agh, call for advice
Sep. 20th, 2011 02:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bedlamsbardOkay, so.
At my university you are required to do a minimum of forty hours of public service, usually arranged through a class -- twenty hours as a freshman or sophomore and another twenty hours as a junior or senior. If you're an upperclassman (junior or senior) you can also do it as an internship, although obviously you have to get said internship and it involves more than twenty hours and so on and so forth, and there are some other options for summer things. Usually you take a class that has a public service option, and you sign up for that and somehow in the magic of the ether the Center for Public Service has arranged for a service option that may, if you are lucky, be remotely related to what the class is actually about. I got lucky sophomore year and managed to get a public service option that involved me sitting at my computer collating data for The Nature Conservancy, but usually it's something along the lines of, "Go work with these children at some random school that Tulane has imposed itself upon." Which I nearly did sophomore year for a different class but then backed out on because it was freaking me out, and which it turns out my public service option for my Greek Art & Arch class is this year. It is tutoring sixth graders in reading, and it is the kind of thing that makes me cry and throw up and pass out. Like, I'm sure I could do it, but I'm also pretty sure that it's going to be Thing Number Five Hundred And Thirty Eight that's going to give me a nervous breakdown this semester, a list which also includes things like "Greek" and "getting all my seminar reading done" and "graduate school applications: classics" and "graduate school applications: medieval history" and "graduate school applications: ancient history" and "honors thesis" and "not flunking out senior year" and "roommates" and "immersion blender." (It's a variable list, is all I'm saying.) And I am not kidding about the nausea thing; usually if I'm really freaked out about something I just cry a lot and feel faint, but today I woke up in a state of dread and sort of wandered through my first two classes and then the walk to and from the school seriously worrying that I was going to have to stop somewhere and throw up while the squirrels mocked me. Like, I am sure it is a great program! And that it's the sort of thing that's easy for most college students, you know, take two hours out of their week, work with some kids, etc., because most people have some kind of experience with kids somehow and they probably like it more than sitting in a classroom learning about the molecular properties of, I don't know, ebola or something. Except this is the kind of thing which absolutely terrifies me and while I'm sure it would be a great learning experience, etc., I'm not sure I could do it without ending up in tears. And I already end up in tears three or four times a week, I cannot pencil in two more occasions. (One before and one after. Probably a third where I cry on the phone to my mother.)
Also, I really don't think I can spare the time this semester, because I think I'm already going to have to drop a class since I am already constantly behind and I haven't even started working on my thesis yet, not to mention I'm going to have to put together grad applications for three different programs, and two hours a week basically IS another class. Only I still have to do my public service, which means I'm going to have to fit it in next semester, somehow (I have come to the conclusion that next semester I should really just take the minimum number of credits, which should come down to Greek, Latin, and my thesis), and hope to god that maybe if I cry at my academic advisor or CPS they can find something that does not involve kids, but good luck with that. (Gods, I should have stuck with the public service option I was originally signed up for this semester: I am ninety percent certain that it didn't involve kids. Also, they don't tell you what it will be in advance. This is my least favorite part about being at Tulane.)
What do y'all think? Am I just freaking out unreasonably and I should suck it up and git-r-done, or am I actually stretching myself too thin? (Since I am pretty sure I was giving off vibes of "two seconds from a mental break" even before this started.)
I am a little worked up and I feel like concentration is out of the question for the time being, which sucks as I have to read a hundred pages or so on medieval Spain (like I said: I am already constantly behind, but at least I accidentally did the entirety of my Latin translation on Sunday night and I don't have Greek homework tonight), so I think I shall go to the store and...buy farro and walnuts. Or something. Look for clotted cream. Ponder if I really need balsamic vinegar and why they don't sell it in smaller bottles.
