bedlamsbard | (no subject)

in most recent "maybe a stress response, maybe something actually wrong" health developments, I've had aching eyes the past week or so -- no redness or anything, so I'm not sure if it's too much screen time (so much doomscrolling, and these days I basically spend all my waking hours on my computer which I'm pretty sure Is Not Good) or if it's that it's very dry in my house due to Winter (I'm certainly dealing with a lot of split skin across my knuckles, and because I have very little self-control clawed open one leg and one arm), if I really need to update my prescription (I do, this one is from 2017 and I'm stupid near-sighted) or if I'm just very stressed and this is the latest development. I dialed down the brightness on all my devices and am limiting my screen time as much as possible, and started taking eye drops -- though the ones I got were for redness and my advisor suggested a different brand meant for moisturizing instead, so I'll switch to those tomorrow and see if it helps. At least not being on the computer all the time (I'm down to about five hours in the evenings, which I guess is still a lot, but is also SIGNIFICANTLY less than "wake up, turn on computer, stay on computer until go to bed") means that I'm not seeing every awful thing that is happening as it happens, which is nice for my stress level.

I'm also sort of headachey and not sure if that's related or if it's dehydration (I am also trying to drink more water) or stress or if I'm just dying or what. So that's fun.

My birthday was last week and it was pretty awful, as birthdays go, and I traditionally have a pretty bad time at my birthdays. I'm exhausted all the time and I miss my mother and my father is still in Thailand and I should probably call a local optometrist but I'm still hoping I can go back to Washington in summer. I feel like eye issues isn't something I can actually call the Emory health center about. (I mean, like, my vision is fine (aside from its usual level of badness), my eyes just ache.) I'm a little panicky because not being able to look at a screen for a extended period of time is not like...doable for me. (I mean, I can; my eyes don't hurt just when I look at a screen, they ache all the time. But this is about the only thing I can control aside from going outside more.)

also like possibly between attempted coup and inauguration fears and birthday stress and school stress and pandemic stress and weather and I haven't seen my mom in a year...I don't know. I don't know. I'm just really upset all the time and this isn't helping. I am reading more physical books though so that's nice, except for the part where I have to buy them all.