Robin Hood (2010) -- SPOILERS.
Jan. 4th, 2011 11:37 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bedlamsbardDear dwircle/flist, I watched the 2010 Ridley Scott Robin Hood so that you didn't have to. You're welcome.
Let's start with a few gems, just to get them out of the way:
Robin Hood: Lord of the Flies. Yeah. As all the young men of Nottingham have tromped off to the Crusades, the children left in the village have all run off to be feral in the greenwood, and thus go around half-dressed wearing masks, waving spears, setting up deadly traps in the forest, and living in their own little makeshift village, which lacks the concept ofsanity sanitation. They also like to steal things from the village and from our heroes, and at one point attempt to make Lady Marion strip off all her clothes, to which she tells them that she knows medicine and cure all their sicknesses. They also knock out Robin and tie him to a pole before carrying him back into the village. In culmination, they also join to fight against the French landing at Dungeness, and are miraculously not all slaughtered.
Ridley Scott clearly watched a little too much Saving Private Ryan when he was making this movie, and chuckled a lot to himself about reversing the situation so that the French make their landing on England. You know. That time the French invaded England. In 1200 or so. In these, only made out of wood.
Robin Hood's dad writes the Magna Carta. Well, the first draft of the Magna Carta. (Wikipedia tells me that it's actually the Charter of the Forest, but, uh, still.) Robin Hood's dad is also a stonemason, rather than a nobleman of some kind, and wants to support the right of all free men! (Ridley Scott has a hard on for historically inaccurate democracy; he did something similar in Gladiator.) I am pretty sure no one involved in this movie has actually read the Magna Carta. (To be fair, they don't actually call it the Magna Carta, but if you know anything about British history, you're going to go, "WHAT THE FUCK ROBIN HOOD'S DAD WROTE THE MAGNA CARTA?") And to top it off, King John refuses to sign it. Um...
Forget the part about the Angevins actually being French. It's way too complex. Ditto for Normans and Saxons. I mean, Normandy and the Aquitaine, no one will ever understand that, much clearer to make England actually England. (This, in theory, takes place before King John lost the Aquitaine, as it takes place "around the turn of the twelfth century." However, John did not become king until 1199. THE TURN OF THE THIRTEENTH CENTURY HOLLYWOOD YOU FOOLS.) Also, clearly all English nobles spoke English, despite the fact that the majority of them were French. Because the French and the English hate each other! Seriously, forget about Normandy, it's never even mentioned.
Ahem. Let's back up. Richard the Lion Heart (and this is a surprisingly unromantic portrayal of him! I approve, as I don't like Richard) is storming a castle in France, along with his best pal, Sir Robert Loxley of Nottingham, and the usual group of English longbowmen, including Our Hero, Robin Longstride. After some shenanigans in which Robin tells Richard the truth about his feelings towards the Crusades, Robin and his friends, fellow longbowmen Alan Dale and Will Scarlet, and the guy he was fighting with, Little John, are put in the stocks. Meanwhile, Richard is killed, and Robin and his friends flee, trying to get to the coast of France and back to England before the rest of the army arrives, also trying to get back to England.
Meanwhile, an English nobleman, Sir Godfrey (who shared a wetnurse with Prince-soon-to-be-King John) is conspiring with King Philip of France to assassinate King Richard. His assassination attempt would go much better if Richard weren't already dead, but he succeeds in killing all of Sir Robert Loxley's men and fatally injuring Sir Robert. At this point Robin and his pals show up, scaring off and killing some of the French, and Robin scars Godfrey with an arrow. He hears Sir Robert's last words, which tell him to take his sword to his father Sir Walter Loxley in Nottingham, as Sir Robert ran off to the Crusades without his dad's permission. In a moment of brilliance, Robin decides to impersonate Sir Robert in order to (a) get to England, (b) get wealthy, and (c) take King Richard's crown to London. He and his men proceed to do so. While on the ship, Robin discovers an inscription on the sword -- "lambs will become lions."
