Welcome to Narnia

[bedlamsbard]

I went mildly crazy last night in the midst of last-minute narniaexchange writing and, uh, did not name my story "Welcome to Narnia", but that resulted in this:

"Welcome to Narnia, where the days are cold, the nights are cold, the winter is long, and a mysterious woman turns our residents to stone."

"Good evening, Narnia. We have reports of some unusual visitors in Lantern Waste. Broadleaf the Squirrel, you know, from the split oak tree, thinks that they might be humans. But that's just silly! There are no humans in Narnia. Meanwhile, arrests by the Secret Police continue..."

"Of course, we're forbidden to speak of, or even think about, mysterious disappearances in Narnia -- what mysterious disappearances?"

"Listeners, we're getting reports that Aslan is on the move, repeat, Aslan is on the move. Oh -- the Secret Police are clawing at the door."

"I've been informed that in fact there is no such person as Aslan, and if there were, he certainly would not be on the move. According to Jadis, Queen of Narnia, Empress of the Lone Islands, and so on, this is a false alarm. In fact, there is another snow storm on the way."

"And now: the weather. [muffled faun lullaby playing in the distance]"

"Tumnus the Faun. Perfect Tumnus, and his perfect hair."

I am resisting the urge to retell all of LWW in Welcome to Night Vale style. It doesn't even need any adjusting.

Comments

[bedlamsbard]

Thanks! I am quite fond of it myself.