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bedlamsbardI'm graduating in a month. May 19. The day after that, May 20, I'm getting up early and I'm leaving New Orleans and going back to Washington with a shiny new B.A. And -- then I guess this October, or maybe this September, I'm getting on another plane and going to England to come back in a year with (gods willing) a shiny new M.A.
And thinking about it scares me out of my goddamn mind because it seems like it's all happening so fast. Sure -- it's my decision. I waited this long to apply, I've been saying all year that I want to do my master's abroad, it's my fault that I applied with less than a month to go on my undergrad, and if I had a little more time or I'd moved a little faster I'd have more options. I could still give myself options if I wanted: post-baccs are still taking applications, some of the other UK universities I've been thinking about are still taking applications; I hate to badger my profs for recs this late in the term, when they have honors theses and finals and things to worry about, but I have options. Except no wonder what happens, I'm still leaving Tulane. I'm still leaving New Orleans. And I feel like I'm not ready to do that, but I can't figure if it's because I hate change or because I'm really, truly not done with Tulane and New Orleans yet. I'm telling myself if I still truly feel this way later this year, this fall I can apply for a history PhD at Tulane for the 2013 term. (I mean, if the world doesn't end and all this December, you know.) I know it's frowned upon in academia to do your undergrad and grad at the same school, but telling myself that I have that option -- of coming back to Tulane, to New Orleans, to this place that I've loved and hated and that's been my home -- makes me feel better.
I can't believe I'm graduating in a month. I don't know what freaks me out more right now: that I'm graduating or that I'm moving countries. (Just a year. It's only a year, it's not that big a difference, I have friends in England.) (Except I keep looking around going, "I can't take these things with me, I can bring them home but I can't take them to Leicester with me, maybe it would be easier just to put in an app to UC-Davis or UNC and just go there, I could have my things.")
I freak out easily. I don't like change, and I'm a homebody at heart. I like to make my place and stay there. I'm just trying to remind myself that just because I'm leaving now doesn't mean I can't come back: just because I got accepted to one university doesn't mean I have to go there (though it helps if I apply elsewhere): I'm smart, I'm talented, I know how to think and I know how to write, and I have options. And I'm allowed to be scared when my life is changing.
This is a good thing. Really.
And thinking about it scares me out of my goddamn mind because it seems like it's all happening so fast. Sure -- it's my decision. I waited this long to apply, I've been saying all year that I want to do my master's abroad, it's my fault that I applied with less than a month to go on my undergrad, and if I had a little more time or I'd moved a little faster I'd have more options. I could still give myself options if I wanted: post-baccs are still taking applications, some of the other UK universities I've been thinking about are still taking applications; I hate to badger my profs for recs this late in the term, when they have honors theses and finals and things to worry about, but I have options. Except no wonder what happens, I'm still leaving Tulane. I'm still leaving New Orleans. And I feel like I'm not ready to do that, but I can't figure if it's because I hate change or because I'm really, truly not done with Tulane and New Orleans yet. I'm telling myself if I still truly feel this way later this year, this fall I can apply for a history PhD at Tulane for the 2013 term. (I mean, if the world doesn't end and all this December, you know.) I know it's frowned upon in academia to do your undergrad and grad at the same school, but telling myself that I have that option -- of coming back to Tulane, to New Orleans, to this place that I've loved and hated and that's been my home -- makes me feel better.
I can't believe I'm graduating in a month. I don't know what freaks me out more right now: that I'm graduating or that I'm moving countries. (Just a year. It's only a year, it's not that big a difference, I have friends in England.) (Except I keep looking around going, "I can't take these things with me, I can bring them home but I can't take them to Leicester with me, maybe it would be easier just to put in an app to UC-Davis or UNC and just go there, I could have my things.")
I freak out easily. I don't like change, and I'm a homebody at heart. I like to make my place and stay there. I'm just trying to remind myself that just because I'm leaving now doesn't mean I can't come back: just because I got accepted to one university doesn't mean I have to go there (though it helps if I apply elsewhere): I'm smart, I'm talented, I know how to think and I know how to write, and I have options. And I'm allowed to be scared when my life is changing.
This is a good thing. Really.