I did not realize that arranged marriage was still a Thing in modern Japan, omg

[bedlamsbard]

In a moment of, "...whoa," my mother has returned from Japan. That is not the "...whoa." The "...whoa" comes in with the news that my grandfather and uncle were apparently seriously considering omiai for my cousin Ami, before my mother arrived, heard about this, and went, "NO GOOD LORD NO END THIS IMMEDIATELY." Then Ami arrived, freaked out, and was informed that she had been spared by mother, which apparently resulted in copious, "Thank you, Auntie Mariko!"

My grandfather and my uncle, who are both rather traditional Japanese men, are apparently quite concerned about Ami. Less concerned about my other cousin Maya, but Maya has A Plan and is also a LPN, while Ami is working towards getting her degree in accounting in New York. They worry about what Ami is doing with her life, if she's living comfortably, if she's taken up with Bad (a.k.a. Black) Men. (Some days, I am surprised that my mother was not disinherited for marrying a white guy, but then again, she is the darling only daughter of the family.) So somehow they got to talking with another family of Good Name, which was suddenly really interested in getting their son together with Ami. They pulled out the genealogy charts and everything. (Since my mother's family is a samurai family, apparently we are much in demand? Or something.) Ami was apparently extremely displeased when she heard about this, as despite being born in Japan, Ami (and Maya) has spent most of her life living in America; they went to boarding school in Hawaii and both went to or currently attend American universities.

Some days, I am very glad that I am the crazy half-Caucasian American cousin that no one (please gods) is going to try and marry off.

Comments

[sara]

You know, I always thought it would be deeply weird, arranged marriage, but then while I was pregnant with my daughter I was seeing the same obstetrician as a woman who was in an arranged marriage (she was from an east Indian family, and so was he) and we spent several months sitting in the waiting room chatting, and she said that actually, it worked out v. well for her.

Which I can see, honestly, because families not getting along with each other can be hugely problematic for a marriage -- not that I have ever had any issues in that department. *cough* Nope. Not a one. A marriage setup that spared a couple those sorts of problems by making sure the families are, well, willing to be on speaking terms with each other *coughs harder* has a lot of advantages, if you and the fellow are compatible (which is a pretty big "if").

[bedlamsbard]

Yeah, in theory I don't have anything against arranged marriages, so long as everyone's willing and there's not going to be massive trauma involved because of, I don't know, Romeo and Juliet type things.

Considering my mother's family's reactions to my cousins' current or former boyfriends, they probably think an arranged marriage is the lesser of several evils. (My cousins tend to date African-American men, which the family is adamantly opposed to, and have in fact been informed that if they get married to black men, they are not allowed to bring their husbands or their children back to Shizuoka. And my cousins don't understand it at all, because it's so opposed to American cultural...standards? It really makes me wonder sometimes what the family reaction was to my mother taking up with my father, although he's white, so I guess that's more acceptable in Japan?)

[sara]

Yeah, in this specific case it sounds like an utterly bad plan. And I don't think that my parents would have necessarily found me someone I would have been willing to marry, because when I was ready to get married, their priorities and mine were really different.

But I can see that there are advantages, particularly if someone hasn't met someone they want to marry on their own, and like I say, I've been married for almost 12 years and family tensions have been a HUGE source of stress in my relationship. Which I think is true for a lot of people in "western" marriages/partnerships.

I think you maybe don't want to know what they thought about your parents' relationship. Some things a person is really better off not asking about.

[highlyeccentric]

Oh, wow. Your poor cousin! Not that I think arranged marriages/introductions are necessarily all evil, but I'm sure they work best if the parties involved actually *want* to be set up...

[bedlamsbard]

Yeah...I mean, I'm not opposed to arranged marriage in theory, but to think about it objectively I have to take off my distressed feminist and family member hat and put on my storyteller and historian hat, so it sort of makes sense? On the genealogy side? And my cousin's twenty-five or twenty-six, and of the two daughters, she's the flakier one, so they're worried about her? But she really has a much more American/Western than Japanese cultural mindset, so her reaction of ARE YOU KIDDING ME makes sense for her, though maybe not for my uncle and grandfather. The patriarchy is sort of staggering.

I am poking at the whole business, thoughtfully, though most of what I know about omiai I'm getting off Wikipedia. (I'm not sure how much such things are still considered in Japan, but it even makes sense on the social scale, because the samurai are still the highest social class in Japan, and of the family daughters, my mother's omiai arrangement did not work out at all -- apparently you have to pay back your own dowry, so she did that when she was my age or so? -- and Maya's almost independent and happily ensconced in America, and then there's Ami, and I really do not think I am socially acceptable, since I'm half-white, American, and don't speak Japanese.) It's -- interesting to think about.

[rymenhild]

It's fascinating to me how the details of the omiai form of arranged marriage (at least as expressed on Wikipedia) look almost identical to the kinds of arranged marriages happening in some corners of Orthodox Judaism today. Parental introductions, check. Families judging opposing families on virtue, religion and financial status, check. Liaisons and intermediaries, check.

I'm Jewish, but not Orthodox. I know about Orthodox arranged marriages courtesy of my girlfriend, who spends a lot of time trying to duck when family and friends of family suggest boys for shidduch dating. (She can't openly announce she's already dating me, although her family knows and prefers to forget, because she'll jeopardize her siblings' chances on the marriage market!)

(They probably wouldn't object so strongly to me -- actually, since GF is twenty-nine and therefore a spinster by local standards, they wouldn't object at all -- if I were in possession of an XY chromosome pair and the usual body parts that go with it.)

That is to say, I'm glad you're safe from the Japanese equivalent of shidduch dating. It looks ridiculously awkward from this angle.

[bedlamsbard]

Yeah, I don't really know much about omiai aside from what I get off Wikipedia -- I mean, I could ask my mom and that is probably the smarter option? It is kind of fascinating that it's still going on, though probably less common than it was a generation ago, which is the first thing that sent me reeling. I mean, my mom told me that she was in an omiai relationship, and got out, but that was thirty years ago. And there was a dowry! I mean, I keep tripping up over the fact that they pulled out the genealogies and the resumes of Ami and the man in question, because part of me is going, "OMG HOW MEDIEVAL."

And let's not even get into my grandfather giving my uncle money to go to New York and check on Ami. I mean, she's twenty-five, she's got a plan, she's fine. I am glad they are worried for her and all, but -- *sighs* Cultural differences.