options

[bedlamsbard]

I'm graduating in a month. May 19. The day after that, May 20, I'm getting up early and I'm leaving New Orleans and going back to Washington with a shiny new B.A. And -- then I guess this October, or maybe this September, I'm getting on another plane and going to England to come back in a year with (gods willing) a shiny new M.A.

And thinking about it scares me out of my goddamn mind because it seems like it's all happening so fast. Sure -- it's my decision. I waited this long to apply, I've been saying all year that I want to do my master's abroad, it's my fault that I applied with less than a month to go on my undergrad, and if I had a little more time or I'd moved a little faster I'd have more options. I could still give myself options if I wanted: post-baccs are still taking applications, some of the other UK universities I've been thinking about are still taking applications; I hate to badger my profs for recs this late in the term, when they have honors theses and finals and things to worry about, but I have options. Except no wonder what happens, I'm still leaving Tulane. I'm still leaving New Orleans. And I feel like I'm not ready to do that, but I can't figure if it's because I hate change or because I'm really, truly not done with Tulane and New Orleans yet. I'm telling myself if I still truly feel this way later this year, this fall I can apply for a history PhD at Tulane for the 2013 term. (I mean, if the world doesn't end and all this December, you know.) I know it's frowned upon in academia to do your undergrad and grad at the same school, but telling myself that I have that option -- of coming back to Tulane, to New Orleans, to this place that I've loved and hated and that's been my home -- makes me feel better.

I can't believe I'm graduating in a month. I don't know what freaks me out more right now: that I'm graduating or that I'm moving countries. (Just a year. It's only a year, it's not that big a difference, I have friends in England.) (Except I keep looking around going, "I can't take these things with me, I can bring them home but I can't take them to Leicester with me, maybe it would be easier just to put in an app to UC-Davis or UNC and just go there, I could have my things.")

I freak out easily. I don't like change, and I'm a homebody at heart. I like to make my place and stay there. I'm just trying to remind myself that just because I'm leaving now doesn't mean I can't come back: just because I got accepted to one university doesn't mean I have to go there (though it helps if I apply elsewhere): I'm smart, I'm talented, I know how to think and I know how to write, and I have options. And I'm allowed to be scared when my life is changing.

This is a good thing. Really.

Comments

[sara]

If it's any consolation, I have a volunteer who graduated last quarter and I spent twenty minutes in the kitchen with her this morning while she did exactly what you're doing now -- with a side order of OMG, Sara, I had to fill out a job application at the grocery store this week because my boyfriend and I have to make rent, what does it say about me as a person if I go to work at the grocery store? To which the answer is, of course, it says that she's sensible enough to be trying to make her own rent by whatever means she can in a crap economy.

I think this is all very normal, and you should only worry if you're not worrying.