don't get along with my new suitemates next semester?
what if Texas hates me?
am I a horrible roommate?
what if I run out of tea? (unlikely)
what if I run out of Japanese tea? (possible, but see again, Mom coming back from Japan)
what if the feds come after me for torrenting things?
where the fuck is the CD that goes with my camera?
why the hell am I worried about all this shit?

*looks up* Well. That list would explain the anxiety, though not really why the fuck I care. I have to go make dinner now.

ETA: Because I just thought of about five other things that I worry about. (For the record: dinner turned out fine, fettuccini alfredo with chicken, hopefully I have not given myself salmonella.)

wtf is wrong with my computer, omg
I really need a new computer (it is no longer freezing, but the touchpad is unreliable and the CD drive likes to pop out at odd moments)
I cannot afford a new computer
why can I not fry bacon to the perfect crispness
why is the bacon I fry not as flavorful as the bacon my mother fries or that the school has, when it has good bacon at all
WHAT IF THE BIRDS COME AFTER ME
where are the cats?
half to ninety percent of the things that happen in fandom
am I still a participating member of fandom even if I no longer read (most) fic? what if I am strictly monofannish and my fandom is tiny, but not teetiny, and half of it is opposed to what I write on principle?
I really want to change that bit in Dust 1 but I'm not sure what to change it to
no, seriously, what is the recipe to La Madeline's creamy pesto pasta with chicken? That Fresco's also has? why can I not find a similar recipe online? IT IS PESTO AND CREAM SAUCE AND PASTA WITH CHICKEN, is my google-fu that bad or am I really just that incompetent?
what if I can no longer knit with anything about sport-weight yarn, what shall I do with all the Noro Kureyon I have?
why are my politics so messed up? why can I not just choose Republican or Democrat?
what if I reread HP and absolutely hate it?
why am I still living out of a suitcase? what should I do with all the clothes in my dresser that I no longer wear?
am I actually allergic/sensitive to most dryer sheets?
I should wash my sheets
I should probably be more freaked out about being the most likely person I know to never ever get in a relationship, ever
if I am queer, how the fuck do I come out to my parents? how do I know?
huh, I'm not on the bad Asian kick this week, but give it another couple of days and it will come back around
should I get a work-study job this fall? but I already proved it stresses me out too much to take classes AND work at the same time, but it seems like everyone else can do it, why can't I? is my work ethic that bad or am I really that pathetic? but how will I pay for my yarn?
what if my identity gets stolen off Paypal and all the money I have for college gets stolen?
am I the only person in Latin 151?
what if I can't learn Greek in time to get into grad school?
should I be an English major? or a history major? should I try for the triple?
why does the other brand of parmesan cheese taste different than the previous brand? I think I liked the previous brand better
I should also wash the towels
what if I accidentally spread salmonella all over the kitchen, despite lots of washing?
cilantro, I need to buy and plant cilantro
also I need to buy flour, except then I feel bad for going through 10 lbs of flour in, like, a week, but then again I bake bread every day to every other day
sourdough starter, I really want to try that
I do want to learn to spin, but money
but I really don't see the point of getting a summer job
I can't even really get a summer job because of my class schedule, the fact I live in the country not w/in walking distance of town, and the car situation
but I am worrying about it anyway
I really don't want to get my ears water-pistoled again, but they feel like I have to, is there any equivalent I can do on my own (for earwax build-up?)
what if I drowned the herbs that are downstairs?
I seriously do not understand why I am freaking out so much about yarn, I have a lot of it and I just bought more
driving
why my cell phone will hold a charge in New Orleans but not in Ellensburg
can one freeze English-style scones?
flying, not because I'm afraid of heights because what if the plane crashes?
why can't I find a purse with the exact specifications I want
what if I never get kissed? or laid?
seriously, why do I have this many issues?
why is it so much harder for me to get out of my head than it has been in the past?

*pause* Things that do not freak me out that have been with me for so long I am fine with them, though I am aware that they probably should freak me out:

I enjoy doing dishes, laundry, cooking, baking, and knitting
I do not eat either cheese nor eggs on their own, nor do I eat sandwiches
I am probably the least likely person I know to ever get in a relationship, ever
I kind of hate other people a lot of the time
writing makes me happy, and rereading my own writing makes me happy, and if it doesn't make me happy, then I've done something wrong
I really enjoy military history and food history
I have no particular interest in drinking alcohol

Um. The contrast in length between these two lists is kind of upsetting.

Comments

[highlyeccentric]

*stares at the list*

*reads the list aloud to kayloulee*

This makes me feel so much BETTER about everything, Bedlam! I appreciate this list, with all its eclectic combinations of topics for concern.

I propose a simple solution to one of these topics:

what if the chicken I'm defrosting doesn't finish defrosting in time for me to grill it

Microwave it! Or, in the absence of a microwave, chuck it in a plastic bag in a bowl of hot water. :)

[bedlamsbard]

*blinks* I will take that as a good sign?

The chicken defrosted in time! It wasn't much chicken, so there wasn't much to worry about. (I was using the plastic bag in cold water method.)

[highlyeccentric]

Well, given just how much time K and I (but mostly K) spend worrying about ridiculous stuff, consider your list a community service for distracting us :D

[bedlamsbard]

Oh, good. *grins* Worrying about ridiculous stuff is -- par for the course, I think. I don't know. Some of it doesn't seem ridiculous at the time.

[snacky]

Oh honey, just reading that list made ME anxious.

