a long, long time ago, I can still remember how that music used to make me smile

Dear Subconscious,

No, really, I know I have issues about not doing band in college. I have issues. I have major issues. They make no sense. I am well aware of this. I don't need weird dreams to tell me so, especially when they leave me really unsettled in the morning.

Thanks a lot,
Bed

No, seriously, I have issues about this. I know that they are weird, I know that they make no sense whatsoever, but that still doesn't mean I don't feel horribly guilty and horribly wrong for not continuing something that I loved in middle school and high school, something I've been doing for the better part of ten years, when I came to college, because I did one year of college band and I wish I hadn't, because it depressed the living hell out of me. It would probably be different if I had done marching band. I did not and am not doing marching band at Tulane; I feel no particular desire to. In fact, the sound of the marching band practicing (which they do, you know, right outside my dorm) fills me with rage, and no, I am not kidding.

Except -- I loved marching band in high school, I loved it because for some reason, for a few years there, it meant summer to me, because we only marched for three weeks out of the year, at the very end of summer, and I loved it, I loved the ritual of it, I loved being a part of something. But we did street marching, not formation marching, and that seems...different, somehow? Anyway, I had the same band director all through middle school and high school; at one point, I had him for three to six hours a day, because I was doing jazz band, symphonic band, wind ensemble, and pep band (and we are wondering why I burned out on music; this was also the year I did orchestra and private lessons on three different instruments, flute, piano, and saxophone). I'm starting to think now that everything I did in band was due more to my band director and the people around me (who, yes, tended to be the same people from middle school to high school) than it was to the music. And you know what? I miss music. I do. I'd love to take it back up again, but just not here, because Tulane's music program has soured me, and I want to remember band as a happy memory, not an angry one, but the thing is that I'll never get rid of that one year of Tulane concert band, and sometimes it overrides the seven years of MMS and EHS band memories.

But I don't need weird, creepy dreams to tell me that.

quotes from my suite -- y'all know how college is

My roommate: "I love it when British people speak like British people!"

My suitemate: "I think you'd like Chinatown. It has incest rape in it!"

My roommate: "Churchill's my baby!"

My suitemate: "Aw, it's so cute when he's tearing them limb from limb."

Me: "My co-writer says if I go to London she'll buy me a beer! And coffee! And cream tea!"
My suitemate: "...that sounds like a really weird combo."
Me: "Well, not all at once."

My roommate: "She has really huge breasts! They're freaking massive! ...but she's really gorgeous, there are pictures of her in Esquire that are just...awesome."

My roommate: "ScarJo! That's my favorite word. Old ScarJo! I'm sure she'd totally dig it, too."

My suitemate: "Naked cowboy jumps out of mayor race!"
Me: "What? Why is he naked and what is he doing with this mare?" *gestures*
My suitemate: "No, mayor. ...he's dropping out because of the bureaucracy involved."
My roommate: "They probably make him wear pants."

My suitemate: "Whoa, Google can be a real dick sometimes."

My suitemate: *whispers* "Harry Potter."
Me/roommate: *jump*
My roommate: "Whoa, you are a weird person."

My (NYC-native) roommate: "Who in New York City has a lawn, anyway?"