Meanwhile, there's some yada-yada about all of Nottingham's seed corn having to go to the church, Friar Tuck shows up to replace the old priest (Friar Tuck is a beekeeper here), the Sheriff of Nottingham hits on Sir Robert's wife Lady Marion (sheer awesome, personified) and reminds her that Nottingham and Pennyharrow, Sir Walter's estates, need to pay their taxes. We also see the Lord of the Flies Nottingham children. (Actually, we see them first thing in the movie, along with Marion.) In London, Prince John is busy shagging King Philip's niece, Isabella of Angouleme, while his wife listens outside the door and then Eleanor of Aquitaine storms in. I do love Eleanor of Aquitaine.
Robin shows up in London, hands the crown to Eleanor, manages to freak Godfrey out because Godfrey thought Robert Loxley was dead! Oh noes! King John reminds him that Nottingham owes the Crown taxes, and then Robin and his men hurry to Nottingham so Robin can give Robert's sword back to Sir Walter, then he and his men will split up. After they've divided up all the treasure they've taken from Sir Robert's men, they go to sleep. The Lost Children come to rob them, at the same time as Godfrey's men arrive to try and kill them, but they are fought off. Er, yeah. Some of the treasure is stolen. Upon arriving at Nottingham, Robin heads off to go and see Sir Walter, who claims to know something about Robin's mysterious past! Backstory: Robin has no family and no notion of where he was from, as he was taken from his family at the age of six. No mention of what he was doing between the years of six and thirty-some.
Anyway, Sir Walter will reveal unto Robin his mysterious background and also give him the sword so long as Robin continues to pretend to be his son. Lady Marion is highly dubious on this note. There is also a lovely scene where she tells Robin they must share her bedchamber to continue the ruse, and then whistles up the dogs to follow her. Robin can sleep in front of the hearth, she will take the bed, and she sleeps with a dagger and will castrate him if he touches her.
In London, John (apparently) puts aside his former bride and marries Isabella, who I actually quite like, then gets rid of Richard and Henry's exchequer, William Marshal, in favor of his pal Godfrey. Also his mother slaps him, and John has one of the best lines in whole movie. "Mother, spare me your farmyard memories, you have none, and I don't understand them." (The actor for King John really was brilliant, the characterization was just...mercurial. As the historical figure was, but slightly more understandably so. Also, at one point, I swear to God King John looked exactly like the Prince John lion from the Disney Robin Hood.) The French silently land troops on English soil, someone sends a carrier pigeon to William Marshal (an old friend of Sir Walter's), and the French join up with Sir Godfrey, pretending to be English soldiers as they pillage and burn across the north of England, supposedly in the name of seizing taxes. The English barons understandably are a little annoyed.
William informs Eleanor of this, in the hopes that she will inform King John. (Also, for some reason Eleanor is seen hawking with an owl, in broad daylight, what the fuck, who goes hawking with an owl?) Eleanor instead goes to Isabella, who informs John, who is understandably griefstricken that his greatest friend betrayed him so, and also, oh, shit, the French are invading!
In the meantime, Robin and Marion have a few touching moments, Robin reunites with his men, they and Friar Tuck team up to steal the seed corn bound for York. (Also a cute scene. There are a few really good ones, and there are parts of this movie that are quite beautiful.) Robin gets kidnapped by the Children of the Forest, then leaves. There is a party, which the Children watch sadly from the outskirts. William Marshal shows up to talk with Sir Walter, and Sir Walter reveals to Robin that his dad was actually Thomas Longstride, a friend of theirs, a stonemason who believed that every man should have individual liberty. He also shows Robin the charter that Thomas drew up, which includes the signature of (I want to say two hundred, but I'm not sure) quite a few barons. Because barons often sign crazy charters thrown at them by stonemasons. Robin witnesses his father being executed, and has blanked out the memories until now. On Sir Walter's orders, Robin rides to meet with the rest of the barons, who are confronting King John about the taxes. He presents them with the not!Magna Carta, which John says he will sign at a later date, but can they please get around to fighting off the French invasion now? They agree to meet at the White Horse. (Because Uffington, so close to Dungeness.)