Here's a chocolate chip cookie recipe that made me think of you:

http://www.pickycook.com/dessert/oatmealchocolatechipcookies.aspx

[bedlamsbard]

Thank you for the recipe!

On the bright side, at least I provide good practice for my roommate -- well, we both have singles next year, so suitemate as of August -- who is a psych major and wants to be a practicing shrink? Although she is in Texas right now, so perhaps not so much at the moment.

[harpers_child]

take a deep breath. let it out. keep doing that for a while. one two three. one two three. as long as you keep breathing, everything else will work out.

things to look at that may be affecting your anxiety: are you getting enough sleep? are you getting enough sun? are you eating enough fruits and vegetables? are you getting any exercise?
i have problems with the sun/exercise thing so i make myself go for walks outside at least twice a week. if you have trouble getting to sleep you might want to learn some breathing techniques to help relax you.

keep breathing.

[bedlamsbard]

I am pretty sure I should be spending more time outside, because I was both outside a lot more and walking a lot more in New Orleans than I am here. (On the other hand, there is a reason for this: New Orleans has sidewalks. I live out in the country. There are no sidewalks. There are somewhat aggressive sheepdogs, and also sheep, though not in the road. Also cows and horses, but they aren't very aggressive.)

The sleep thing is -- a possibility. I have never been one of those people that falls asleep the moment their head hits the pillow, I am more along the lines of having to force my brain to think about something, anything, that I have to focus on fully. (Fun fact: I cannot sleep with a ticking clock in the room. Figuring that out was fun.)

[harpers_child]

you could break up the exercise and sunlight parts. do situps or jumping jacks or stretches inside and then go outside to read a book.

the sleep thing is something i struggle with. if i don't keep up my routine i just stare at the ceiling for hours. i use taking off my glasses/taking out my contacts as a signal to my brain that it's time to get ready for bed.

[bedlamsbard]

BUT THEN THE BIRDS WILL COME FOR ME. (Let me tell you about inconvenient phobias. *shakes head*) I think the crazy bird that used to chase me up and down the hill by my house is gone now, so perhaps I will try and take up walking the four-mile loop my house is on again, or try and get to the park every day. (It has a pretty nice walking trail.)

[autumnia]

Going to echo what everyone else has told you and don't stress too much! Take a deep breath and just know that things will work out.

- English-style scones should be freezable; I don't see why they wouldn't be. Stick them in the oven to reheat and they should be fine. If not, slather generously with jam and clotted cream and that should cover up anything wrong with them.

- As for Food History... have you ever checked out "Heston's Feasts"? It's a UK show but the owner of the famed Fat Duck restaurant goes and researches through old cookery books and tries to recreate historical feasts. First season included: Medieval, Tudor, Roman and Victorian. It's highly entertaining, informative and probably totally inappropriate (at least some of the shows) for American tv.

[bedlamsbard]

I keep telling myself that! Intellectually, I know that. The lizard hindbrain part of me...does not, so much. (The lizard hindbrain part of me is probably more evolved than it should be, I am pretty sure lizards do not worry about this shit.)

That's good to know! The recipe I have (from Nigella Lawson) says eat immediately, and, well, I can't eat that many scones immediately. But I do want to try the recipe.

Oooh, I've never heard of that! I shall look it up. Food history: fun times, fun times. (Note to self: do up rec post?)

[autumnia]

My sister actually made the Nigella recipe for me, and I think it should be perfectly fine in the freezer. I couldn't eat them all at once and they sat in my fridge for quite some time before they were all eaten. :-)

Here's the Youtube channel for "Heston's Feasts". I'm sure the full episodes can be found elsewhere on Youtube or other sites. The Victorian episode was more of a Mad Hatter's Tea Party, but I'm sure the Medieval and Tudor ones would be useful for fic writing (real Butterbeer! Blackbirds baked in a pie!).

Some of the recipes can also be found on the Official Site, if you want to try them for yourself. :-)

[bedlamsbard]

Yay! I have issues with some of Nigella's recipes because I'm reasonably certain the measurements were translated from UK to American and so they're a little...odd, sometimes, but I have had one major win out of the book so far, even if I keep screwing with the recipe to make it easier for me to deal with.

Thank you! (Blackbirds baked in a pie must be the most terrifying thing I can think of. Ornithophobia: I has it. Not only inconvenient, but people don't take it seriously and find it amusing. BIRDS ARE NOT AMUSING. They are terrifying!)

[alyndra]

I think maybe people comment more on one-shots because it's easy- here's the whole thing, drop a line or two, done. Whereas there's maybe some weird sense that a comment on a long epic work has to be worthy of that work: it would be weird to comment on something you'd spent days or months on saying just that you liked the description of shoes. (Not a real example.) So people being people, in aggregate they tend towards the thing that's less effort. I dunno if that helps, I just got interested in analyzing...

Also for spinning, I taught myself to spin on a drop spindle: cheap, portable, and unlikely to be difficult to keep up with supplying fiber for. Hard to go back to once you've spent any time on a spinning wheel (so much faster!), but there's something to be said for its simplicity, and it's good to learn on. I'm sure you could even make one if you felt inspired to.

[bedlamsbard]

*nods* Yeah, that makes sense. Intellectually, I am aware of that, but I freak out anyway because...I freak out very easily, and fandom's sort of set up along the lines of your self-worth being measured in feedback. (Again, intellectually I know it isn't, but...you know, it's the Internet, etc.)

*nods* I was looking at Respect the Spindle in Borders a couple of months ago, and I am very intrigued by the whole thing! Plus, I like learning archaic DIY stuff.