(no subject)
Apr. 11th, 2013 12:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bedlamsbardSo I realized yesterday that I have a lot of conversations with people where I end up saying some variant of "I'm a terrible person/student/etc." And I say it lightly and I mean it jokingly, but...I still say it. And I say it a lot. "I'm a terrible person, I haven't left the flat in two days." "I'm a terrible student, I've spent my holiday not reading books for school." "I'm a terrible person, I baked a cake and I'll probably eat the entire thing myself because I have no self control." Etc. And I only just realized that maybe I should stop saying that, because if I say it that often, maybe at some level I believe it. I'm not a terrible person because I buy a lot of books; I'm just a person who really likes books and who loves to read. I'm not a terrible student because I don't have my research done and my papers written more than twenty-four hours before the deadline; I'm about on par with 97% of the students I know. I'm not a terrible person because I'm a good baker and I'm willing to exercise that skill just for me; it means I'm a good baker, I had a punnet of strawberries to use up, and I wanted cake. I'm not terrible at making pancakes; I just don't do it often and when I do make pancakes, it takes me a few to get it right. I shouldn't make judgment calls on a person just because that person is me; I wouldn't do it to someone else and I shouldn't do it to myself.
*
On a related note I'm having a "but I don't have any friends!" freakout. This is not strictly true: I have friends in England, and I have friends in Leicester, but I'm not really on "call 'em up and ask them if they want to go somewhere with you" terms with any of them, and most people I know in Leicester are still gone for the Easter holiday right now anyway. And of course I have friends back in the States, but that is less than helpful when they are on one continent and I am on another.
*
I still haven't made a doctor's appointment or an appointment for a haircut. Both of these are things that I probably really need to do. (See again: I have no friends. Both of these are theoretically things that I would ask someone to come with me to, but (1) there's no one I can ask and (2) I'd be too self-conscious to ask anyway. And yes, I realize that these two things are vastly different on a grand scale, but for some reason they're both linked together in my head. I suspect that some of my self-reliance issues come from being a pretty sheltered only child with a stay-at-home mom and a father who decided to be absent half the year for half my life, from a small town, who lived out in the country rather than in town, and was never really involved in any group activities until high school.)
*
...wow, that is a giant list of ways in which I am fucked up. In less horrifying news, today I did my hair in a 4-strand side braid and feel completely badass, because a 4-strand braid, yo. The hardest part for me is actually managing to get the strands even, which I'm not great at even with a regular 3-strand braid. The braid itself wasn't too hard once I got the hang of it; I originally started one straight down the back, but had to undo it because the strands were uneven, then did the second and third (final) ones as side braids because it's a bit easier on my hands and arms the first few times through. Plus if it's down the side I can keep looking at it and grinning, which I am.
I used this guide -- I realize that's not actually for hair, but the principle's the same, and that's helpful because the strands are different colors. It's wider than a 3-strand braid is, which makes it look a little odd as a side braid, but that could just be my tastes.
I do normally braid my hair every day -- I braid it to sleep in, because otherwise my hair tries to strangle me in the night and no one wants that. It's actually more comfortable to sleep in a French braid than a Dutch braid because a Dutch braid makes a lump at the back of the head, but I've been doing Dutch braids for the past six months or so because I don't want to get out of the habit and my mattress is so bad it doesn't make much of a difference. Right now my hair is so long (there's a reason I need a haircut) that I can't really wear it down or in a ponytail, and I'm not great at making buns (I've never been able to pull off a topknot because my hair is too heavy piled on top of my head like that, and this was when it was shorter), so it gets braided almost every day, either into a plain Dutch or French braid, a pair of plaits, or sometimes in a crown braid. I used to be able to pin it up, but I haven't had much luck with that lately; I don't know if it's because I have more hair than I used to or because of the texture of my hair. (I pinned up my hair a lot when I was in New Orleans; I suspect the humidity there helped, and the pins don't stay in as well in Ellensburg or Leicester. I've also had to switch shampoo and conditioner brands, so that might have some affect on it too.)
