(no subject)

[bedlamsbard]

I have a headache. I would like it to go away, please.

Maryland came in this morning, in about the five minutes before I left for breakfast, and wanted to have a conversation about our problems. However, because of the breakfast thing, it kind of got cut short, and also left me in tears -- as we have mentioned before, I cry at the drop of a hat -- although I revived about halfway into my Shakespeare class. So, conversation tonight, apparently.

I did not say this then, because I was so startled by being presented with this first thing in the morning, but I want this conversation to not be just the two of us, I want it to be the entire apartment.

Other things:
+ The walls are thin. I think it's common courtesy to at least maintain the illusion of privacy and not say, "Hey, I heard you bitching about me last night when you were on the phone." (This is what Maryland said this morning.) Even if it is not actually possible to have a "private" conversation in a small confined space, that illusion should at least be maintained, especially because it's very difficult to actually find a private space to have such a conversation on campus. I certainly don't feel like going outside where the entire complex can hear me; I can't always phone home when there's no one else in the apartment, as my parents work and there's a time difference, and I'm sure that's true for other people in the apartment. On the other hand, I can see where she's coming from with saying, "Hey, I would rather you not talk about me behind my back where I can hear you," because that never feels good; on the other hand, practical considerations, and I'm really, really outraged about the perceived invasion of privacy, considering I was in my room with the door closed on the phone.

+ Dishes. She thinks I'm targeting her. I'm not, though I can see where it might come out that way if you were listening to my private conversations. This is the main reason why I would rather have this conversation with the entire apartment. It does not take that long to wash a plate or a cup, maybe a couple of minutes at most. I understand that people will throw down a cup of coffee or a bowl of cereal in the five minutes before they leave for class and then put it in the sink before running off. It would be nice if, at the first opportunity, they then washed said dishes rather than letting them pile up. There are four people in the apartment; it can pile up fast. It's also a small enough sink that if one or two people cook and then don't do the dishes immediately afterwards (after they've eaten, obviously!), the sink can get to the point where it's actually impossible to get a glass under the faucet to get water. This has happened on several occasions.

It is physically agitating to me for there to be a pile of dishes in the sink; that's the main reason that I have been doing whatever dishes are there, even when very few of them are mine. (I draw the line at doing the dishes when none of them are mine.) Maryland says she always does her dishes within 24 hours; that is really far too much time. I understand she is busy. We are all busy. I honestly don't think that if you don't have time to do the dishes after you cook, you probably shouldn't be cooking at that moment in time. If you feel like eating at three in the morning, you can certainly do your dishes at three in the morning.

And here's the other thing that's been bothering me about the dishes conversation that I haven't quite put my finger on until now: the sink is a public area, one that all of us use. All of us may have our quirks that are unpleasant for one reason or another, but piling up dishes in a public space is putting that space out of public use. I don't leave all my textbooks scattered across the couch so that no one can sit there; Maryland doesn't put all her b-school work on the table so that no one can use it; Texas doesn't fill up every shelf of the fridge. Leaving dishes in the sink is actively infringing upon the public space in an invasive manner in a way that people wouldn't dream of doing for other parts of the public space.

+ I don't know if I should actually bring this up, and probably not if we do a full-on apartment meeting, but Maryland scares me. Increasingly I'm actively nervous to be around her, because I honestly don't know how she's going to react in any given situation, especially considering the earlier incident with her cooking ingredients, where she didn't tell me she didn't want me to use them, just removed them from the public space. I don't know if she's going to decide to do that again, maybe with something I can't replace as easily as canola oil, like the saucepots or the mixing bowls, and it's something that I do worry about on a daily basis; there's a reason I moved to start getting my own whisk, knives, rolling pin, etc., because I'm not necessarily comfortable using hers because she may suddenly decide to remove it. I don't think I'm targetting her out specifically, but on some level she really does feel like the biggest offender, to me.

+ If we are going to have this conversation, we are not going to have it in someone's bedroom. We are not going to have it where one person is standing and the other one is sitting. We are going to have it sitting down, preferably at the kitchen table, so that we are both on level ground. I don't want this conversation in a private space, and I don't want this conversation to be framed in any way so that it feels like someone has the advantage (standing) and someone has the disadvantage (sitting).

+ I am probably (a) overly emotional, (b) too tightly-wound, (c) too high-strung, (d) an only child, and therefore unused to dealing with other people, (e) really fixated on this one relatively minor thing, (f) mentally unstable, and/or (g) some combination of the above that I haven't thought of yet. If there is something else someone wants to throw at me, at least it will be new and original.

Thoughts would be appreciated.