However, Godfrey's men have come to Nottingham! And are burning down the town! Sir Walter is murdered by Godfrey, while Marion is taken aside to be presumably raped and forcibly married by one of the French subordinates, and the villagers are locked into a barn to be smoked and/or burnt to death. A number of the French are getting drunk on Friar Tuck's mead, and then he throws his beehives into the church and locks them in. Robin and his men show up just in time! Also, Marion stabs a man in the neck and then is saved by the Children of the Forest, who help her save the other villagers. Robin tortures one of the French until he tells them where Philip is going to land. (Dungeness.)
Godfrey isgiven a Christian burial given a funeral pyre, then Robin rides off to war, wherein we do get some very gorgeous scenery shots which don't include the actual White Horse at Uffington but which is apparently a later reconstruction. But, you know, pretty, so historical accuracy! Or logic! Who needs those? Meanwhile the French are landing men, and King John gets another great, though historically inaccurate, line. "This is my first time. I shall lead." (Along with, a little later, "This is what Richard would have done!" "Yes, but look what happened to him!")
Cue battle, Marion shows up in armor to avenge Sir Walter, which she should totally do but because this is a Man's Movie, she has to be saved by Robin, and also the Lord of the Flies Sherwood kids show up to fight and apparently not all be slaughtered. WTF. Godfrey is killed, Philip retreats back to France, John actually fights but then gets confused and starts fighting his own men, and is then highly dismayed to find that everyone is not lauding him, but instead Robin Longstride. No clue when everyone figured out he was Robin Longstride and not Robert Loxley.
Later: John is about to sign the not!Magna Carta, then pulls a Divine Right of Kings and burns it, then decides to outlaw Robin Longstride because he's a real bastard like that. Robin, Marion, and Robin's men take off to live in the greenwood (I don't remember if they actually call it Sherwood in the movie) with the Children of the Forest, because it's all the castle they need! I guess Marion loses her five thousand acres, whoops.
And that's how a legend begins! Also, that sound you heard was every medieval historian in the world's head exploding at once.
Very pretty, though. Just ignore the plot, and concentrate on Marion being awesome. Or you could drink every time you see a historical inaccuracy, bonus points for when they actually change history.
Let's start with a few gems, just to get them out of the way:
Robin Hood: Lord of the Flies. Yeah. As all the young men of Nottingham have tromped off to the Crusades, the children left in the village have all run off to be feral in the greenwood, and thus go around half-dressed wearing masks, waving spears, setting up deadly traps in the forest, and living in their own little makeshift village, which lacks the concept of
Ridley Scott clearly watched a little too much Saving Private Ryan when he was making this movie, and chuckled a lot to himself about reversing the situation so that the French make their landing on England. You know. That time the French invaded England. In 1200 or so. In these, only made out of wood.
Robin Hood's dad writes the Magna Carta. Well, the first draft of the Magna Carta. (Wikipedia tells me that it's actually the Charter of the Forest, but, uh, still.) Robin Hood's dad is also a stonemason, rather than a nobleman of some kind, and wants to support the right of all free men! (Ridley Scott has a hard on for historically inaccurate democracy; he did something similar in Gladiator.) I am pretty sure no one involved in this movie has actually read the Magna Carta. (To be fair, they don't actually call it the Magna Carta, but if you know anything about British history, you're going to go, "WHAT THE FUCK ROBIN HOOD'S DAD WROTE THE MAGNA CARTA?") And to top it off, King John refuses to sign it. Um...
Forget the part about the Angevins actually being French. It's way too complex. Ditto for Normans and Saxons. I mean, Normandy and the Aquitaine, no one will ever understand that, much clearer to make England actually England. (This, in theory, takes place before King John lost the Aquitaine, as it takes place "around the turn of the twelfth century." However, John did not become king until 1199. THE TURN OF THE THIRTEENTH CENTURY HOLLYWOOD YOU FOOLS.) Also, clearly all English nobles spoke English, despite the fact that the majority of them were French. Because the French and the English hate each other! Seriously, forget about Normandy, it's never even mentioned.