I do like doing my hair, and it's actually a pretty good gauge of my emotional state -- if I'm willing to spend a lot of time doing my hair first thing in the morning, usually before I've had breakfast and my first cup of tea, then (1) I have time to do my hair and (2) I'm in an emotional state where I'm okay with putting aside what could be more than an hour screwing around with my hair. Today I started the braid, then pulled it out and went to get food and tea, ate, and then finished the braid; normally I'd do my hair and then go into the kitchen. (I'm too self-conscious about how my hair looks first thing after I wake up to stagger into the kitchen and make tea without doing it first. Yes, even with sleeping with it in a braid. I worry my roommates will judge me.)
*
Apparently I can devote as many words to talking about my hair as I can to talking about my issues. Well, at least I'm well-rounded.
*
On a related note I'm having a "but I don't have any friends!" freakout. This is not strictly true: I have friends in England, and I have friends in Leicester, but I'm not really on "call 'em up and ask them if they want to go somewhere with you" terms with any of them, and most people I know in Leicester are still gone for the Easter holiday right now anyway. And of course I have friends back in the States, but that is less than helpful when they are on one continent and I am on another.
*
I still haven't made a doctor's appointment or an appointment for a haircut. Both of these are things that I probably really need to do. (See again: I have no friends. Both of these are theoretically things that I would ask someone to come with me to, but (1) there's no one I can ask and (2) I'd be too self-conscious to ask anyway. And yes, I realize that these two things are vastly different on a grand scale, but for some reason they're both linked together in my head. I suspect that some of my self-reliance issues come from being a pretty sheltered only child with a stay-at-home mom and a father who decided to be absent half the year for half my life, from a small town, who lived out in the country rather than in town, and was never really involved in any group activities until high school.)
*
...wow, that is a giant list of ways in which I am fucked up. In less horrifying news, today I did my hair in a 4-strand side braid and feel completely badass, because a 4-strand braid, yo. The hardest part for me is actually managing to get the strands even, which I'm not great at even with a regular 3-strand braid. The braid itself wasn't too hard once I got the hang of it; I originally started one straight down the back, but had to undo it because the strands were uneven, then did the second and third (final) ones as side braids because it's a bit easier on my hands and arms the first few times through. Plus if it's down the side I can keep looking at it and grinning, which I am.
I used this guide -- I realize that's not actually for hair, but the principle's the same, and that's helpful because the strands are different colors. It's wider than a 3-strand braid is, which makes it look a little odd as a side braid, but that could just be my tastes.
I do normally braid my hair every day -- I braid it to sleep in, because otherwise my hair tries to strangle me in the night and no one wants that. It's actually more comfortable to sleep in a French braid than a Dutch braid because a Dutch braid makes a lump at the back of the head, but I've been doing Dutch braids for the past six months or so because I don't want to get out of the habit and my mattress is so bad it doesn't make much of a difference. Right now my hair is so long (there's a reason I need a haircut) that I can't really wear it down or in a ponytail, and I'm not great at making buns (I've never been able to pull off a topknot because my hair is too heavy piled on top of my head like that, and this was when it was shorter), so it gets braided almost every day, either into a plain Dutch or French braid, a pair of plaits, or sometimes in a crown braid. I used to be able to pin it up, but I haven't had much luck with that lately; I don't know if it's because I have more hair than I used to or because of the texture of my hair. (I pinned up my hair a lot when I was in New Orleans; I suspect the humidity there helped, and the pins don't stay in as well in Ellensburg or Leicester. I've also had to switch shampoo and conditioner brands, so that might have some affect on it too.)
I do like doing my hair, and it's actually a pretty good gauge of my emotional state -- if I'm willing to spend a lot of time doing my hair first thing in the morning, usually before I've had breakfast and my first cup of tea, then (1) I have time to do my hair and (2) I'm in an emotional state where I'm okay with putting aside what could be more than an hour screwing around with my hair. Today I started the braid, then pulled it out and went to get food and tea, ate, and then finished the braid; normally I'd do my hair and then go into the kitchen. (I'm too self-conscious about how my hair looks first thing after I wake up to stagger into the kitchen and make tea without doing it first. Yes, even with sleeping with it in a braid. I worry my roommates will judge me.)
*
Apparently I can devote as many words to talking about my hair as I can to talking about my issues. Well, at least I'm well-rounded.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-04-14 02:16 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-04-14 02:49 pm (UTC)