(no subject)

[bedlamsbard]

Basically, I suck as a daughter and a granddaughter and possibly as a human being, incompetent and indecisive and emotional, and apparently unworthy of, I don't know, everything. And unqualified, because, oh wait! I can't even get a receptionist job because I have no experience! At anything! So any of my feelings to the contrary, I literally have no choice but to go to graduate school! Where at least, thank gods, I will be an ocean and a continent away from my parents and therefore not privy to hear about my failings day in and day out! Do I want to go? I don't know! I think so! On the other hand because I feel so pressured, my automatic reaction is to run in the opposite direction! Do I have a choice? No I do not! Am I allowed to take a couple days to recover from being really emotional about something failing to work? APPARENTLY NOT! Am I allowed to get upset? APPARENTLY NOT. Do my feelings matter? APPARENTLY NOT. Am I allowed to have feelings? APPARENTLY NOT. Am I allowed to not know things and be shocked by them? I am not! Where do I really want to be right now and next year? New Orleans! Where am I not going to be? New Orleans! What am I doing right now? Crying! And, once again, being unable to make the goddamn deposit.

Comments

[alexseanchai]

Of course you're allowed some time to just be upset, and of course your feelings matter. Tissue? Hug?

[aella_irene]

E-mail me. Or G&J. It is the weekend, but first thing on Monday, one of us will be calling them up, getting the information for you. Just tell us what you need.

[rthstewart]

I am so sorry. There are so many layers of things going on here, my friend. Let's begin at the beginning which is that a person's self worth is NOT defined by her academic success alone, no matter what her parents or grandparents or anyone else thinks.

And you have bought into this lie completely.

I really don't know the situation at all, or you, really, except via this long distance, but, is it possible to stand before your mom and dad, and say, "I need help." Can you do that? Because you really do need help.

I do expect my children to make their own plans and decisions, but I also understand that something like a move to another country, even for a college graduate, is a BIG THING and costs A LOT OF MONEY and it's not reasonable for them to say, "you figure it out." Really, they can't have it both ways. Either they can help you figure all this out, or they can let you defer so you have the time to figure it out.

I continue to maintain that deferring for a year would be a good thing.

On the other hand, it may be that our home environments are so poisonous that the only thing to do is flee. Regardless, if they really think your only option is to study next year in England (and it is not, really), then you are in a position to insist on their help.