Ahem. Let's back up. Richard the Lion Heart (and this is a surprisingly unromantic portrayal of him! I approve, as I don't like Richard) is storming a castle in France, along with his best pal, Sir Robert Loxley of Nottingham, and the usual group of English longbowmen, including Our Hero, Robin Longstride. After some shenanigans in which Robin tells Richard the truth about his feelings towards the Crusades, Robin and his friends, fellow longbowmen Alan Dale and Will Scarlet, and the guy he was fighting with, Little John, are put in the stocks. Meanwhile, Richard is killed, and Robin and his friends flee, trying to get to the coast of France and back to England before the rest of the army arrives, also trying to get back to England.
Meanwhile, an English nobleman, Sir Godfrey (who shared a wetnurse with Prince-soon-to-be-King John) is conspiring with King Philip of France to assassinate King Richard. His assassination attempt would go much better if Richard weren't already dead, but he succeeds in killing all of Sir Robert Loxley's men and fatally injuring Sir Robert. At this point Robin and his pals show up, scaring off and killing some of the French, and Robin scars Godfrey with an arrow. He hears Sir Robert's last words, which tell him to take his sword to his father Sir Walter Loxley in Nottingham, as Sir Robert ran off to the Crusades without his dad's permission. In a moment of brilliance, Robin decides to impersonate Sir Robert in order to (a) get to England, (b) get wealthy, and (c) take King Richard's crown to London. He and his men proceed to do so. While on the ship, Robin discovers an inscription on the sword -- "lambs will become lions."
Meanwhile, there's some yada-yada about all of Nottingham's seed corn having to go to the church, Friar Tuck shows up to replace the old priest (Friar Tuck is a beekeeper here), the Sheriff of Nottingham hits on Sir Robert's wife Lady Marion (sheer awesome, personified) and reminds her that Nottingham and Pennyharrow, Sir Walter's estates, need to pay their taxes. We also see the Lord of the Flies Nottingham children. (Actually, we see them first thing in the movie, along with Marion.) In London, Prince John is busy shagging King Philip's niece, Isabella of Angouleme, while his wife listens outside the door and then Eleanor of Aquitaine storms in. I do love Eleanor of Aquitaine.
Robin shows up in London, hands the crown to Eleanor, manages to freak Godfrey out because Godfrey thought Robert Loxley was dead! Oh noes! King John reminds him that Nottingham owes the Crown taxes, and then Robin and his men hurry to Nottingham so Robin can give Robert's sword back to Sir Walter, then he and his men will split up. After they've divided up all the treasure they've taken from Sir Robert's men, they go to sleep. The Lost Children come to rob them, at the same time as Godfrey's men arrive to try and kill them, but they are fought off. Er, yeah. Some of the treasure is stolen. Upon arriving at Nottingham, Robin heads off to go and see Sir Walter, who claims to know something about Robin's mysterious past! Backstory: Robin has no family and no notion of where he was from, as he was taken from his family at the age of six. No mention of what he was doing between the years of six and thirty-some.
Anyway, Sir Walter will reveal unto Robin his mysterious background and also give him the sword so long as Robin continues to pretend to be his son. Lady Marion is highly dubious on this note. There is also a lovely scene where she tells Robin they must share her bedchamber to continue the ruse, and then whistles up the dogs to follow her. Robin can sleep in front of the hearth, she will take the bed, and she sleeps with a dagger and will castrate him if he touches her.
In London, John (apparently) puts aside his former bride and marries Isabella, who I actually quite like, then gets rid of Richard and Henry's exchequer, William Marshal, in favor of his pal Godfrey. Also his mother slaps him, and John has one of the best lines in whole movie. "Mother, spare me your farmyard memories, you have none, and I don't understand them." (The actor for King John really was brilliant, the characterization was just...mercurial. As the historical figure was, but slightly more understandably so. Also, at one point, I swear to God King John looked exactly like the Prince John lion from the Disney Robin Hood.) The French silently land troops on English soil, someone sends a carrier pigeon to William Marshal (an old friend of Sir Walter's), and the French join up with Sir Godfrey, pretending to be English soldiers as they pillage and burn across the north of England, supposedly in the name of seizing taxes. The English barons understandably are a little annoyed.