At my university you are required to do a minimum of forty hours of public service, usually arranged through a class -- twenty hours as a freshman or sophomore and another twenty hours as a junior or senior. If you're an upperclassman (junior or senior) you can also do it as an internship, although obviously you have to get said internship and it involves more than twenty hours and so on and so forth, and there are some other options for summer things. Usually you take a class that has a public service option, and you sign up for that and somehow in the magic of the ether the Center for Public Service has arranged for a service option that may, if you are lucky, be remotely related to what the class is actually about. I got lucky sophomore year and managed to get a public service option that involved me sitting at my computer collating data for The Nature Conservancy, but usually it's something along the lines of, "Go work with these children at some random school that Tulane has imposed itself upon." Which I nearly did sophomore year for a different class but then backed out on because it was freaking me out, and which it turns out my public service option for my Greek Art & Arch class is this year. It is tutoring sixth graders in reading, and it is the kind of thing that makes me cry and throw up and pass out. Like, I'm sure I could do it, but I'm also pretty sure that it's going to be Thing Number Five Hundred And Thirty Eight that's going to give me a nervous breakdown this semester, a list which also includes things like "Greek" and "getting all my seminar reading done" and "graduate school applications: classics" and "graduate school applications: medieval history" and "graduate school applications: ancient history" and "honors thesis" and "not flunking out senior year" and "roommates" and "immersion blender." (It's a variable list, is all I'm saying.) And I am not kidding about the nausea thing; usually if I'm really freaked out about something I just cry a lot and feel faint, but today I woke up in a state of dread and sort of wandered through my first two classes and then the walk to and from the school seriously worrying that I was going to have to stop somewhere and throw up while the squirrels mocked me. Like, I am sure it is a great program! And that it's the sort of thing that's easy for most college students, you know, take two hours out of their week, work with some kids, etc., because most people have some kind of experience with kids somehow and they probably like it more than sitting in a classroom learning about the molecular properties of, I don't know, ebola or something. Except this is the kind of thing which absolutely terrifies me and while I'm sure it would be a great learning experience, etc., I'm not sure I could do it without ending up in tears. And I already end up in tears three or four times a week, I cannot pencil in two more occasions. (One before and one after. Probably a third where I cry on the phone to my mother.)
Also, I really don't think I can spare the time this semester, because I think I'm already going to have to drop a class since I am already constantly behind and I haven't even started working on my thesis yet, not to mention I'm going to have to put together grad applications for three different programs, and two hours a week basically IS another class. Only I still have to do my public service, which means I'm going to have to fit it in next semester, somehow (I have come to the conclusion that next semester I should really just take the minimum number of credits, which should come down to Greek, Latin, and my thesis), and hope to god that maybe if I cry at my academic advisor or CPS they can find something that does not involve kids, but good luck with that. (Gods, I should have stuck with the public service option I was originally signed up for this semester: I am ninety percent certain that it didn't involve kids. Also, they don't tell you what it will be in advance. This is my least favorite part about being at Tulane.)
What do y'all think? Am I just freaking out unreasonably and I should suck it up and git-r-done, or am I actually stretching myself too thin? (Since I am pretty sure I was giving off vibes of "two seconds from a mental break" even before this started.)
I am a little worked up and I feel like concentration is out of the question for the time being, which sucks as I have to read a hundred pages or so on medieval Spain (like I said: I am already constantly behind, but at least I accidentally did the entirety of my Latin translation on Sunday night and I don't have Greek homework tonight), so I think I shall go to the store and...buy farro and walnuts. Or something. Look for clotted cream. Ponder if I really need balsamic vinegar and why they don't sell it in smaller bottles.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-09-20 08:17 pm (UTC)Will they tell you if you ask? I think it'd be worth contacting whoever coordinates the service opportunities to ask about what they'll be offering next semester. The offerings may not be set in stone yet, but at least it could give you an idea of whether next semester's options will be better for you.
Also, if your campus has a mental health/counseling center or a disability services office, they might be able to offer advice regarding accommodations for anxiety issues.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-09-21 04:02 am (UTC)We do have a mental health clinic at the student health center (...and also looking at their lists is freaking me out, which is probably a bad sign). I just -- I don't know. I kind of feel like I'm panicking unreasonably or making a big deal out of something that really isn't, but -- it's been going on for a while now. And enough people on DW/LJ have suggested it that it might not be a bad idea. *bites lip*
(no subject)
Date: 2011-09-21 01:28 pm (UTC)I don't want to push too hard, but I'll add that you don't have to be experiencing a major crisis to make use of a campus counseling center. Universities provide such services in part because they know that being a student can be extraordinarily stressful in and of itself, regardless of the presence or absence of other mental health issues.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-09-20 09:06 pm (UTC)I am so grateful my university didn't require that shit, because no matter what the semester was I would have had a screaming breakdown at having to do that much interacting with the general public.
Juniperphoenix has a good idea, try disability services.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-09-21 04:13 am (UTC)I hesitate at going to disability services or the student health center because it doesn't seem like it's that big a deal and I've over-reacting, but -- I'm not sure my mental/emotional health is where it should be this semester.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-09-21 02:08 pm (UTC)