ETA: Well, that happened. Not with the apartment, just with Maryland. I think we have decided to just continue matters as is. (In conclusion, I shall never be a debater or a politician.)

Comments

[juniperphoenix]

I think you mentioned in an earlier post that there's a dishwasher you haven't been using — might that be an option? It would help reduce clutter in the sink, and it's less work to put a dish in the dishwasher than to wash it by hand, so people might be more likely to do it in a timely manner.

Your ideas about having the conversation in a non-private space and at equal heights are good ones.

[bedlamsbard]

That -- is not a bad idea, and one that I haven't actually thought of for some reason. I don't know why, we never think about the dishwasher because we don't use it! But it is there, and since we actually do have two sets of plates, bowls, etc., that we use interchangeably, we would actually probably be able to do that without running out of dishes. And if we said, okay, we are going to run the dishwasher on these days, every week...hmm. (On the other hand, power consumption, which we have to pay for, but I WILL SHELL OUT MORE MONEY FOR LESS CONFLICT.)

It really struck me today about how much of a psychological disadvantage I was at having the conversation this morning -- she came into my room, she was standing, I was sitting, it was in about the two minutes before I would have left (which she KNOWS, as I do this every Tuesday and Thursday morning!), I wasn't prepared, I'd just woken up, etc. I am aware of these things! I analyze literature, y'all, I notice this stuff!

[juniperphoenix]

:)

I was really dubious about dishwashers until I moved into a house that has one, and omg, now I never want to go back to hand washing.

(Yeah, there is some power consumption involved, but on the other hand, it's a more efficient use of water if you only run it when it's full.)

[highlyeccentric]

If you don't want to pay for the power bill, could you direct people to *store* dirty dishes in the dishwasher instead of the sink? And then remove them and wash them in the evenings or whatever?

[juliekarasik]

Roommate drama sucks. ::hugs::

[bedlamsbard]

Yes it does. *hugs back*

[lunarwolfik]

Dishes are a menace and I feel the same way about them. It's always tough trying to get multiple people to wash up after themselves and a cycle of blame is easy to fall into.

As far as tips go, the dishwasher idea is a good one because it makes it a lot easier for people to rinse off their dishes and then put them up and out of the way. Maybe you could set up a dish-doing chart if people washing up after themselves isn't working. While not exactly equal, it will at least ensure the dishes are done and everyone pitches in. (Plus you can make a pretty color-coded chore wheel. With sparklies.)

There is always the method that my BF's dad used, wherien if someone left their dishes in the sink for over 24 hours, the dishes would wind up in said person's bed all smashed up. It's a bit extreme...but I'm guessing very effective. (although, I'm pretty sure that would just make things worse and lead to a lot of late night "dammits" upon finding broken crockery. Also you'd run out of dishes.)

[bedlamsbard]

She seemed really bewildered by the suggestion that it should be an apartment-wide meeting. (On the other hand, I suck at reading people, so who knows.) Which, you know, I'm not targetting her. She's frustrating me the most, but it is something that affects everyone!

I will throw the dishwasher and the chart idea out there. I think they are both good ideas, especially because it's something that's really frustrating me; apparently not everyone else as much, but we should have this out in the open, because it's starting to make me insane. (And it's starting to make me wonder if I'm crazy, which is actually not helpful.)

24 hours seems extreme for me. For one or two people, sure. For four -- if everyone makes two meals a day, that's eight sets of dishes, more depending on when the twenty-four falls in. That's what's bothering me most about the "I always do my dishes within twenty-four hours" comment she made. It just -- it doesn't seem that reasonable to me. I don't know.

[alyndra]

Growing up in a family of five, dishes would all get done before bedtime, which is kind of 24 hours? Though basically the dishwasher got run every evening, nearly. Now I live by myself and have learned not to leave them for months, but they might sit for a week sometimes still. It's a slow but improving process. So whether it's reasonable depends on where you're coming from.

Reusing dishes where appropriate has been the biggest help - at home we would each have a distinct mug to use for any and all beverages, then rinsed and set on the back of the sink for later, so it would only get a 'real' wash in the evening. By myself, I only ever get dirty one of any given item before washing and using it again, so that way dishes don't pile up.

But I've never lived in a situation with three roommates, so I don't know how to apply stuff you would find useful. I had a roommate once for a year and she used to get ticked off at me about dishes.

On the whole 'illusion of privacy' concept, IDEK. I would probably suck at that too.

[dogstar]

I recommend getting a food marker OR a washable pen. When you put your bowl in the sink (or find an unmarked one there), put the time on it. Anyone whose dishes get left longer than say, 8 hours, owes the apartment pizza and/or beer.