William informs Eleanor of this, in the hopes that she will inform King John. (Also, for some reason Eleanor is seen hawking with an owl, in broad daylight, what the fuck, who goes hawking with an owl?) Eleanor instead goes to Isabella, who informs John, who is understandably griefstricken that his greatest friend betrayed him so, and also, oh, shit, the French are invading!
In the meantime, Robin and Marion have a few touching moments, Robin reunites with his men, they and Friar Tuck team up to steal the seed corn bound for York. (Also a cute scene. There are a few really good ones, and there are parts of this movie that are quite beautiful.) Robin gets kidnapped by the Children of the Forest, then leaves. There is a party, which the Children watch sadly from the outskirts. William Marshal shows up to talk with Sir Walter, and Sir Walter reveals to Robin that his dad was actually Thomas Longstride, a friend of theirs, a stonemason who believed that every man should have individual liberty. He also shows Robin the charter that Thomas drew up, which includes the signature of (I want to say two hundred, but I'm not sure) quite a few barons. Because barons often sign crazy charters thrown at them by stonemasons. Robin witnesses his father being executed, and has blanked out the memories until now. On Sir Walter's orders, Robin rides to meet with the rest of the barons, who are confronting King John about the taxes. He presents them with the not!Magna Carta, which John says he will sign at a later date, but can they please get around to fighting off the French invasion now? They agree to meet at the White Horse. (Because Uffington, so close to Dungeness.)
However, Godfrey's men have come to Nottingham! And are burning down the town! Sir Walter is murdered by Godfrey, while Marion is taken aside to be presumably raped and forcibly married by one of the French subordinates, and the villagers are locked into a barn to be smoked and/or burnt to death. A number of the French are getting drunk on Friar Tuck's mead, and then he throws his beehives into the church and locks them in. Robin and his men show up just in time! Also, Marion stabs a man in the neck and then is saved by the Children of the Forest, who help her save the other villagers. Robin tortures one of the French until he tells them where Philip is going to land. (Dungeness.)
Godfrey is
Cue battle, Marion shows up in armor to avenge Sir Walter, which she should totally do but because this is a Man's Movie, she has to be saved by Robin, and also the Lord of the Flies Sherwood kids show up to fight and apparently not all be slaughtered. WTF. Godfrey is killed, Philip retreats back to France, John actually fights but then gets confused and starts fighting his own men, and is then highly dismayed to find that everyone is not lauding him, but instead Robin Longstride. No clue when everyone figured out he was Robin Longstride and not Robert Loxley.
Later: John is about to sign the not!Magna Carta, then pulls a Divine Right of Kings and burns it, then decides to outlaw Robin Longstride because he's a real bastard like that. Robin, Marion, and Robin's men take off to live in the greenwood (I don't remember if they actually call it Sherwood in the movie) with the Children of the Forest, because it's all the castle they need! I guess Marion loses her five thousand acres, whoops.
And that's how a legend begins! Also, that sound you heard was every medieval historian in the world's head exploding at once.
Very pretty, though. Just ignore the plot, and concentrate on Marion being awesome. Or you could drink every time you see a historical inaccuracy, bonus points for when they actually change history.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-04 09:19 pm (UTC)Thank you for watching this movie, as I was tempted, and then thought 'wait, do you WANT to headdesk your way through a movie, it NEVER ends well..'
(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-04 10:01 pm (UTC)I was very excited initially! However, I should have been warned by the fact that Ridley Scott's idea of history is very...er, fast and loose. (One of the historical consultants for Gladiator was so disgusted by the changes made to, you know, ACTUAL HISTORY in the movie that she refused to allow her name to be put in the credits.) I will admit that Cate Blanchett's Marion is very awesome, and there are some really good bits, and it is a gorgeous movie. But, still.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-04 09:20 pm (UTC)I thought Cate Blanchett carried this whole film.
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