(no subject)
May. 13th, 2013 12:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bedlamsbardI think I might have made myself stress sick. I mean, I guess I could be actually sick too -- right now I'm sitting here wondering if I'm going to throw up if I eat anything, because I have no appetite but I need to eat something or at least drink juice or something -- but on top of everything...
I don't know why I'm so obsessed with the idea that I did all this to myself. Anxiety, my fault. Possible depression, my fault. Wrists, my fault. Cold or whatever the fuck this is, my fault. Sleeping schedule shenanigans, my fault. Procrastination, my fault. (Okay, that one's probably legit.) If I flunk out of postgrad, it's my fault and I'm going to deserve it for being...a horrible...academic? Not being properly devoted to Roman Studies? Just plain not having my shit together?
And the thing is, I realize this is crazy. While some things certainly come about because of choices I make, I'm pretty sure my health ought not to be top on that list. Except that doesn't really help when I'm running in a fucked up circle of awful where I'm too busy panicking to actually do anything about it.
(And I'm still peeling the skin off the inside of my ears. Like, it's been three or four months now, can I just please stop? It's disgusting and it hurts and I hate washing blood out from under my fingernails, I have to do it enough with my lips (because I also peel skin off my lips, which is why I got through a massive amount of lip balm). At least I finally got around to buying more bandages -- plasters, whatever -- to cover up the spot on my arm where I just cannot stop scratching. I started to reach for the same spot on the opposite arm yesterday, but fortunately -- gods -- putting my right hand in that position hurt my wrist, and that is like the one point where I have been so pathetically grateful for the disaster that is my wrists, because seriously, I don't need more weird scars and I'm already going to end up with a couple.)
Oh, thank god, I think the cold medicine kicked in enough that I have an appetite now. Maybe I can make this powerpoint before I have to go to class and cry at my professor about how I'm a failure etc.
I don't know why I'm so obsessed with the idea that I did all this to myself. Anxiety, my fault. Possible depression, my fault. Wrists, my fault. Cold or whatever the fuck this is, my fault. Sleeping schedule shenanigans, my fault. Procrastination, my fault. (Okay, that one's probably legit.) If I flunk out of postgrad, it's my fault and I'm going to deserve it for being...a horrible...academic? Not being properly devoted to Roman Studies? Just plain not having my shit together?
And the thing is, I realize this is crazy. While some things certainly come about because of choices I make, I'm pretty sure my health ought not to be top on that list. Except that doesn't really help when I'm running in a fucked up circle of awful where I'm too busy panicking to actually do anything about it.
(And I'm still peeling the skin off the inside of my ears. Like, it's been three or four months now, can I just please stop? It's disgusting and it hurts and I hate washing blood out from under my fingernails, I have to do it enough with my lips (because I also peel skin off my lips, which is why I got through a massive amount of lip balm). At least I finally got around to buying more bandages -- plasters, whatever -- to cover up the spot on my arm where I just cannot stop scratching. I started to reach for the same spot on the opposite arm yesterday, but fortunately -- gods -- putting my right hand in that position hurt my wrist, and that is like the one point where I have been so pathetically grateful for the disaster that is my wrists, because seriously, I don't need more weird scars and I'm already going to end up with a couple.)
Oh, thank god, I think the cold medicine kicked in enough that I have an appetite now. Maybe I can make this powerpoint before I have to go to class and cry at my professor about how I'm a failure etc.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-05-14 12:41 am (UTC)